bridge between you and a void...

brother mike
i am not wanting the numbers to change tonight
i am not willing to go much further down the line without you

she said tearfully that she believes everyone is better off without you-happier and less shipwrecked
i know no one believes that..

she said you've yet to visit her in a dream
and i feel covetous that you have come to me a number of times in my sleep
we are happy, you are yourself and you're telling me things are ok where you are.

still, when i wake up i know you are not here the way so many people need you to be
and it makes me morose.

as the yearend forces us to move onward
i am hesitant to let go of your memory.
a new year seems too distant from when you were with us.
i am having a hard time letting go of it, you, and the grief that still holds tightly onto my heart.

as much as i want to move forward from the heartache and say goodbye to this year 2011
i need something familiar and close to where you are and where you were..

i trust myself and the good fortune that 2012 will bring
but easing into and out of our last moments together has been arduous at best.

i am forced, with incomplete resolution, to move from the last year of your life
into a new one without you
and it's toilsome brother..
so unyielding...

but when i hear your laughter in my mind
and think of the way you would have wanted it
i am light and i am eager to conquer the challenges
that the new year will afford me.
i am resolute
and beckoning the new tide that awaits to test my skill.

i look forward to carrying on in your memory and bringing your dear child closer to who you were.
i embrace the lessons and wisdom that i've yet to discover in your absence yet with you forever by my side.
i am ready and i am determined, brother.

and as this painful year expires and falls by the wayside
i am carrying you and it, heavy as it may be, within me
and we are moving together, brother
into and over the bridge between you and a void
and we will make our way as happy as we can be
to the unknown...

square spaces and circular promises...

it seems like a million distractions have kept me from here-
the world spinning, the memory fading
things called life.

i tried you-via your mother's work number- but you never got back to me
i've invested time in your reasoning and a thousand things that didn't occur to me
finally occurred to me.

the biggest thing i've come to recognize is that sometimes people hold our former selves hostage
people have a way of reminding us of who we were when we knew them or when they knew us.
and i am surmising, jimmy, that you, old friend and lover, do not want to be reminded of me who reminds me of you
and who you were...

but i have something to say about that
and it is this-
i hold on only to the good things about you and who you were and are to me-
sure, it's been probably a decade or more since we have held one another's words within earshot of the other, but your memory has been good to me.
your poetry,
your steadfast love

i hear you've gotten married
two months ago it seems.
you are making big things of yourself which i hardly doubted you would do.
in your mother's photos you are you- grown up and tall doing the very thing that reminds me of you
and only you.

you are dallying with your ring, that once was a ring we shared, turned now to your wedding ring..

i can understand and rationalize one of the million reasons you have yet to call me up
lingering resentments
idling feelings
disconcerting reminders of who you once were when you were young-

whatever your reason-
know that i'm still waiting
and am looking forward to getting to know who you are now...

conduit of fur..

lovely
she is.

unaware
and unavailable to me she is
long distance is the excuse

she is a recluse
when she falls into this
far away from me.

she's driving with part of me in the backseat of her life-
the thing that drew us together
she somehow gets to take far away.

but as i breathe in
i remind myself and her that our conduit of white fur is between us
as it always has been

and she sleeps better
and i sleep a little more aware
of the absence of the two.

sapho and i dream peacefully
each drunk in our own happiness
of what life used to be
before the rush of love
and the rush of puppy towards us..

there is no perfection better than the present
starry light.

like a broken record i testify my love
to awkward ears that can't
take me in.

i tell my wayward friend that i'm sensitive to the teasing
and she knows she can get me easy-
i'm a sucker for the tease
and she'll get the rise outta me like she wants.
after i unfetter on the floor
spilling my simple self all over for her to mop up
and laugh at.
she tells me she loves me
and likes to see me lose myself every once in a while.

though i'd rather like to keep myself more together in that sort of company
i forget the details of my better judgment as i pour over the ground that is only holding one of us up.

back to you my love,
may you soon come home to me
so that our four points of connection can meet once again..

hold on to yourself...

i have dreams of my dead brother
and though the dreams are there
the memory is sometimes swimming in me
and other times it is harsh

there is an obvious silhouette of him
and though no greeting is extended
he comes in my dreams to tell me a little more of the story
than i was willing to take in before.

often we are at odds
or perhaps we are one in the same
it makes no difference
because once i wake
i again recall that he is lost in me.

my mother and i talk of her hauntings
and how she cannot accept this
and i tell her to just be
with it
in solitude standing
just as he was
in his final moments-
but then again
he is her baby
and i will never understand that
or what it means to have a living in flesh part of you die.

i don't pretend
and i don't try to pacify the anger that she must feel.

we go back and fourth about the details which is a privilege of the living
and we restate the things we've been told and curse at the things we haven't

there was a sudden quake
then silence
and as we unbury ourselves from the rubble
we make slow sense of
the stagger, stumble and trip
of his life.
we learn slowly the walk he danced
gracelessly.

we learn of the tales miserably unfinished
and we try to polish the end-
make it fit the stories that we've been told
of the happy man
that didn't exist at the end of the day in that life.

i hold no grudge to those choices
or those friends
but i wonder
how lost he was
and how lost anyone was who believed the stories he told.

there will forever be a fire
in the solution
and the finding
of him
as he gave up his last breath in the largest of the 5 finger lakes...

how lost could he have been
when he lost himself?

the new proud...

though we have traveled few miles with each other i want you to know what i'm feeling towards you.

this could be my story with so many out there
but this
it is just about you
this is so particular
and so prominent for the likes of you.

a crush
a distant longing
filled with emotion and unanswered questions.

we have both been all over the map
and registered ourselves against the losses we've overcome
and fixed somehow.
and now i find myself thinking about you
and who you are in the next new challenge
and i wonder how far we have come in life even to be friends.

i never told you how much i processed our latest conversation-
i somehow moved from it and didn't recognize the impact.
but now as i look at things from a different light
i bow to this and to you and i realize the difference things have made.
i have taken the tears and looked to see that i'm all right
and i've grown
and i've lost sight of you
mostly because i realize you are unavailable to me
and what i would find in your wake.

i stand and i wake
to the reality that though you have brought a new realization to me
you cannot decifer more than you represent.

you are merely a messenger
and i can accept that.

i can see you for what you are and what you are not.
and though love is not a word between us

i can love you for what you have shown me...

fleeting..

long conversation
we covered things for the most part-
we talked about all the places that women's spirits can haunt us.

the past is never very far when you're living inside a memory that won't let go.
loyalty finds crevasses in the tiniest of spots.

sometimes the best side to take is neither
and in that place you may have to argue the most to be heard.

sitting here now i can smell her shampoo on my skin
a long embrace leaves evidence every time and in the moment i'm happy for the reminder.

sitting here now i'm not sure who i'm more loyal too
my ideals or my whimsical imagination
she says sometimes you don't want to turn around to see which part of you is looking back.

in your quest to discover which part of you will prevail in love- i have one piece of advice for you-
follow your instincts-
shut out the big, fat world and all of it's judgements
and find yourself in the innermost moment of silence.

take it apart and put it back together.
you seem comfortable in where you are from the outside-
i can't answer for you where the discomfort comes from
or from whom.
i can only tell you the growing pains that you are in the middle of are good for you.

i could lose myself in this muse of you
and go looking for myself in all of your stories
but what it comes down to is this-
everyone has the choice to become the person who they'd like to be
and i think in the end you will end up being just who you are..

the condition of being received...

everything about that book felt lived in
the way it smelled
the way the pages were folded and bent

even her notes
with dates
and names
and scores of the one's who've lost
and the # of times she fooled herself into thinking she won.

it's all there

even the scars
and mistaken people she's been along the way.

she never claimed that she had anyone fooled
she'll tell you she was the only one who didn't see the reality
staring un-tongue tied back at her.

what was the message she got in those bottles?
what was she looking to find
or lose?

just as i come up for air
she's there and she's listening as i make sense of brothers lost.
she lets me break it down and she keeps me afloat
not in the way you'd think
but in the literal way
and in some emotional way as well.

she's helping me lessen the complications that linger around the sibling ties
that keep me in this struggling state
she gets that i'm digging in the dirt to make sense of the things that don't offer up answers willingly
she's got lessons and stories to share
and i like her because her life has been lived in
every last part of her has been broken
and is coming to the light every day that she goes searching for answers.

in her there is wisdom in the words
that spill around her
and as we go back and forth with a nervous excitement
and complete willingness to
share the once unbearable parts of ourselves-
there is redemption
and reconciliation just the same.

sometimes all it takes is a stranger's gentle caress
to break the walls down that have stood proud though mistakenly non- protective.
just between you and me
there is nothing to hide
though we've let our fists and words do the talking.

with her i want to give it all away-
every last secret
that i thought would hold me safely in some concealed oblivion.
i want to let it all go
free.

and as i stand up to leave i realize i was never as heavy as the false pretense

i am lighter
and easier to get

i like that
and feel like our shared words are lived in
because that is exactly what they are.

the two of us
are exactly lived in...

old news runs deep...

11.20.10

the only word that I didn’t think of..

a trip to the dr.
the same question every time
the same answer..

no.

i’m adopted.

more of me gone than when i walked in

Again.

distance
and a turned back to my lover

i sleep soundly
as I heal

Stitches.

i’ve somehow inherited
this
and it’s one of the few connections i have..

she said i was one of her favorite people
and how she (we have) has changed.

she said living with me was easy
but loving me was hard

‘you are a free spirit.’

they are similar i thought.
all the most important people.

i told her the similarity is how deeply they loved me
how they all saw more in me than i saw in myself.

that last part i didn’t say
but it’s what i’ve always thought and knew.

a roommate whose voice i don’t recognize.
i don’t know.
and i’ve lived here almost 3.5 years.

of all the things i’ve been thinking
it never occurred to me.
i may have made it through a lot
and may only share a little

i may smile most of the time
but the word (i didn’t think of) i’ve never used before to describe all of this and how i feel

is

Hurt…



My beginning has come up a lot lately
People talking about attachment
And betrayal
And how sometimes we do things that hurt others but it’s not about them it’s about (hurting ourselves just so we can feel an affliction at our own hands and not the hands of another/others)
figuring something in ourself out.

Sometimes my beginning comes up in terms of being a mother
or in how I understand my mother
If I ever could,
or how to sympathize with my birth mother or whatever the latest pc word is to describe the woman who I am from.

My family
and people close to me often put me under a microscope and try to understand
or justify why I am the way I am with them.

How I’m touchable (reachable)
but always just out of reach. (touch)

The truth that they want to know is simple
and I don’t know that they would really understand

but when you lose your mother
without a trace
without an explanation
the world becomes very small
it becomes a place where anything could happen

And if the worst thing can happen
then there is nothing to lose.
anything can be gambled on
because nothing will hurt as much to lose
as a mother.

A mother who gave herself to you for 9 months selflessly
then gave you up after 24 months and 14 days.

I have spent my life learning to feel less
does this make sense?

I wish it made sense to everyone around me the way it makes sense to me.
I have learned how to love but not how to completely let go
I have made amends to make it work
And it has for short periods of time.

I am not resolved to living my life partially but there are some rules
that have been inscribed in me that I don’t question.

Today I am love
And perhaps am in love
And that is all I need to know

Tomorrow I can only hope for the same
But you never really know.

My beginning has come up a lot lately
but you know,
I think I’ve made progress
And that’s all that really matters..

person you used to be...

she's lit
and she doesn't give a damn about what it's doing to me

she's high as a kite
and she's looking for an electric line to bring her down.

she's offered everything but she's got no more currency
to take any of it in.

she shines with intensity
and she's got no clue on how
to come down.

we walk in similar circles but nothing spirals faster than her mind
when she's crashed.

it's dark
and no one's home
she occupies that body only half of the time.
she's got an ongoing appointment with the devil every day at 4.

if you don't remind her
her body will
as soon as the shivers start coming on.

she'll tell you she's not addicted depending on the company that's listening.
if you are the friend she's not fond of -
she'll fight you like you're the monster that lives inside her mind
if you are tried and true
she will remind you that you don't know her
when the clock turns 10.

i woke up to a bad dream that i was fighting her to give a damn
but she was long gone
in her stupor
far gone and lying beside some strange man.

it was a mistake to fall in love with this shell of a woman
no one told me it would be easy
but she made it sound so simple
like it wasn't a battle of wills, only time
she didn't represent the monster
she never introduced the other that lived with her
in her and kept her hostage.

i was a fool to think i was any different
i was a fool to think i was good enough.

though i was right there along the road
years have passed and the decades have proved
no one
and nothing can be
or take the place of her vice.

it is you
and you are it.

as i let go
i see
she' lit
and as i slowly walk away
i recognize
she's forever out there on her own
out there all alone
walking wounded
unaware that i was ever there.

i can only hope she will someday know
that i am here like a forgotten scar-
i am buried in her
silent
but trying to serve as a reminder that she will inevitably heal...

she tells me...

i start the title before the book is written
a chapter or two i have
but not much else

she says when i was a kid it was my way or the highway
she's the type to say 'turn me loose'
and i know exactly what she means when she says it

she says she's figuring it out just like the rest of us
only she's got something deeper that needs resolution.

who to love
who to leave
who to be.

she's open like a book
and i like her that way
i'm open like a book
and she likes me that way.

our hours together comprise of truths that were buried deep
and only recently excavated
we share like we've known each other-
like we've trusted each other-
or anyone for that matter
for a while longer than it's been.

she wants to be addictive
and secure
and someone to just get her

i get her.

without brushing our hands on each other's face
we weaken the resistance
the way it takes lovers years to do
we don't ask questions about anything but what is
and shower each other with sympathies reserved for family
or the family we deserved to have.

we comprehend the broken
and severed
and we recognize that we survived
the hardest part
without recognition
or credit.

sometimes these things go unnoticed
but when you meet someone along the way
who just knows
they
just
know..

in her
there is a part that still wants to give
a part that isn't jaded by early disappearances
and missed occasions
there is a part of her that found the right people along the way
to show her
that the typical
is anything but

there are few loves around
like her
there is no other glove that could fit her as well.

solitary sister
there is still a part of you that wants to live
solitary sister
there is still a part of you that wants to give.

she tells me
she's a survivor for better or worse
and though it never makes no sense
the fire burns despite the water trying to drown her spirit

well i'm holdin' on
and she's holdin' on
and i've got a lighter up to keep her warm
i've got heat
to give

and she's got room to take it in.

she tells me things like she's known me
all this time
and i tell her i've got an ease like
this is the second time around for us in some way

i like that the understanding is there
and that the boundaries are unnecessary
because it seems like there's nothing too far to cross
or too close to miss.

i'll meet her half way any time
i'll meet her anywhere she wants to go.
because she's got something for me
and she tells me i've got something for her
despite me not knowing exactly what that is...

best around and abound...

we are twisted and we are tight
we roll and we laugh
and make light of our dark situations
this is how it rolls
in the life of us
we just know
how to blow smoke into the places that have no air

we just know when to breathe
and when to hold our breath.

we remember and then forget
that each other remembers even the worst
but we don't hold it against one another-
we just prop
and we just drop
those things to find the answers and questions to help us grow.

despite feeling the cold places
we embrace
each others places of fear
and we hold them up for reflection
the way they ought to be.

curious we look
deeper
and make sense of the insensible
and we again laugh at the absurdity of our egos
and how they make an ass of us on even the brightest of days.

illuminate
everything and everyone
we are resound to making the best of it all.

best friend
who gets even the invisible in my thoughts expressed
you are the one
the one to be here
when everyone else is busy
distracted
by it all

i get the underside
and you get the upside
and we explain the mess
of the in between

of what was said
to the side
and front of us.

my soul's twin
there is no explanation to this

it just is.

and the world finds us within it's reach
and we find each other within reach
at the right moment
again and again.

love never lover
let's keep the heavy weight on our shoulders for one another
like we do
no questions asked

no answers left unsaid..

like we do...

only girl in the middle..

words and words away
she reminds me of the last night we had together.
how we spoke and what we teased about
i have some photos of us
but i'd rather have
some words to lean on from you brother

she said in
the rear view mirror
she saw you
passed out
she said
you drank yourself that way

me,
i didn't
see it
or the way
the anxiety crept into
our conversation in passing.

i've been talking to a new friend about things of this matter
and sitting in circles with strangers on saturday mornings
trying to make sense of what you had
what we have
and what he denies

i'm not feeling any closer to you in this brother
i'm not feeling any closer to me in what i'm learning.

i know i have a long way to go
a lot more solid conversations to have
and more disappointment to let fall to the wayside.

like i said
i've been trying to lead by example for a while now
but no one seems to notice the only girl in the middle.

in the end we all live by our own mistakes
and we learn by our own certainties
even if we don't think we deserve what we get
and where we end up.

what i take in
is not to judge myself
for the misspoken words
and finger pointing

in this i can't seem to notice the only girl in the middle
and where she came from
what emotion exploded in those moments
and months
turned years

i just notice that i feel pained for having led by that example.

the earth is growing grass by now above
where you lye beneath
sheltered in your pimped out castle
wearing the first and last outfit i ever chose for you

in regret i wish i would have come to you with arms wide open
and judgement reserved a little more

but brother i'm learning too
though somewhere
these sort of things shouldn't be taught in hindsight..

a sting.

bright.

i learned that the familiar around me
is more like me than i knew.

if i had my way
there would be nothing to bury in this
there would be simple-
no used up words
and half mast regrets.

loud.

i like the pronunciation of the the things i can't quite feel
i like the reminders that there is a god in the rhythm of all of us.
i remember to breathe
and remember to forget that if i had my way i might be in a different position

different and maybe just a little the same..

what i've known..

10.17.11

shortly after i heard the news of your passing
fireworks thundered in the sky for the longest of moments
i searched for them
but could not see what i could hear.

this finale must have been for you erin
for you
an amazing woman
whose laughter and smile i will never forget.

it is hard to think that it was almost exactly two years ago
that you told us that you had found a mystery.


things ultimately took you to a place where your spirit
couldn't be held back
confined
and hindered by a body.

i mostly knew you in passing
we shared a few moments

laughed even more
and loved the most.

you were so light
so free
so happy.

it broke my heart to see you as anything but what you always were

i think of you now as i have been for two years now
and i am happy that you are finally at ease.

though you have left many who were not done loving you
with us all you have left endless memories
and laughter.

for what i've known
i am proud to say we shared common spaces
loved common faces
and witnessed your graces

may you be on your journey
to find the better part of you

i am thankful to have known you
and heard the laughter
and seen the light you emitted.

RIP sister Erin...

distractible...

you changed me
and you changed me again

i am not so familiar with this now.
i am quiet though i'm living out loud on the outside
i don't know how to reconcile the two parts of me that are struggling for surface time.

i am stuck on the smile of others
and giving complete strangers my best attempts.
i am mostly met with blank stares
and occasionally a smile is returned.

there are things you shouldn't say
i think
as i carelessly say them

and there are things you shouldn't think
as i hold them up for reflection.

she tells me that these things are to be expected
though she doesn't say how long i can expect to be unfamiliar and uncomfortable in my shoes.

it's a struggle i'm quite aware of
to have bad habits to fall back on.
as if the digression is acceptable to everyone but me.
or perhaps it isn't?

the dueling continues as it always has
between the monk and the id.
one is written on my skin
and the other etched in my mind.
how these battles prevail
will be in question until i master the art
of compromise.

with myself
and my ever reaching
ever searching
wander lust...

anything like me..

brother
i dreamt of you
two months after you took on your new role.

it seems impossible at best
for me to recognize and
accept
what has become of you
and me
and this.

but in the dream we were together
and throughout our time i was more of me.

you came alive for us
despite us finding you stoic and emotionless.
you came alive more and more the longer we surrounded you.

you gave me a message that i'm having a hard time understanding and living up to.
you told me she was "good peoples"
and that our love was something special.

i just don't see it in this moment brother.

i'm having such a hard time seeing anything but me and my ever changing emotions.
and i wouldn't wish understanding this on anyone.

but still she is here.
standing right by my side.

i'm incapable of recognizing this sacrifice as it settles in front of me
and i hate this part of my present place.
i just don't know how to be anything other than all in my mind-
gathering memories
erasing moments
and reliving what i want.

i am weak
and unrecognizable
and i don't want to understand this part of grief.

how do you explain contradictions like this, brother?
i don't know how
i just know how to be in it.
and it feels everything but like me...

a lovely day...

i am full
and ready to burst.

this sex
this sexual energy
so full
and so alive.

i hear her
and i hear her again
and i want it.
i know it's in me

the music.

i miss that rhythm
of the drum
and the skins i used to kiss with my heart
and my hands
and my mind
and my stix.

i want her back
because she loves me.
connects me.
right.

maria isa
mayda
they remind me
of the fuck in this.

the groove and the
funk
and the straight up.

i wanna connect
and lately i haven't connected with anything right.

i breathe deep
and i let go
of the initial
but there is more
that's there.

i've been missing.
yeah i've been missing the music.
i haven't danced
and i haven't swayed to it.
i'm starving an essential part of me.

i cannot live without.

you inspire me
and what you make me feel inside is more than magic.

this soul needs touching
and you've gone as far
to put me back on track.

make me move
and make me expose
what needs to be set free.
i'm down to release
i've got a lot on this mind to let go.

sit there and be
a witness to this
and let me find myself again..

misheard...

we can agree on this baby-
i am impatient and less than willing to be

sometimes it just seems we see anything but eye to eye
and it gets you at the worst times
and it gets me at the worst times
but somehow
we navigate the waters.

and sometimes we don't.

and we sit in silence
angry and defeated
and with tongues full of unspoken words

it seems lately
since things haven't been making sense
that we have not connected the way we should.

and i don't know how
and you don't know how
and i refuse to bow
and you refuse to bow

so that leaves us lonely and with more questions
than answers.

i told you tonight
that lately i'm simple
and all about me
and all about ego
and how that is a dangerous place to be
because i know that the ego is insatiable.

you got it
and you got out
of my car
and we walked you home
boots hitting the sidewalk in unison
but our minds were anything but.

i've been here before
and i know i'm testing you
i'm pushing you
and you are pushing back
only to understand.

i don't have answers
i've just got emotions
and i'm sorry for this sort of thing.

you deserve more

but lately nothing has made sense but the erratic emotion
that fills me
and empties me at the same time

i live in constant contradiction
i love
and i hate
and i wish
and i ponder
and i want more
than is possible
or really understandable

but the same it makes sense to the primitive
emotive
part of me
the part that doesn't always want an explanation
or an answer
for these things that
make little sense.

still i want
i want to be understood
if not by you
than just by me...

one suspended belief away...

this form of rage can make me choke inside
but somewhere deep within i hear the steady rhythm of justification.

don't get hung up on the typos
and the forgotten birthday calls.
the past was merely days of open hands where a hollow book resided.

that book has since been burned
it didn't amount to much, they proved.
taking sideways steps to blind faith will get you nowhere but lost i say.

she clings to those words that she's spent hours and a lifetime finding
and though they can loosely be attached to her here and now
everyone knows she's a lost soul
standing on the brink of something undefinable.

you can apply these words to someone you may know or even the one who writes them
but really the imagination could take you farther to a truer answer.

a woman who stands behind a table calls my name
she neither knows me or cares to really understand my point of view
but i take my place in her line
for what it's worth
and when i close my eyes at the hauntingly bright light she shines in my face
she closes a curtain and turns away.

mother, i say
will you please stop forgetting about me.

you leave me every time i am critical of your sensibilities
and how you couldn't understand girls like me.
threaten me with your beliefs
disregard me to take back a point from your own mother but
does it really ever even out?

you are moved by her in her dying days
you say she has become so sweet-
the mother you always believed you deserved in some way.
well i can hear everything you are saying
and though you've leaned against me for years
some things always start out being a war

i can only hope our end will be something similar
to your answered prayer.
but as i look in your direction i remind myself
that i like to keep perspective...

she said to me...

how do you identify something you can't name
it's neither lonliness or desperation
i'd like to think there is something in me that just knows when i need someone in my life.

a stranger i try to know
an aquaintance i try to understand

there are people i meet
that i must learn.

sometimes my eagerness gets misconstrued
and confusion ensues.
i can be ungraceful and eager
when it's merely excitement to have found another piece of a puzzle that i somehow recognize.

i am unaware of my own reaction to such things
am i quick to reject?
am i quick to run away?

learning that a life of being misunderstood
can be lonely, it's true
i try to have faith that the one's who get me
just know my intention.

it's like being found when we connect-
like finding your vision
or a part of you that you know belongs with you somehow...


surliness can surely be mistaken for many things.
but how about we start seeing it as genuine curiosity rather than a threat?

she said these things to me and it made me wonder
about the rusted pipe that is loud but never seen...

ode to a little brother

do the right thing little brother

learn to love
learn to be there
at the right times
and even the wrong ones

don't succumb to the numbness that searches for you
and travels safely within your blood

ease the anger
that fills you like air
let go of the nonsensical truths
and grasp on to the things your heart tells you

conquer your vices
and give into the grace that searches for you
in your honest hour

forget the parts of your past
that do you no good
remember the moments of light
where you felt weightless and peaceful

there are demons that are searching for a home
in your mind
ward them off with the inherent space that eases you into easy.

don't follow all the men who have tried to lead you
learn how to find yourself in your own image
similarity isn't enough
it isn't genuine

you are your own leader
you are not a follower.

make peace with your mistakes and the mistakes of the one's who were supposedly right
if few truly know
then fewer walk in the path
of integrity

know that the tides of awareness ebbs and flows
like the stormy sea of learning
there will be days you are too tired to heed the message
and days you will wake up with a yearning to stitch the wisdom to your heart

we are all learners of the lessons in life
some fall and some stand
and some manage to do both at once

remember your innocence will be challenged
but your soul is your true compass
read from the map you cultivate
not the false tools that promise you a short, sweet ride.

every one of us breaks
and every one of us reinvents our broken parts
moving forward
stronger
and more steadfast in our resolve

so do the right thing little brother
and remember that of everyone and anyone
i will be watching you
from by your side
from behind you
and from above you

full of love
and full of a knowing
that you will be ok

i believe in you
more than you will ever know
and i see the broken parts
soon coming together
to help you move forward
and closer to the grace that resides in your bones...

twaddle on restlessly...

how to save a life

there are lines you can't cross
despite the short distance between you and the other side
some things that slide aren't necessarily moving without a lot friction beneath.

she has a post it note with a name on it
she has a memory with a face in it
and she can say with some level of certainty that the two are reminders that she won't forget
anytime soon.

nothing is making sense no matter how much she tries to juice it up with evening wines and liquors-
she'd fail herself if she gave into the pills that you nursed your demons to sleep with -
you know her better than to watch her lose herself coming back from the darkness that way.

no one is free from this ache

she has become unhinged and there is no amount of everything that will make anything subside
even just a little bit.
no flame has overcome this sort of pouring emotion that has been raining for days turned almost 2 months.

daylight forces her to be reasonable
but fading into darkness the anger emerges
the loss of coping settles comfortably back into the recliner of her mind.

it's urgent
and chaotic
in here
despite the calm and temporary sanity.
this is her ticket to crazy if she ever wanted one.
it's the card that breaks the deck that has remained boxed ever so carefully.

silence does not mean there are not loud noises in here
life does not mean she's alive or half living
it has been a while since anyone has been able to clearly define that or what she calls it.

it's about how to keep a tired mind at rest
it's about learning to comprehend someone broken on arrival...

there is only one of you
and despite you sending me the same messages for years
this is what my heart hears-
i have learned to play my part
though i'm still not sure of the role i was assigned
i witness and i grow
and i rise and i fall
and i search for some meaning in the indescribable void of comprehension

but when the daylight rises to full mast
i am only standing between a bullet and a target...

letters to my brother mike..

i can't help but to think that at some point he said
"there's got to be some place better than this"
a place where bodily addictions don't creep into each and every moment.

something tells me this could be so
despite the quick wit and
eagerness in his eyes.

i didn't know him like i wanted
because there were years of scar tissue
and unspoken words between us.
one moment changed things forever
and another some 15 years later
changed them again.

i tell you pivotal things happen when someone dies.
truth comes home
and lies get buried.

and sometimes it's the opposite that occurs.

we witnessed things like christmas in the sky
and angels over our stockings.

we weathered broken parents
and severed family ties
though you were spared the worst
and i never really understood how you couldn't grasp what it was like for et and i.

regardless of our bruises you seemed the least affected
but somehow the direction life carried you to
moved you one step forward and two steps back.

life has given us some hard lessons lately
and i'm still trying to understand your point of view
i'm only getting parts but it takes a pretty clear day and an open heart
to see from where you slipped off track.

i wish i could have saved you.

you've come to me several times in dreams
and i'm comforted to feel your ease now.
i am still unclear if you have forgiven yourself
and i tell you almost daily that i'm trying to do the same.
but there are times when i'm not so strong and i shut this and you out.

i pick up and dust off all the lessons that i have learned that i can apply to this and you.

i have a long way to go
and i can only hope that some sort of grace has followed you to where you are now.

i know there were so many good moments that we once shared and this is the time to bring them back
and in it there is a whole other part of life that is waiting to live again
i am holding myself to those promises with a strong conviction of the heart and i am believing in the beauty of what brought us to each other.

someday when there isn't earth and sky and endless limits of the mind between us
we will recognize one another again.
i will look forward to that time
and hold you close until it comes
and will wait for you to gimme some company again...

in the hands of unknown saints..

i tell her i am green at this
i don't know the better choice to make
i am out of my limits of understanding
myself
or anyone else for that matter.

it makes it worse when people ask me how i'm doing
i don't know what to say
or do-
i want to tell the truth and cry
but that's not the sort of thing they are asking for

it never is.

and it makes me feel awkward.

i wonder about things that i shouldn't wonder about
and she tells me we are too old to make those sort of mistakes anymore.
the ones you come to regret and never get passed.
but just the same
my mind is aimless and untame
and without limits.

i am trying to grasp something that is bigger than me
so i give myself room for senseless escape
that takes me far away from here.

i fall in and out of love
with life
and i am thoughtless when i should be thoughtful..
and i daydream about making the world hurt the way i do-
but i am a functioning non alcoholic in all of it
which should redeem me on some level
of hopelessness-

i don't think i'm the same girl i was on that first night
and i can imagine now what it feels like to be a little scared
of the things you can't see
and the things you can't make come true.

there are limits on everything
and my never-ending search to find them hasn't stopped
or made me less curious.

but boys and girls and everything in-between will walk these same lines
and they will kick us up in the dust as they too look for the white noise
that calls to them
and they will call each other by the same names we did
and they will eventually find the limits that define their world as well.

i am writing in the hours that he was still lost in-
one hour to go
and the number three will forever mean something different to me
as i dream of our yesterdays
and the colors fades to gray.

as i close my eyes
i try to make sense of the new normal that i am now a part of
and the mystery that surrounds us
and i can't help to know and justify
that things will never be the same...

even numbers he held...

it's getting late and i'm not done
pardoning myself
of the emotions that have taken me hostage.

i take you down the road i am living
the one where i'm million different people from one day to the next
and the meaning of volatile is inherently expressed and defined by me.

i am missing the rhythm that eases me from moment to moment-
just promise that you're on my side
and i'll do the same.

intuitive hits that have come to reveal their meaning
have shocked me throughout these last few months.
i don't want to know what they mean anymore
the water
the song
the knowing.

they have all come full circle
and i find no comfort in being right.
this time or any other time.

i haven't heard from anyone else who shares the same unfortunate tide
or title.
everyone is gone-
silent
and out of earshot
to my middle america ears

i could try to split the rainbow that is inevitably on it's way to me
but i don't think anyone's got their windows or eyes open just yet.
i am alone in contemplation of how this has halted the rest of them and us.
i wonder
and i wait
and think that perhaps the distance and silence is just a necessary part
of coping.

someone tell me this is so..

startled toy soldier...

sunset sailing
on windy skies
and blood shot eyes.

something tells me there's more to the story than what i've been told.
i stand corrected that a broken heart from a lost brother is the worst kind of feeling out there.

i heard a song that you sang that one drunken night out in utah and the words mean something so different to me now.
i recall how something broke inside of me to see and hear how broken you were in that moment.
you sang it proud though brother
even though i saw little pieces of you falling all around us.

since that day you were splicing
and little pieces were all around your feet but i didn't take notice
enough to step out of my discontent about the choices you made-
the ones that caused us to drift apart.

i had since given up on making sense to you
or having the same returned.
i didn't understand
nor comprehend what monsters rumbled your fleet
and stole your innocence each and every day.

i stood by and waited
for you
or something bigger
to fill in the missing pieces

something
anything
to bridge the gap
in our short, complex sibling journey.

i never understood why of all pictures to reveal in my everyday life
that i chose the only one of us three.
from a different time
from a different mourning
and burial.

never did i ever think that picture would be on show for our last visit.

brother
i won't pretend to understand you
any better than you understood yourself
and i've been forever assigned the task of learning you now in your physical absence
much, much too early.

your glove
your clothes
and your music that sings to me
has integrated you into my everyday-
more than you were able to in your waking moments.

though i'd much rather have your voice and your laughter
than the still objects that i have come to hold close.

for all the brokeness and disease that claimed you
there is a beautiful calm that has since come to represent you.
i walk with you by my side each and every day
and together we navigate-
you my silent partner turned angel.

i will love you as i have always loved you big brother
with a heavy heart and instinctual pain...

dark waters of love...

for my love.


intermixed between the voices
i hear you
whispering alongside my body

your sweat by exhalation
covers me in a mist like love

my body aches to move
and go
but you ask
for me to stay

you write letters
obvious
and precise on my skin
and you read my words unspoken
through rhythm
and just knowing

and speak them aloud to me.

as these days move onward
and i fall apart then back together
spilling about myself and all over you
i don't have to describe my messiness
to you
but i do

and you take it in
and take me in
and you do what you don't know how
and what you do know how
to me
and for me
and with me

and you watch me struggle
and sway in this seemingly biggest fight of my life to date
and you stand in grace
and reflect back to me
what i am not
and what i want to be.

then you spit fire for a bit
and let me revive you

this is our dance as of late
it is unpredictable
and senseless
though very necessary.

i am growing and it hurts
and you are witnessing
and it hurts

and we are somehow simultaneously
syncronized in our opposite-ness.

a love recognized and breathing softly.
through saltiness
and blurriness...

napoleon complexion...

a conversation
with an old friend
who i have given permission to know me in ways i'd rather not divulge.

he just knows
because he's witnessed 13 years of me
because he is more than half awake.

i trust him as much as i understand him
which can be more or less depending on the day and time of the month that we speak.

he reminds me
that i may never get what i want in these things
that i may never understand what i want to have.

that i must learn to accept because that is all that is left.
the grief that has been a constant next to the disappointment
and frustration.

how we learn to just take things for what they are
takes more work than i think i'm capable of manifesting.
but like a difference of point of views
i take the road
and search for similar results in a new destination.

i take one step closer to understanding how these things work
and how ties can be broken
must be broken
severed
and buried.

that is the only way i can survive.

he speaks and i busy myself with fixing things i can actually touch
and see
i add parts
and drop others
and though they crash to the floor
they are not broken
like
the figurative yet real
situations that suck me dry.

the fact that i still have a heart
convinces me that i can navigate most things.
the very real truth in my existence and will to love
is a testament that these seemingly biggest of things
have not broken me

but only made me understand
that there are no limits to the complexities
of family.

i can't escape but i can come to accept things for the way they are
and the way they are not present in my life.

the one lesson i most needed to learn came from the lips
of a stranger
who i let know me
witness me
and save me just a little
in this moment.

he says to me-

can you stay?
can you leave?
can you fall for a while?
as you learn to just accept?

folds in trees...

dog eared bent and unbent pages remind me.

i wake each day to learn the hard facts of life
i wander from address to home
street to life
chair to wall
memory to forgetfullness
to learn what breaks us all in an un-noticed moment-
grief
pain
loss
and
misunderstanding.

there is conviction of the heart that lives here in these parts.

i search for a commonality
in every corner that i park myself
i look for the condition
and the one connection
that binds us all

sometimes i find it
and other times i lose myself in trying to create it

i wake up and i seem to recreate the dilemma
that plagues me here in this life.
the lesson of persistence.
but a wayward persistence that undoes itself in the making.
i have fought hard to learn these lessons
and though we've spoken about it-
it eludes me now
and the lesson is temporarily lost again
while i am out there searching for myself
again.

desperation can make a predictable fool out of us
what we want
what we think we deserve
and what we fight for-
all intermixed in the cloud of privilege and greed.

i never quite understood the later parts
and how they are largely ignored in the psyche of most.
i never quite understood how dismissive people can be as well.
if you can't register something genuine
then how can you fool yourself into believing what isn't?

i am simple
when i'm complicated
i work on a system of levies
and tides

you won't find me anywhere but in the waters
floating
sailing
sinking
and
swallowing

there is a notice
a red flag
that presents itself to me
time and tide again

the lesson i'm forgetting
and denying
and not privy too
often enough

it lies in the curly
and the tangled
parts of the cut off parts of me
but it's growing back
and i'm coming around again to notice-

it tells me
and this time
finally
i recognize the letters
written in slow
big
letters
on my back.

they say:

you need to listen to the voice inside...

forgiven...

i don't do well with these sorts of things
heavy
and hard

i'm happier in the abstract concoctions of the imagination.
cryptic signals
broken meanings
and lyrical misinformation.

i keep dreaming about her
and in each dream there is a connection unrecognized but clearly apparent and felt.
i recognize the undertow of emotion but she is misled in her hesitation.
i don't get what the dream symbolizes.
should i delve into getting to understand her better
or into getting to understand myself?

last night the same lingering emotion was represented by another familiar person. on some level they sort of remind me of each other- one a childhood friend and adult aquaintence and the other a passerby in my work life.

i am baffled and confused by these emotion filled misunderstandings and omissions of truth.
what is the world telling me from behind a thin veil of tubular repression?

my past has been showing up on my walks lately.
i'm not the type to ignore someone when they are within earshot of me so i speak
and the moments pass and the familiar gestures are presented and responded to
and then we part
and i can't recall much of where i was coming from or what i said.
i've just been in that sort of haze lately..

god only knows that so many of the colors have come to fade away in my life recently.
i am here in body only.
yet i feel my brother all around me in spirit- only missing a body.

i won't lie and try to make anyone believe that i'm more than the less of what i usually am in this temporary disjointedness. i am a proverbial directionless woman at the moment and though it gives me an excuse to sit and accomplish little or make much effort (which is all i'm capable of) i recognize that the moment is full of promise as seedlings of future expansion is within me and i'm looking towards tomorrow for that new beginning.

i am giving myself permission to fall a part and be erratic and moody and selfish for a while until i figure out how to move forward with the new normal that i have been thrust into. i will falter and yell and give up temporary hope of making something of this incredible loss that i could have never predicted that i would feel and then i will remind myself that this happens every minute of every day all around me- loss.

and i will wake up a little bit more every day
until i am me again
and when the day comes that i feel alright
then i will move with a little more grace-
but until the day comes
forgive me for falling a part...

standing corrected..

it will be there first.

and it will be unrecognizable to the part of you that you've come to know
and mostly rely on.
and in the in-between moments you may think you've figured it out
or mostly gotten past it.

but it will be there first.

there will be a semblance of what was whole
but in reality
what you believed to be true
was not.
and not only was it a lie
but it was a messy lie.

there were words
and there were motions
and neither really connected
to what made sense at the time
before or after.

you watched like a child
believing the sort of fairy tale
that you had hoped it was
was nothing but a facade
and mislead expectations.

when you're ready to let go of all the lies
and start looking at the truth of the matter,
let me know.
i will give you the harsh reality
using gentle words
and pretty pictures
to make it easier to swallow-

and it will be there first.

the strength that you have prided yourself on having
won't fit the bill of this magnitude.
it will chip away the familiar
and will test every bit of sanity and resolve that you have come to expect that lives in you.

you will be broken
and unrecognizable to yourself and those who think they know you.
you will remember it much differently
and not at all like it is
and was
and will continue to be-

and it will be there first.

but in the days you will be given
and the time
that you will take
things will change
and
become more clear.

you will shed the broken parts
and new understandings will emerge
if you can stomach the patience that it will take.

there will be breakdowns
and fits
and moments lost
in the abyss of learning and transformation

but it will be there first
i promise you.

and you will recognize it once again when your eyes open
and the light is a little brighter
and you feel a little lighter.

i will be there to show you what still remains
and how much of what you thought you lost
is less than what you've come to find.

give it time
and recognize that even fairy tales have plots that are believable on some level.

don't lose faith in these moments
because they will return you to a place better than now.

you are bound to come around
and it will be there first..

dissonance unrefined..

phrases,
they come to me randomly
and in no particular order.

some of them i write down
and some of them i watch float by and out of my conciousness.

i am fragmented on a good day
and emotionless on most.
i recognize that things are moving quickly around me
but i am stuck in this disconnect
this place where over used words
and empty reality cliches don't phase me.

i am connecting to little right now
and they tell me that's ok-
that it's part of the grief.

but no one told me about the anger
the wrenching, soul crushing anger
that would spill and
leak
and
ooze from my pores.

i was not prepared for this sort of thing
and in the most crippling of moments i am seized by it-
unable to move
cry
or even
speak.

the fury is uncalculated
and sore
and oh so eager
to spill-

there is no way to rub this out
or give it a name

it feels stuck in me
and i can't shake it or wash it off.

but you see brother
it's not just about you
and how you left-
or the unrecognized moments
or conversations we had yet to have.

it's about everyone else
and what i've seen.
it's about not understanding
this sort of thing.

i may as well justify it
and then go on justifying it forever
but i'm not that person anymore.

i just don't know what to do with this.

you 'checked out'- as grampa wrote down in the address book of grandma's when she died;
before any resolution found it's place
you took the easy way out
when you look at if from the vantage point of the one's left behind.

i didn't see you as a quitter before and it's hard to start thinking that way now.
i know you wouldn't want me to see that way,
even if for a minute
but brother there was so much we didn't learn
so much i didn't teach you
and so much i didn't tell you that you taught me.

these feelings are knocking me sideways
and though on a better day i know this isn't the end,
but merely a new obstacle for us to overcome and get through-
i just wonder how people are gonna get past it..

a correspondence to an unwritten letter...

i can tell you that i won't recall what i'm about right now, later
you will have to promise me that you won't remind me either.

without focus i have been wandering for weeks
nothing much registering
my moods have been in more places than the most traveled nomad.
i am without
much more than the currency that my reputation holds
which may or may not be worth much to some people right now.

dreams come in heavy heaves
placing me somewhere familiar and unfamiliar the same
in the most lovely of moments i am surrounded by beautiful people
i am being pursued by a beautiful woman who can neither see through my thinly disguised confusion
or imperfections.
i am comfortable in the longer of moments we share
but there is always something bigger pressing, calling out to me to figure out.
i somehow keep getting caught up on the beautiful woman in front of me and fail to see the lesson i'm there to learn.

when i wake i am full
and i am a little bit empty
wanting so badly to fall back to sleep to hear the words i missed
to see the things i didn't catch at first glimpse.

like an aged man with a dying libido who must somehow prove he is still viable
i live in a moment with a grandiose self sacrifice of blindness so that i can avoid the awful truth of what i have become.

sometimes it is bearable and sometimes i do not recognize whose feet i am standing on
or who's rough hands i am holding..

just the same i fall asleep each night and search for some meaning that i missed the night before.

i tell you, i won't recall this shell of a person that i have become- to cope with the madness i've seen of late.
and i'd rather, sweet friend, if you spare me the reminder of the empty pictures that you take of me through this time.
i know i will return from this dark journey brighter somehow

just give me time
and don't remind me of where i've been...

shifting floors...

been away for a while now
due mostly to not finding any sort of stride
but something snapped today
something was bent too far and it broke
and now things are moving again.

moving again thank goodness..

it is possible to have a lot to tell her
without having much to say?
the years of silence have made a stranger of us

but something shifted
and swayed
and settled
and now we are left with some big silence
that no conversation will conquer

my emotional lineage
has surpassed this
and i can't map out the bridge from the past to the present...

i heard about a friend who is dying.
her smile
and memory has been constantly on my mind
i cannot grasp her reality.
it doesn't make sense
that i witnessed the moment she found the inevitable.

standing there in the kitchen touching her ribs
claiming that there was some sort of bump that she found.
little did she know
little did we all know..

how do angry little girls grow up?
especially the lonely ones.
i worry for the 9 year old that wasn't lost in me
but just might be forever lost in her.
what does a child know anyway?
way more than she should by this time...

i heard a story from someone about the way things
get in the way of compassion-
what happened to comfortable adults?
somehow we learned to cope with love by chasing away lovers with a bottle
hating where we ended up
and hating the one we married even more.
i asked her if there was a severance of bonds
and in her way she said yes
even though i knew she really meant no...

right now i'm in love with the idea of a couple of women who thrill me and stir me up.
there's some semblance in each of them
one of them is closer to my reality than the other
but i like that the one who drew me in to the other is a complete stranger.
someday we might have a favorite song
or maybe we'll never get the chance to sit in the same room to listen to it-
i'm fine exploring this strange attraction to the impossible...

things that i've noticed today excite me
as if spring has come late to my world.
i never much thought of humming until now
it seems as if those little things that move so slow
that aren't noticeable if you don't see the trajectory of their movement-
have somehow taken a detour through my visual and spiritual field.
i see things more clearly and that is exactly where i want to be...

someone asked me to recall a lover
and how she was with me
i didn't lie when i said i don't remember the intimacy that was between us back then.
i do remember that she didn't shutter the way that she does now.
i'm regretting that i didn't advise her to be more gentle when she breaks her heart-
oh the confusion of she and her and them and they..
it makes perfect sense to me
each of the pronouns and adjectives-
because they all equal love on some level.
even if they those levels are hard is distinguish...

happy in my purging i let it all fall easily from my limbic thoughts
into the everywhere and no where just the same.

someone's every day...

how was today?

today?

today i was here.

i was really here
and i noticed
and was noticed

you were there in your chair
a chair you later told me wasn't yours
but someone else's
and it didn't fit you

i was there at that time
because her chair was not working
and i was going to help the older woman
get that chair in the van

so we are sitting there
breathing in the dirty, chilled, exhaust air
waiting for the same thing
and i was a little high from the thought of the smile i got

and people were walking by
looking at you
but continuing on
and i thought to myself

are you supposed to be like that?
is your body supposed to be leaning over like that?
you didn't say a word and didn't ask for help
though i doubt you could see me.

i walked into your visual plane
and asked if you needed help

and you eagerly said yes.

so i touched you
your strong shoulders
and your tied feet

i moved you back upright
and you thanked me
and i was worried that it would happen again.

i wanted to fix you
and that chair that did not belong to you.

so i touched you again and made sure you were better
and i smiled

and just acknowledged you


something no one else was willing to do.

i looked back at the girl i was waiting with
and though she can't talk
she gave me the thumbs up and smiled

and i felt full.

it's the being a part of someone's every day
that made mine.

i was there to help them out
and i met you along the way.

it's things like this that remind me why i'm here in the first place.

i'm waiting for the gifts like these...

inaugural rides we share...

cold air
wind
and
darkness

they remind me of you

heavy
and deep breathing
make me recall certain things

i heard they're moving your bike
to where it belongs-

home.

girl,
you are everywhere tonight.

in the smiles
and smells
and reminders.

i felt you all over me.

recalling our kisses
in the booths
at the tables

watching your ass
as you turned around
and reached for things

things that fed me
and things that fed them

more
than our heavy,
wayward
gestures
needed.

you filled us with
the drug we wanted
and craved
and reached for.

i'm peddling fast
and
i'm peddling furious
and thinking of how quickly things come to pass

the winter
and the coffee shops
and your presence.

breathe in
and try to hold it

i feel the cars spin passed me
and look at every other biker
in the dark
and wonder how anyone could have claimed to have seen you
on your final ride

to the river.

how?
because as hard as i tried
i couldn't see them
or you.

all i could see was road
and light
and sky
and darkness

but the habit of feeling you
and seeing you in the small of things
is nothing any discrepancy could hold.

though you are by yourself
i am with you
and i can feel
what you loved

and what you were in love with

on the wind
and the heat
and the sweat
of working the pedal.

breathe in hard
exhale hard

i am now home..

where you now rest...

soft.boy.

sometimes i have to remind myself that i have a right to feel this way.

jealous.
insecure..
un -satisfied.

i am so rarely any of the above
but when i'm feeling it
i'm feeling it.

where are you JJ?

i want pictures
i want proof?

i want to know that you are together with her
so i have no room to wonder
and wander
and call.

you were one of the few
who entered
but did not leave.

sweaty and
racing
and wayward
we were.

i remember the wet spot in my bed where you lay-
so foreign to me.
it had only happened once before with him.

we were young and i knew better than him
but this time
you knew better than me.

where are you?

i search for you
and your girlfriend's page shows no sign of you.

a break up?
a heart break?

you so wanted a relationship.
an everlasting.
to share with your family.

we were close.

minus the boy and girl part.

i loved you
but was confused
and scared of the parts that made us different.

you were softer
than anything i've touched before.

confused by your gender
you told me your secrets of bending the norm
and i loved it.

but when it came to either you or her
i chose her.

and didn't really give you a chance.

i regret that.

because what we shared

was immense

and littered
by your lack of attention
and ability to focus.

it was the weed.
it was the pollution between us.

your cock
to my
cunt.


too different
to take.

i still think of you,
boy i almost loved.

and miss you...

girls in bars..and driveways...

from the top you can see the distance
and if you punch a little more
maybe you will see more weakness than you bargained for

i can recognize the feelings of awkwardness and i'm not sure how to bridge the distance of familiar
and digging a little deeper..

i recognize, in the echo that some may ask,
now whose gonna come find you?

there's a theme to the questions i ask.
that is my stamp.
my quest
and repeat plead.

it's times like these that i remember the people in my past and i think of the lightness that they now hold in my eyes
and i recognize the everlasting love i have for them..


my silver town girl (heather c)
who i confessed that i was in love with without looking her in the eye.

i wanted so much to touch her tear drops
as she meandered her way through lost faith
and broken promises.

i wanted so much for her to look me in they eye
but she was bound to turn away
so i didn't even try to tell her my truth that way..

tell me heather,

did you ever listen to the song?

angel falling in the skyline?

i tried to remind you that you were bound to come around..

your silence tells me that you have.
and i am happy for you..
may the days of shiek visiting the bar we frequented be laid to rest...




part two.


why should i stay here?
why should i stay.

i'd be crazy to not follow
follow where you lead.

yeah you-
those (irish) eyes
they tell me.

they tell me
we have been in better places.

the air around us reminds me
that things change
for the better

you started to notice

when once you could not see.

i see you now,
standing there in your resolve and defeat

and bitterness

convincing yourself to move on.

to prove to yourself

that better things existed
despite you being heel deep in the shit that makes
mud look pretty.

you spoke
and somehow were heard by these deafened ears.

i heard you
and i responded
and today we are in love
a year and a half later.

i will never forget witnessing your ephiphany in your driveway-
cars parked in the garage..

you said.
'yeah i will call you'
we are gonna do this!
yeah, we are gonna do this!'

and you were only talking about a dog walk..

but somehow i think you had me fooled.
a dog walk it seemed

but a life was more of what you were convinced of.

baby, despite who's right or wrong
you found your way to me
and that's all i care about.

i've got mad love for you
the unrelentless kind, too.

you won't go far without me.
this i know...

...

i want you to read this...

i want you to see this
my words
my truth

set abound for the eyes of the familiar
and unfamiliar

i've displayed myself
like a dish
something to be observed
judged,
and taken in

consumed

with a flavor-
too salty
too bland

too mismatched
and unrefined.

i am

all of the above

and i want you
to read this

these words.

yes,

you.

i want.

we can shine

even if the light is not upon us.

and we can beg the light to find us
and
even if it goes out
and we can still reach
for the warmth
when it's gone

and asleep.

i am perpetually in the state of searching
and seeking.

though at times
i am content being found..
more often than not.

i write
and i don't care.
what
you

think.

of me
and my

place...



i am used to being judged
for who i am
and who i am not

was not
could not-

ever could be.

and in those miserable and fleetingly free moments

i love what i am.

and what i am not.

i have a thousand examples of who i never want to be..

married to him

or her


or the idea of it


i am shaking free

of the caste system

where my eyes

and skin

and body

dictate who i can be

and who i will never be..

i won't lie that i think about it often

and look for an out.

thank god for my straight tongue in the language

and my lack of willingness to take on my native tongue.

i am so often asked if i want to return home,

to Colombia..

and the answer is always the same..

No.

i say.

No.

i don't have anything to go back to
but judgement
and a tongue that
is not my own.

i have become a hybrid

between similarity

and nothingness.

i cannot be claimed

nor designated
as a player for any team..


sure,
i have tendencies

but no one knows what my heart is saying

or what my language is
when i'm silent.

i agreed long ago
to be misunderstood

and i'd say i've done a good job perpetuating that vote.

i've been lonely at times

but still no one can label me

as anything but me.


and my lover-

she has limits too.

her skin prohibits her

and her past to enter.

but she -
she is aware
and is not ashamed.

as far as i'll ever know.


maybe i ought to listen to her

and learn from her..

as complex

and improbable as that may be...

the only road i've been down...

i have guilt over the honesty i share

i am not sure if it's about taking care to not offend or dishevel anyone's feelings that have stood stagnant to reality for decades
or if it's the latent rule to be seen and not heard

regardless
i blow regard
and quite frankly
care
to the wind
while i spit my truth
to the world
who had no problem in
displacing and
somehow overlooking
my reality..

so here you are, mother fuckers
here is my truth...

let it gag you the way
your cock has gagged me
in my innocence
and eagerness to please.

here are my words uncensored
and honest...

i let the words cleanse my mind

and in them i sing-
despite the fact that no one is singing to me, now...

black car talk...

i am fucking happy
i can't complain about a thing.

my life has the mis- direction it always has had.

i love the simplicity of the nothingness
that i love to chase
and embrace
and keep at the base of my being.

if i didn't have new beginnings to wake up to
each day
and the absence of corrected memory that most people are born with
i would be miserable.


she says, after i ask her-
i worry about and wonder if you are as driven as i am-
and then
i realize
that you are driven but by different things as i am..

i look at her, after i've asked the million dollar question and say..
i am in love with simplicity-
my ego needs no competition
i have nothing to prove, as you do.

i am content in the every day.
i am content in the sinister
and regularity of the 24 hour cessation of our lives.

i clock and lock the moments
and sing the words of others to a tune
and i remember, without remembering,
every
word of their life at the moment they recorded the song of their life...
ok so it was all in the 80's..

we all have to have a talent of some sort
and from some sort of era....

the air you breathe...

he fooled me
when he played the rugged
and congested chords

i had never heard such beauty
conflicted
and concealed behind the thick strings

that had to surpass his stoned mind
and thick fingers

he made that bass
dance the way my mind
thinks
when cloudy
and clear at the same time..

fucking brilliant-
i say to him

how recited- he says back..
that was from the album i just downloaded...

ugh,
how boys play with my feelings

time and time again....

the list...

i won't pretend that i'm the best lover

i don't think i've ever justified that sort of excuse to stop growing.
i reminded myself and her tonight
that i've promptly forgotten everyone before her.

i don't recall any other skin
or taste
or love
other than hers,
here
right now.

she seems oddly placated by this startling truth of mine-
but she somehow doesn't seem to buy it.

how, of all the truth's i've confessed, true this is.
it's trumps any memory
or imagined ego.

i recall that i've had many experiences
but they did nothing but prepare me for her-
her storm
and
her fury...

get up now...

so what if i only come back to you with drink on my tongue
and wayward sighs, coughs and hiccups.

even if the stars have made us blind
we are so clearly unblind in this love

we trace, draw and dictate what and who did us wrong in the past
and we compare the scars of those lessons learned
and wake up no different to anyone.

today you are still stumbling and grappling with your past
and everything is weighing on you and your sense of gravity.

the winter snow is melting around us
and the water's are less than silver pools

and you are trudging through to the other side

miles away from where you started.
with a new love
and new perspective on life
with hopes dashed and let go on the wayside.

she represents the ugly side of love
and i keep telling you to quit looking for the same outcome that you would provide-

in her letting go
she is not graceful nor
delicate in her dance
you must learn this lesson with a stilted wedge as your guide

i witness this part of your life
and even in my lonlliest moments
i could never justify this sort of disregard.

you make up
i make up
for the loss
of something we gave up on years ago

yet still
we hold on to some sort of fairy tale ending
that never happens in these sort of corners.

i wake up each day to a new story
and try not to become jaded in a experience i'm only witnessing vicariously-
i never asked for this
and you never asked for this

and i tell my story and command that it will be different
and that little comfrey bird tells me-
never
say
never

that i will or would put myself in the exact same place.

i won't pretend for a minute that i wouldn't give in easily to this same place
with you.

i'd be your fool
i would be your mat
and place to rest
devoid of my own feelings
oblivious of your greed

out of my love
out of love
for you

i'd be your fool my lover
a hundred times through

and in the words that ring off your tongue i'd also ask

could you be loved....

and answer in the same breath-

yes!

yes.

yes.....

yup..

The truth is rarely pure and never simple- Oscar Wilde

brothers and men....

in a new york minute
everything can change
and everything can get a little strange-
he says..
and boy have i witnessed that upon the vows that have afforded you new wives
and children, consequently.

my spelling errors to your love errors.
we stand face to face
you, republican, me liberal

facing the same fate
despite misguided steps along the way.

brother(s),
your passage has been littered with addiction
mine, doubt.
but in the end we fight the same fight.

i have shared a mother with you,
emergency and guilt ridden
as the wolf has been waiting at the door.

we shared a dad who was not always a father
mostly to you
and less to me.

time and time again we have been reminded of the reality that
one day our loved ones are here
and the next day they are gone
but somehow
we have missed-
missed the mark
of connection
without drink
or drug
or misunderstanding

but today we are reminded and forced to look at the
one
who succumbed-
who gave into
the empty deliveries
of false gods and wives and lovers.

he who has been called out,
by death and those still with us
to change his ways..

i wonder what you will do with this, brother,
what will you do with this calling
that is so obviously yours..

i stand, silent in my corner of psuedo support, and i wonder if you, the wonderous boy, will come out alive

and think, in anger,
what a silly pile you would be if you had lived in my boots...

Dear Mama's..

there is light
in the darkness
despite the cliche- ness of the fact.

i spoke
and am hopefully understood.

she says, " that forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past" (lily tomlin)
my god how ricocheted our past is.

bullet wounds
scars
and ugly marks
we've left

out of love.

oh how i've never loved another like you
you were what i lost
and what i found
out of desperado
and incognito

i didn't know who you loved
and you didn't know how not to love
what you seemingly possessed-

how wrong we were,
mother,
our love,
misguided and way ward

did we even have a chance to truely love?

mother i will find you
as the book says, "if you seek you will find"...
but really
in peripheral
and in love
i have looked
for so long!
and i have not found you.

i imagine you to be something that is not familiar
a face, dark but light just the same
a tongue, different and the same alike.
a loving,
more fierce and unforgiving woman.

how could i search for you
or want you
when i have someone in your place?

the guilt i feel over this
is huge
but still i wonder
what Mother
looks like me?
what Mother fed me?

what Mother dreams of me every night just the same as the one that chose me?

I will feel accounted for upon my death,
for there will be two souls that
search for me
in order to complete themselves.

haunted and un-haunted i will be
until that day....

Comfrey...

light and swaying-
the trumpet
i long to close to my lips upon,
plays
notes i may never know---
spit, running from the brass of it's slender back
down to the meaningful place that it plays.

our meeting was a fleeting image
you and your coy self
and me,
feeling i could conquer you
effortlessly.

how wrong i was
trying to be more than i was to you
physcially and mentally.

i recall a day when you brought me new perspective-
i come back
to that
and think your lesson
is still pertinent.
Woman,
whose name i will not speak.

you get more than enough recognition
and praise
and love
for who you are-

needless to say
i realize how my approach to you was out of learning-
a need to connect.

i saw what could be and i wanted to emulate that.
only my connectedness with another made it messy and
not seemingly platonic.
you were confused-
i was hurt
and rejected.

your dismissiveness seemed careless
my eagerness seemed aggressive-



it did not work
and i will work again to make it matter to you this time...

untitled...

i need something to bring this out
lure it from my bones
the music that resides in the in between spaces
that occupies nothing and
no one
but me
and this.

jazz.
oh how i hated the dance of you
but love the music of you.
such disconnect.

i dream of many lives
with music to go with it.
and i wonder how
pushing the delicate lines could make us closer
and more compatible..

two tambourines and a microphone...

playing the drums for me is like sex-
or fucking
to be exact-
it's hard
and unplanned-
and calculated, practiced
and sloppy just the same.
sometimes you have an audience
and sometimes you don't.

sometimes the only audience is your expectations
and blind hands searching for meaning.

but when i hear the music that's inside of me
or around me
it can make me MOVE
not just a little shake or
sway
but it can MOVE me!

give me air
and life
and some sloppy, silly excuse to sway
and act as if i have a purpose that isn't related to the mundane, practicality of everyday life.

i think
and worry
and feel this movement
that moves through me
and my fingers as i type
and i beg for it's appearance on the skins of my trap set.

trap.
it doesn't do justice.
there is no trap to speak of..
but there is
a mic.
and a spirit that moves.
and records.

erratic and
non-sensical.
i beg to deliver the message of my mis- understood soul.

the music is and can be understood
if you get it
and me.
it makes perfect sense
the in-between's and missed notes
of predictability.

if you dig deep and think
it makes perfect sense.

i am not a cryptic person
i put what is on the table on the table.

you can choose to engage me
acknowledge me or not...

however-
the music inside of me
doesn't lie
it is what it is
and what it (i'm not) isn't....

warm night conversation.....

i am a woman in particular-
with a lift bridge as a crutch to get me to a moment
or discovery.
i retract
and refrain
and walk away
from you-
my ever elusive claimed "wife."

what did it make you feel
to hear those words
sloppy from another's tongue?

but i digress
i am not that woman anymore
and perhaps your taste is more refined
than for me

i wait
guiltily
but curious just the same...

moments set asunder...

i miss playing the piano
and the heat of your body as you sat next to me
playing some off rhythm representation of annie's the sun will come out tomorrow.

but this isn't about you
it's about some fleeting memory that hits me every time i hear certain songs
that were finished.
that weren't ended or quit abruptly.

something about kissing and spitting white noise reminds
me of matt and the dog house.
i remember the smell and feel of his wet mouth on mine.
i remember not being very bothered by this boy
or any of the others that came after that-
i was merely a fish finding my water
a boulder finding the sand within.

watching the movie
reminded me of my own story
of anguish and confusion.
what i wanted was not what i wanted.
i just didn't know any better
i just didn't feel any different.

standing here looking back
i was marie and you were my floriane.
i just don't know why you have denied me and my questions for the last 22 years.
i search your name and even found a man who i thought was your husband
but he tells me he's never been married nor known anyone by your name.

i guess i will just have to live without closure
as i have many times before and many times since.

on a sunny day i remember how i wondered who i was and how i came to be this-me.
i never held judgement other than when i felt the cold eyes from others-
people called family
people called ignorant
people who still live inside their own lies

and today i am full
i am sure
i have had my closure
that i was waiting all along for.

being connected physically though more mentally to so many people who know and don't know me
is awkward-
stilted at most
and makes a plethora of emotion surge through me as i try to recreate and reconnect those ties that weren't necessarily severed but more or less forgotten.
i try to be myself -
the part of me that lives out loud
and the part of me that is so inward.
i give up trying to understand and appease
and give in to being the woman i am today.

i wonder about what would have happened if i had stayed
in all the places that oppressed and repressed me
i shudder in thoughts of being forced to be any different

there is fire in this belly
that keeps a steady burning in my life
and
in my love
i wonder how much i could have withstood
of lying to those cheerleaders
or those football players who were merely sillhouttes of indoctrinated gender roles.

i am forever going to be in love with the memories of moments of defiance
images of playing football with the boys on that gravel playground
my girl scout sash blowing against my androgynous, lanky body.
memories of punching grayson scott in the face as i ran back to home base across the creek-
he, an enemy for being a boy
me, being a bully because i was an aggressive girl.

move forward to images of standing up for a woman being hit by her abusive boyfriend
fighting fire with fire though the fire that stood in front of me was 6'2.

it pays be fearful of invisible things and not things that actually pose a threat.

all of those bits merely remind me that i'm right where i need to be.
and the people whose eyes cross over me are more meant to be seen by me.

still i struggle to bridge the gap of past and present
even as i consciously choose to merge the two.

ok- i somehow lost focus and what i meant to say
but i guess this letter to no one and each and everyone at the same time
forces me to recognize that as much as the past is a hard spot to lean on for long
and destined to break me
i can still miss it
for what it was and wasn't.

i wish my floriane and my matt and the countless others would have said it's ok-
as they took a little piece of me
but in the end i am ok
and better for the confusion and
self exploitation.

turning inside out is sometimes the only way to be right side in...