Tuesday, September 13, 2011

in the hands of unknown saints..

i tell her i am green at this
i don't know the better choice to make
i am out of my limits of understanding
myself
or anyone else for that matter.

it makes it worse when people ask me how i'm doing
i don't know what to say
or do-
i want to tell the truth and cry
but that's not the sort of thing they are asking for

it never is.

and it makes me feel awkward.

i wonder about things that i shouldn't wonder about
and she tells me we are too old to make those sort of mistakes anymore.
the ones you come to regret and never get passed.
but just the same
my mind is aimless and untame
and without limits.

i am trying to grasp something that is bigger than me
so i give myself room for senseless escape
that takes me far away from here.

i fall in and out of love
with life
and i am thoughtless when i should be thoughtful..
and i daydream about making the world hurt the way i do-
but i am a functioning non alcoholic in all of it
which should redeem me on some level
of hopelessness-

i don't think i'm the same girl i was on that first night
and i can imagine now what it feels like to be a little scared
of the things you can't see
and the things you can't make come true.

there are limits on everything
and my never-ending search to find them hasn't stopped
or made me less curious.

but boys and girls and everything in-between will walk these same lines
and they will kick us up in the dust as they too look for the white noise
that calls to them
and they will call each other by the same names we did
and they will eventually find the limits that define their world as well.

i am writing in the hours that he was still lost in-
one hour to go
and the number three will forever mean something different to me
as i dream of our yesterdays
and the colors fades to gray.

as i close my eyes
i try to make sense of the new normal that i am now a part of
and the mystery that surrounds us
and i can't help to know and justify
that things will never be the same...