it will be there first.
and it will be unrecognizable to the part of you that you've come to know
and mostly rely on.
and in the in-between moments you may think you've figured it out
or mostly gotten past it.
but it will be there first.
there will be a semblance of what was whole
but in reality
what you believed to be true
was not.
and not only was it a lie
but it was a messy lie.
there were words
and there were motions
and neither really connected
to what made sense at the time
before or after.
you watched like a child
believing the sort of fairy tale
that you had hoped it was
was nothing but a facade
and mislead expectations.
when you're ready to let go of all the lies
and start looking at the truth of the matter,
let me know.
i will give you the harsh reality
using gentle words
and pretty pictures
to make it easier to swallow-
and it will be there first.
the strength that you have prided yourself on having
won't fit the bill of this magnitude.
it will chip away the familiar
and will test every bit of sanity and resolve that you have come to expect that lives in you.
you will be broken
and unrecognizable to yourself and those who think they know you.
you will remember it much differently
and not at all like it is
and was
and will continue to be-
and it will be there first.
but in the days you will be given
and the time
that you will take
things will change
and
become more clear.
you will shed the broken parts
and new understandings will emerge
if you can stomach the patience that it will take.
there will be breakdowns
and fits
and moments lost
in the abyss of learning and transformation
but it will be there first
i promise you.
and you will recognize it once again when your eyes open
and the light is a little brighter
and you feel a little lighter.
i will be there to show you what still remains
and how much of what you thought you lost
is less than what you've come to find.
give it time
and recognize that even fairy tales have plots that are believable on some level.
don't lose faith in these moments
because they will return you to a place better than now.
you are bound to come around
and it will be there first..
