they come to me randomly
and in no particular order.
some of them i write down
and some of them i watch float by and out of my conciousness.
i am fragmented on a good day
and emotionless on most.
i recognize that things are moving quickly around me
but i am stuck in this disconnect
this place where over used words
and empty reality cliches don't phase me.
i am connecting to little right now
and they tell me that's ok-
that it's part of the grief.
but no one told me about the anger
the wrenching, soul crushing anger
that would spill and
leak
and
ooze from my pores.
i was not prepared for this sort of thing
and in the most crippling of moments i am seized by it-
unable to move
cry
or even
speak.
the fury is uncalculated
and sore
and oh so eager
to spill-
there is no way to rub this out
or give it a name
it feels stuck in me
and i can't shake it or wash it off.
but you see brother
it's not just about you
and how you left-
or the unrecognized moments
or conversations we had yet to have.
it's about everyone else
and what i've seen.
it's about not understanding
this sort of thing.
i may as well justify it
and then go on justifying it forever
but i'm not that person anymore.
i just don't know what to do with this.
you 'checked out'- as grampa wrote down in the address book of grandma's when she died;
before any resolution found it's place
you took the easy way out
when you look at if from the vantage point of the one's left behind.
i didn't see you as a quitter before and it's hard to start thinking that way now.
i know you wouldn't want me to see that way,
even if for a minute
but brother there was so much we didn't learn
so much i didn't teach you
and so much i didn't tell you that you taught me.
these feelings are knocking me sideways
and though on a better day i know this isn't the end,
but merely a new obstacle for us to overcome and get through-
i just wonder how people are gonna get past it..
