i can't help but to think that at some point he said
"there's got to be some place better than this"
a place where bodily addictions don't creep into each and every moment.
something tells me this could be so
despite the quick wit and
eagerness in his eyes.
i didn't know him like i wanted
because there were years of scar tissue
and unspoken words between us.
one moment changed things forever
and another some 15 years later
changed them again.
i tell you pivotal things happen when someone dies.
truth comes home
and lies get buried.
and sometimes it's the opposite that occurs.
we witnessed things like christmas in the sky
and angels over our stockings.
we weathered broken parents
and severed family ties
though you were spared the worst
and i never really understood how you couldn't grasp what it was like for et and i.
regardless of our bruises you seemed the least affected
but somehow the direction life carried you to
moved you one step forward and two steps back.
life has given us some hard lessons lately
and i'm still trying to understand your point of view
i'm only getting parts but it takes a pretty clear day and an open heart
to see from where you slipped off track.
i wish i could have saved you.
you've come to me several times in dreams
and i'm comforted to feel your ease now.
i am still unclear if you have forgiven yourself
and i tell you almost daily that i'm trying to do the same.
but there are times when i'm not so strong and i shut this and you out.
i pick up and dust off all the lessons that i have learned that i can apply to this and you.
i have a long way to go
and i can only hope that some sort of grace has followed you to where you are now.
i know there were so many good moments that we once shared and this is the time to bring them back
and in it there is a whole other part of life that is waiting to live again
i am holding myself to those promises with a strong conviction of the heart and i am believing in the beauty of what brought us to each other.
someday when there isn't earth and sky and endless limits of the mind between us
we will recognize one another again.
i will look forward to that time
and hold you close until it comes
and will wait for you to gimme some company again...
