i want you to read this...
i want you to see this
my words
my truth
set abound for the eyes of the familiar
and unfamiliar
i've displayed myself
like a dish
something to be observed
judged,
and taken in
consumed
with a flavor-
too salty
too bland
too mismatched
and unrefined.
i am
all of the above
and i want you
to read this
these words.
yes,
you.
i want.
we can shine
even if the light is not upon us.
and we can beg the light to find us
and
even if it goes out
and we can still reach
for the warmth
when it's gone
and asleep.
i am perpetually in the state of searching
and seeking.
though at times
i am content being found..
more often than not.
i write
and i don't care.
what
you
think.
of me
and my
place...
i am used to being judged
for who i am
and who i am not
was not
could not-
ever could be.
and in those miserable and fleetingly free moments
i love what i am.
and what i am not.
i have a thousand examples of who i never want to be..
married to him
or her
or the idea of it
i am shaking free
of the caste system
where my eyes
and skin
and body
dictate who i can be
and who i will never be..
i won't lie that i think about it often
and look for an out.
thank god for my straight tongue in the language
and my lack of willingness to take on my native tongue.
i am so often asked if i want to return home,
to Colombia..
and the answer is always the same..
No.
i say.
No.
i don't have anything to go back to
but judgement
and a tongue that
is not my own.
i have become a hybrid
between similarity
and nothingness.
i cannot be claimed
nor designated
as a player for any team..
sure,
i have tendencies
but no one knows what my heart is saying
or what my language is
when i'm silent.
i agreed long ago
to be misunderstood
and i'd say i've done a good job perpetuating that vote.
i've been lonely at times
but still no one can label me
as anything but me.
and my lover-
she has limits too.
her skin prohibits her
and her past to enter.
but she -
she is aware
and is not ashamed.
as far as i'll ever know.
maybe i ought to listen to her
and learn from her..
as complex
and improbable as that may be...
