a conversation
with an old friend
who i have given permission to know me in ways i'd rather not divulge.
he just knows
because he's witnessed 13 years of me
because he is more than half awake.
i trust him as much as i understand him
which can be more or less depending on the day and time of the month that we speak.
he reminds me
that i may never get what i want in these things
that i may never understand what i want to have.
that i must learn to accept because that is all that is left.
the grief that has been a constant next to the disappointment
and frustration.
how we learn to just take things for what they are
takes more work than i think i'm capable of manifesting.
but like a difference of point of views
i take the road
and search for similar results in a new destination.
i take one step closer to understanding how these things work
and how ties can be broken
must be broken
severed
and buried.
that is the only way i can survive.
he speaks and i busy myself with fixing things i can actually touch
and see
i add parts
and drop others
and though they crash to the floor
they are not broken
like
the figurative yet real
situations that suck me dry.
the fact that i still have a heart
convinces me that i can navigate most things.
the very real truth in my existence and will to love
is a testament that these seemingly biggest of things
have not broken me
but only made me understand
that there are no limits to the complexities
of family.
i can't escape but i can come to accept things for the way they are
and the way they are not present in my life.
the one lesson i most needed to learn came from the lips
of a stranger
who i let know me
witness me
and save me just a little
in this moment.
he says to me-
can you stay?
can you leave?
can you fall for a while?
as you learn to just accept?
