i don't do well with these sorts of things
heavy
and hard
i'm happier in the abstract concoctions of the imagination.
cryptic signals
broken meanings
and lyrical misinformation.
i keep dreaming about her
and in each dream there is a connection unrecognized but clearly apparent and felt.
i recognize the undertow of emotion but she is misled in her hesitation.
i don't get what the dream symbolizes.
should i delve into getting to understand her better
or into getting to understand myself?
last night the same lingering emotion was represented by another familiar person. on some level they sort of remind me of each other- one a childhood friend and adult aquaintence and the other a passerby in my work life.
i am baffled and confused by these emotion filled misunderstandings and omissions of truth.
what is the world telling me from behind a thin veil of tubular repression?
my past has been showing up on my walks lately.
i'm not the type to ignore someone when they are within earshot of me so i speak
and the moments pass and the familiar gestures are presented and responded to
and then we part
and i can't recall much of where i was coming from or what i said.
i've just been in that sort of haze lately..
god only knows that so many of the colors have come to fade away in my life recently.
i am here in body only.
yet i feel my brother all around me in spirit- only missing a body.
i won't lie and try to make anyone believe that i'm more than the less of what i usually am in this temporary disjointedness. i am a proverbial directionless woman at the moment and though it gives me an excuse to sit and accomplish little or make much effort (which is all i'm capable of) i recognize that the moment is full of promise as seedlings of future expansion is within me and i'm looking towards tomorrow for that new beginning.
i am giving myself permission to fall a part and be erratic and moody and selfish for a while until i figure out how to move forward with the new normal that i have been thrust into. i will falter and yell and give up temporary hope of making something of this incredible loss that i could have never predicted that i would feel and then i will remind myself that this happens every minute of every day all around me- loss.
and i will wake up a little bit more every day
until i am me again
and when the day comes that i feel alright
then i will move with a little more grace-
but until the day comes
forgive me for falling a part...
