you changed me
and you changed me again
i am not so familiar with this now.
i am quiet though i'm living out loud on the outside
i don't know how to reconcile the two parts of me that are struggling for surface time.
i am stuck on the smile of others
and giving complete strangers my best attempts.
i am mostly met with blank stares
and occasionally a smile is returned.
there are things you shouldn't say
i think
as i carelessly say them
and there are things you shouldn't think
as i hold them up for reflection.
she tells me that these things are to be expected
though she doesn't say how long i can expect to be unfamiliar and uncomfortable in my shoes.
it's a struggle i'm quite aware of
to have bad habits to fall back on.
as if the digression is acceptable to everyone but me.
or perhaps it isn't?
the dueling continues as it always has
between the monk and the id.
one is written on my skin
and the other etched in my mind.
how these battles prevail
will be in question until i master the art
of compromise.
with myself
and my ever reaching
ever searching
wander lust...
