words and words away
she reminds me of the last night we had together.
how we spoke and what we teased about
i have some photos of us
but i'd rather have
some words to lean on from you brother
she said in
the rear view mirror
she saw you
passed out
she said
you drank yourself that way
me,
i didn't
see it
or the way
the anxiety crept into
our conversation in passing.
i've been talking to a new friend about things of this matter
and sitting in circles with strangers on saturday mornings
trying to make sense of what you had
what we have
and what he denies
i'm not feeling any closer to you in this brother
i'm not feeling any closer to me in what i'm learning.
i know i have a long way to go
a lot more solid conversations to have
and more disappointment to let fall to the wayside.
like i said
i've been trying to lead by example for a while now
but no one seems to notice the only girl in the middle.
in the end we all live by our own mistakes
and we learn by our own certainties
even if we don't think we deserve what we get
and where we end up.
what i take in
is not to judge myself
for the misspoken words
and finger pointing
in this i can't seem to notice the only girl in the middle
and where she came from
what emotion exploded in those moments
and months
turned years
i just notice that i feel pained for having led by that example.
the earth is growing grass by now above
where you lye beneath
sheltered in your pimped out castle
wearing the first and last outfit i ever chose for you
in regret i wish i would have come to you with arms wide open
and judgement reserved a little more
but brother i'm learning too
though somewhere
these sort of things shouldn't be taught in hindsight..
