sunset sailing
on windy skies
and blood shot eyes.
something tells me there's more to the story than what i've been told.
i stand corrected that a broken heart from a lost brother is the worst kind of feeling out there.
i heard a song that you sang that one drunken night out in utah and the words mean something so different to me now.
i recall how something broke inside of me to see and hear how broken you were in that moment.
you sang it proud though brother
even though i saw little pieces of you falling all around us.
since that day you were splicing
and little pieces were all around your feet but i didn't take notice
enough to step out of my discontent about the choices you made-
the ones that caused us to drift apart.
i had since given up on making sense to you
or having the same returned.
i didn't understand
nor comprehend what monsters rumbled your fleet
and stole your innocence each and every day.
i stood by and waited
for you
or something bigger
to fill in the missing pieces
something
anything
to bridge the gap
in our short, complex sibling journey.
i never understood why of all pictures to reveal in my everyday life
that i chose the only one of us three.
from a different time
from a different mourning
and burial.
never did i ever think that picture would be on show for our last visit.
brother
i won't pretend to understand you
any better than you understood yourself
and i've been forever assigned the task of learning you now in your physical absence
much, much too early.
your glove
your clothes
and your music that sings to me
has integrated you into my everyday-
more than you were able to in your waking moments.
though i'd much rather have your voice and your laughter
than the still objects that i have come to hold close.
for all the brokeness and disease that claimed you
there is a beautiful calm that has since come to represent you.
i walk with you by my side each and every day
and together we navigate-
you my silent partner turned angel.
i will love you as i have always loved you big brother
with a heavy heart and instinctual pain...