Sunday, September 25, 2011

anything like me..

brother
i dreamt of you
two months after you took on your new role.

it seems impossible at best
for me to recognize and
accept
what has become of you
and me
and this.

but in the dream we were together
and throughout our time i was more of me.

you came alive for us
despite us finding you stoic and emotionless.
you came alive more and more the longer we surrounded you.

you gave me a message that i'm having a hard time understanding and living up to.
you told me she was "good peoples"
and that our love was something special.

i just don't see it in this moment brother.

i'm having such a hard time seeing anything but me and my ever changing emotions.
and i wouldn't wish understanding this on anyone.

but still she is here.
standing right by my side.

i'm incapable of recognizing this sacrifice as it settles in front of me
and i hate this part of my present place.
i just don't know how to be anything other than all in my mind-
gathering memories
erasing moments
and reliving what i want.

i am weak
and unrecognizable
and i don't want to understand this part of grief.

how do you explain contradictions like this, brother?
i don't know how
i just know how to be in it.
and it feels everything but like me...