11.20.10
the only word that I didn’t think of..
a trip to the dr.
the same question every time
the same answer..
no.
i’m adopted.
more of me gone than when i walked in
Again.
distance
and a turned back to my lover
i sleep soundly
as I heal
Stitches.
i’ve somehow inherited
this
and it’s one of the few connections i have..
she said i was one of her favorite people
and how she (we have) has changed.
she said living with me was easy
but loving me was hard
‘you are a free spirit.’
they are similar i thought.
all the most important people.
i told her the similarity is how deeply they loved me
how they all saw more in me than i saw in myself.
that last part i didn’t say
but it’s what i’ve always thought and knew.
a roommate whose voice i don’t recognize.
i don’t know.
and i’ve lived here almost 3.5 years.
of all the things i’ve been thinking
it never occurred to me.
i may have made it through a lot
and may only share a little
i may smile most of the time
but the word (i didn’t think of) i’ve never used before to describe all of this and how i feel
is
Hurt…
My beginning has come up a lot lately
People talking about attachment
And betrayal
And how sometimes we do things that hurt others but it’s not about them it’s about (hurting ourselves just so we can feel an affliction at our own hands and not the hands of another/others)
figuring something in ourself out.
Sometimes my beginning comes up in terms of being a mother
or in how I understand my mother
If I ever could,
or how to sympathize with my birth mother or whatever the latest pc word is to describe the woman who I am from.
My family
and people close to me often put me under a microscope and try to understand
or justify why I am the way I am with them.
How I’m touchable (reachable)
but always just out of reach. (touch)
The truth that they want to know is simple
and I don’t know that they would really understand
but when you lose your mother
without a trace
without an explanation
the world becomes very small
it becomes a place where anything could happen
And if the worst thing can happen
then there is nothing to lose.
anything can be gambled on
because nothing will hurt as much to lose
as a mother.
A mother who gave herself to you for 9 months selflessly
then gave you up after 24 months and 14 days.
I have spent my life learning to feel less
does this make sense?
I wish it made sense to everyone around me the way it makes sense to me.
I have learned how to love but not how to completely let go
I have made amends to make it work
And it has for short periods of time.
I am not resolved to living my life partially but there are some rules
that have been inscribed in me that I don’t question.
Today I am love
And perhaps am in love
And that is all I need to know
Tomorrow I can only hope for the same
But you never really know.
My beginning has come up a lot lately
but you know,
I think I’ve made progress
And that’s all that really matters..
