filling in the empty spaces of consciousness
theses days of my life passing like the clouds in a somersault sky
I am searching
Again
For the meaning of my transgressions
Again for the meaning for my limitations
That clouds the imagery of my stilted sunset
What I once connected to and counted on
Are trivial mishaps that jaded my ever-folding heart
A hello turns to a goodbye in the matter of minutes
A short few hours reveal to me a closet of memories that start out green then turn to an unfortunate burgundy
My hurt right now comes from my history of mixed emotions that catapult me to a place where I am untouched
An untouchable heart turns cold and uninformed when in solitude.
My body follows my head around even when I’m clearly emotionally crippled.
And that is where I succumb to my fears –
Some days all the lights shine on me and other days
there is nothing
I’ve spent a considerable amount of time figuring where I’m headed-
Places that are happy I’m betting
Places that will challenge even my most solidified of judgments
I could use the shaking up
I could use the feelings that love bring
But for now I sit contemplating what mistakes I’ll refuse to repeat again-
Love is a four-letter word I’ve found
r-i-s-k
and in each of those letters lye a history of choice, challenge and resurrection.
I’m hoping for the latter at this point...
Searching I think
Is what it is
Validating something inside that wasn’t validated when I needed it to be
The right way
At the right time
Now I’m running to everyone who looks familiar somehow to let go of the abandonment that lives inside me
I’m giving that silenced love away
Because I no longer want it
What she gave me was all I that I needed
Only I didn’t recognize the significance of it till now
As I’m alone and cold-
Carefully crafted lines that are impenetrable keep all that is bad out-
Surely
But it also keeps the good out as well
Cuckold against the jugular of my being
Playing the victim to somehow regain some of the power that I lost
Taking back the only thing that was truly lost in me
Who will know this but everyone I’ve ever tried to love
And now
She has me figured out even if peripherally
I remind myself by revisiting the image captured of her looking at me-
I’m so brazenly missing this utterly beautiful look of love-
I see it now
And that counts for something
Even if the timing is too late
I realize now
How I’ve acted in faith, committed to this life that was introduced to me at 7
I am now ready to divorce the marriage of destruction that I’ve blindly been sacrificing true love for-
I am worth that much
Married to the wrong principle-
I find many better things to align my heart with...
