4.30.09
I've decided instead of the premeditated writings that i proofread and release beforehand that i'd free flow write- and post the things that are happening in "real time." more raw, more real..
Last year at this time i graduated from the biggest test of my adult life that i didn't create myself... education...
As i reflect on all the work and time and things that came from that experience a few things stick out in my mind-
one of them is my political and social awareness. another is my confidence in myself and recognizing that i am capable of expressing through writing what i think, and reflecting and critically analyzing it as well. I was challenged in so many ways by peers and teachers who opened my eyes to so many things but really the most vivid thing i remember is sitting across from rachel dow in our alternative knowledge class... something intrigued me the moment she sauntered in and sat across the room from me. I stared minute after minute, hour and hour at her- transfixed on something i saw in her- about her... when finally i got the nerve to talk to her i found her to be warm. we walked home together that day and the weeks after- her walking her girlfriends greenish blue bianchi beside me. we exchanged numbers and i didn't see her again for about 4 years after that. Until one day when i went into chiang to see my new friend Roxanne and show her my motorcycle and there was rachel behind the bar. the rest is history between us but last year this time when i was graduating- there was an empty seat next to me.. that was rachel's seat as she was to graduate at the same time...she didn't make it in person but she was there beside me in spirit for sure...
fast forward to now and i'm graduating on another level... i'm in the middle of growing pains.. forcing myself to solitary confinement emotionally so that i can reflect and figure out what it is that i want in life. I have to be honest that there are moments that i question why i'm not with F, after all- there was so much that worked... but i come back to rest on the realization that her place in my heart is very special and that will never change..i move on to others and again realize that this time isn't about choosing- it is about decision making and healing.. i've always been a glutton for love but the love i've been giving hasn't been all that i have to offer. So in this time i'm quiet and i'm alone and i'm feeling quite all right.. i have space to stretch my thoughts out, my emotions out and just linger a while longer in them. I have no where to be, no one to talk to, no one who needs me to be anything for them. I am free though the strings of attachment certainly reveal to be sensitive just the same. i am missing people. i am feeling weak at moments. and i am fully embracing it all...certainly rachel is sitting beside me again watching as i step into the next level of my journey...
