4.16.09
it’s someone’s birthday out there
it could be mine too
there’s a certain uncertainty that I live with
it knows no certain faces, no certain voices
it has only been me in this
me with my faces and voices
something’s got a hold of me
a sadness I can’t explain so that it makes sense to you
there aren’t words for these sorts of things
they are gutteral and they are heavier than letters
I’ve made sure I had reasons for just about everything around me-
Reasons why things happen,
Reasons for the way things end up
I’ve made excuses, some would say, for the things inflicted that I could not rationalize in my heart
I have carried things with me that I thought I had let go of..
The older I get, the louder it becomes
The constant knocking at the door of my conscience
“Come Look for me” is what I make of the noises that keep a steady dis- rhythm
the questions become more adamant about finding their answer counterparts
a slight brush of the emotion from my mind becomes a shove at times like this..
she asks what it is that has gotten me-
and I stumble for an explanation
Separation, isolation, death, idleness, sadness, ignoring, running, packing up, letting it down, grieving and letting go
almost like a ritual there are moments when I need to release this. When I’m not feeling so strong.. it comes to me and asks to be set free. Does this make sense? I am grieving for many- not just me… I am grieving for a lost mother, an absent father, a missing abuela and dreamt of abuelo. Though I do not know them I have been carrying a grief that belongs to them – that they carried for 9 mos. That they buried in me with every embrace. That they sent overseas to be with me where I am.. these things can not be ignored.. there is a history, an existence of something deep inside of me that I am forced to reconcile with. My pain comes from the not knowing… it reckons me for answers and I have none… not about them anyway… I am searching for my answers out there, storing them like nuts of wisdom…
someday I will make you understand.. your rugged experience of me is simply a match for the rugged experience I have had with this uncertainty… just as you struggle to make sense of me I struggle to make sense of the deeper existence that lives inside my bones…
