somewhere something has been stirred…
the thing I called loosely standing has become a sitting… I am down
and the upheaval has begun..
just a few words at the end of our session- in the last 15 minutes crashed down and into me- rattling my inflexibility loose, pushing every button I though I had severed the connection to.
She said I don’t let others care for me.. I don’t let them in.. I’m good at being open but not at being vulnerable. I think of our meetings called therapy as maintenance not deep sea fishing where we have to fish for that ever illusive pain-
that hurt that I know I carry,
that we all carry.
Poking and prodding doesn’t serve a purpose.
I’ve come to accept that there is and always will be a deep seeded pain that resides in my bones.
I wonder if this is a self defeating ideal.
I have come to live with it and function with it as a part of me.
It doesn’t control me..
or does it?
Isn’t that what living is?
Isn’t it itabout managing the pain?
I think I’ve done nicely for myself..
I’ve made connections time and time again..
they may come and go but they still live inside of me.
Surely I am not one of the few who live inside this existence...
