I recognized a few days ago that i've spend almost 34 years trying to fit inside an identity that never resonated with me.
yes- those letters do not belong to me.. this is something i've inherently known but it was proven to me by a kind stranger. It's one thing when your head tells you something and another when your body confirms what you knew. yes- those letters do not belong to me.. when asked why she changed my name from adriana to melissa, my mother's response was-"because i always wanted a michael and melissa..." hmm, the sad ignorance in that reply- the grave consequence that i recognize even more now brings my attention to the bigger issue at hand... but aside from the politics in which the residue still remains on my skin- the most simple concept of this is vulgar to me... at what point must i stop making excuses for the things done to me and every other colonized, stolen child. what two year old doesn't know her name and how would she react if all of the sudden her only connection to her origins where stripped, fluffed up and stamped with those letter which do not belong to her? it seems laughable how much it never fit me.. and even more so that someone thought it would.. all this time i thought it was me who was somehow not getting something so simple as who i am- but now recognize it was because all these years others have been calling for someone who is not me..yes- those letters to not belong to me and no i will not try to fit inside them anymore... what i will respond to is not even the letters my birth mother gave me but letters which i have given myself.. and no you cannot know those secret letters...they are mine. call me whatever you like- no one's gotten it right all these years anyhow...
6.1.09
