long conversation
we covered things for the most part-
we talked about all the places that women's spirits can haunt us.
the past is never very far when you're living inside a memory that won't let go.
loyalty finds crevasses in the tiniest of spots.
sometimes the best side to take is neither
and in that place you may have to argue the most to be heard.
sitting here now i can smell her shampoo on my skin
a long embrace leaves evidence every time and in the moment i'm happy for the reminder.
sitting here now i'm not sure who i'm more loyal too
my ideals or my whimsical imagination
she says sometimes you don't want to turn around to see which part of you is looking back.
in your quest to discover which part of you will prevail in love- i have one piece of advice for you-
follow your instincts-
shut out the big, fat world and all of it's judgements
and find yourself in the innermost moment of silence.
take it apart and put it back together.
you seem comfortable in where you are from the outside-
i can't answer for you where the discomfort comes from
or from whom.
i can only tell you the growing pains that you are in the middle of are good for you.
i could lose myself in this muse of you
and go looking for myself in all of your stories
but what it comes down to is this-
everyone has the choice to become the person who they'd like to be
and i think in the end you will end up being just who you are..
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Sunday, November 20, 2011
the condition of being received...
everything about that book felt lived in
the way it smelled
the way the pages were folded and bent
even her notes
with dates
and names
and scores of the one's who've lost
and the # of times she fooled herself into thinking she won.
it's all there
even the scars
and mistaken people she's been along the way.
she never claimed that she had anyone fooled
she'll tell you she was the only one who didn't see the reality
staring un-tongue tied back at her.
what was the message she got in those bottles?
what was she looking to find
or lose?
just as i come up for air
she's there and she's listening as i make sense of brothers lost.
she lets me break it down and she keeps me afloat
not in the way you'd think
but in the literal way
and in some emotional way as well.
she's helping me lessen the complications that linger around the sibling ties
that keep me in this struggling state
she gets that i'm digging in the dirt to make sense of the things that don't offer up answers willingly
she's got lessons and stories to share
and i like her because her life has been lived in
every last part of her has been broken
and is coming to the light every day that she goes searching for answers.
in her there is wisdom in the words
that spill around her
and as we go back and forth with a nervous excitement
and complete willingness to
share the once unbearable parts of ourselves-
there is redemption
and reconciliation just the same.
sometimes all it takes is a stranger's gentle caress
to break the walls down that have stood proud though mistakenly non- protective.
just between you and me
there is nothing to hide
though we've let our fists and words do the talking.
with her i want to give it all away-
every last secret
that i thought would hold me safely in some concealed oblivion.
i want to let it all go
free.
and as i stand up to leave i realize i was never as heavy as the false pretense
i am lighter
and easier to get
i like that
and feel like our shared words are lived in
because that is exactly what they are.
the two of us
are exactly lived in...
the way it smelled
the way the pages were folded and bent
even her notes
with dates
and names
and scores of the one's who've lost
and the # of times she fooled herself into thinking she won.
it's all there
even the scars
and mistaken people she's been along the way.
she never claimed that she had anyone fooled
she'll tell you she was the only one who didn't see the reality
staring un-tongue tied back at her.
what was the message she got in those bottles?
what was she looking to find
or lose?
just as i come up for air
she's there and she's listening as i make sense of brothers lost.
she lets me break it down and she keeps me afloat
not in the way you'd think
but in the literal way
and in some emotional way as well.
she's helping me lessen the complications that linger around the sibling ties
that keep me in this struggling state
she gets that i'm digging in the dirt to make sense of the things that don't offer up answers willingly
she's got lessons and stories to share
and i like her because her life has been lived in
every last part of her has been broken
and is coming to the light every day that she goes searching for answers.
in her there is wisdom in the words
that spill around her
and as we go back and forth with a nervous excitement
and complete willingness to
share the once unbearable parts of ourselves-
there is redemption
and reconciliation just the same.
sometimes all it takes is a stranger's gentle caress
to break the walls down that have stood proud though mistakenly non- protective.
just between you and me
there is nothing to hide
though we've let our fists and words do the talking.
with her i want to give it all away-
every last secret
that i thought would hold me safely in some concealed oblivion.
i want to let it all go
free.
and as i stand up to leave i realize i was never as heavy as the false pretense
i am lighter
and easier to get
i like that
and feel like our shared words are lived in
because that is exactly what they are.
the two of us
are exactly lived in...
Saturday, November 19, 2011
old news runs deep...
11.20.10
the only word that I didn’t think of..
a trip to the dr.
the same question every time
the same answer..
no.
i’m adopted.
more of me gone than when i walked in
Again.
distance
and a turned back to my lover
i sleep soundly
as I heal
Stitches.
i’ve somehow inherited
this
and it’s one of the few connections i have..
she said i was one of her favorite people
and how she (we have) has changed.
she said living with me was easy
but loving me was hard
‘you are a free spirit.’
they are similar i thought.
all the most important people.
i told her the similarity is how deeply they loved me
how they all saw more in me than i saw in myself.
that last part i didn’t say
but it’s what i’ve always thought and knew.
a roommate whose voice i don’t recognize.
i don’t know.
and i’ve lived here almost 3.5 years.
of all the things i’ve been thinking
it never occurred to me.
i may have made it through a lot
and may only share a little
i may smile most of the time
but the word (i didn’t think of) i’ve never used before to describe all of this and how i feel
is
Hurt…
My beginning has come up a lot lately
People talking about attachment
And betrayal
And how sometimes we do things that hurt others but it’s not about them it’s about (hurting ourselves just so we can feel an affliction at our own hands and not the hands of another/others)
figuring something in ourself out.
Sometimes my beginning comes up in terms of being a mother
or in how I understand my mother
If I ever could,
or how to sympathize with my birth mother or whatever the latest pc word is to describe the woman who I am from.
My family
and people close to me often put me under a microscope and try to understand
or justify why I am the way I am with them.
How I’m touchable (reachable)
but always just out of reach. (touch)
The truth that they want to know is simple
and I don’t know that they would really understand
but when you lose your mother
without a trace
without an explanation
the world becomes very small
it becomes a place where anything could happen
And if the worst thing can happen
then there is nothing to lose.
anything can be gambled on
because nothing will hurt as much to lose
as a mother.
A mother who gave herself to you for 9 months selflessly
then gave you up after 24 months and 14 days.
I have spent my life learning to feel less
does this make sense?
I wish it made sense to everyone around me the way it makes sense to me.
I have learned how to love but not how to completely let go
I have made amends to make it work
And it has for short periods of time.
I am not resolved to living my life partially but there are some rules
that have been inscribed in me that I don’t question.
Today I am love
And perhaps am in love
And that is all I need to know
Tomorrow I can only hope for the same
But you never really know.
My beginning has come up a lot lately
but you know,
I think I’ve made progress
And that’s all that really matters..
the only word that I didn’t think of..
a trip to the dr.
the same question every time
the same answer..
no.
i’m adopted.
more of me gone than when i walked in
Again.
distance
and a turned back to my lover
i sleep soundly
as I heal
Stitches.
i’ve somehow inherited
this
and it’s one of the few connections i have..
she said i was one of her favorite people
and how she (we have) has changed.
she said living with me was easy
but loving me was hard
‘you are a free spirit.’
they are similar i thought.
all the most important people.
i told her the similarity is how deeply they loved me
how they all saw more in me than i saw in myself.
that last part i didn’t say
but it’s what i’ve always thought and knew.
a roommate whose voice i don’t recognize.
i don’t know.
and i’ve lived here almost 3.5 years.
of all the things i’ve been thinking
it never occurred to me.
i may have made it through a lot
and may only share a little
i may smile most of the time
but the word (i didn’t think of) i’ve never used before to describe all of this and how i feel
is
Hurt…
My beginning has come up a lot lately
People talking about attachment
And betrayal
And how sometimes we do things that hurt others but it’s not about them it’s about (hurting ourselves just so we can feel an affliction at our own hands and not the hands of another/others)
figuring something in ourself out.
Sometimes my beginning comes up in terms of being a mother
or in how I understand my mother
If I ever could,
or how to sympathize with my birth mother or whatever the latest pc word is to describe the woman who I am from.
My family
and people close to me often put me under a microscope and try to understand
or justify why I am the way I am with them.
How I’m touchable (reachable)
but always just out of reach. (touch)
The truth that they want to know is simple
and I don’t know that they would really understand
but when you lose your mother
without a trace
without an explanation
the world becomes very small
it becomes a place where anything could happen
And if the worst thing can happen
then there is nothing to lose.
anything can be gambled on
because nothing will hurt as much to lose
as a mother.
A mother who gave herself to you for 9 months selflessly
then gave you up after 24 months and 14 days.
I have spent my life learning to feel less
does this make sense?
I wish it made sense to everyone around me the way it makes sense to me.
I have learned how to love but not how to completely let go
I have made amends to make it work
And it has for short periods of time.
I am not resolved to living my life partially but there are some rules
that have been inscribed in me that I don’t question.
Today I am love
And perhaps am in love
And that is all I need to know
Tomorrow I can only hope for the same
But you never really know.
My beginning has come up a lot lately
but you know,
I think I’ve made progress
And that’s all that really matters..
person you used to be...
she's lit
and she doesn't give a damn about what it's doing to me
she's high as a kite
and she's looking for an electric line to bring her down.
she's offered everything but she's got no more currency
to take any of it in.
she shines with intensity
and she's got no clue on how
to come down.
we walk in similar circles but nothing spirals faster than her mind
when she's crashed.
it's dark
and no one's home
she occupies that body only half of the time.
she's got an ongoing appointment with the devil every day at 4.
if you don't remind her
her body will
as soon as the shivers start coming on.
she'll tell you she's not addicted depending on the company that's listening.
if you are the friend she's not fond of -
she'll fight you like you're the monster that lives inside her mind
if you are tried and true
she will remind you that you don't know her
when the clock turns 10.
i woke up to a bad dream that i was fighting her to give a damn
but she was long gone
in her stupor
far gone and lying beside some strange man.
it was a mistake to fall in love with this shell of a woman
no one told me it would be easy
but she made it sound so simple
like it wasn't a battle of wills, only time
she didn't represent the monster
she never introduced the other that lived with her
in her and kept her hostage.
i was a fool to think i was any different
i was a fool to think i was good enough.
though i was right there along the road
years have passed and the decades have proved
no one
and nothing can be
or take the place of her vice.
it is you
and you are it.
as i let go
i see
she' lit
and as i slowly walk away
i recognize
she's forever out there on her own
out there all alone
walking wounded
unaware that i was ever there.
i can only hope she will someday know
that i am here like a forgotten scar-
i am buried in her
silent
but trying to serve as a reminder that she will inevitably heal...
and she doesn't give a damn about what it's doing to me
she's high as a kite
and she's looking for an electric line to bring her down.
she's offered everything but she's got no more currency
to take any of it in.
she shines with intensity
and she's got no clue on how
to come down.
we walk in similar circles but nothing spirals faster than her mind
when she's crashed.
it's dark
and no one's home
she occupies that body only half of the time.
she's got an ongoing appointment with the devil every day at 4.
if you don't remind her
her body will
as soon as the shivers start coming on.
she'll tell you she's not addicted depending on the company that's listening.
if you are the friend she's not fond of -
she'll fight you like you're the monster that lives inside her mind
if you are tried and true
she will remind you that you don't know her
when the clock turns 10.
i woke up to a bad dream that i was fighting her to give a damn
but she was long gone
in her stupor
far gone and lying beside some strange man.
it was a mistake to fall in love with this shell of a woman
no one told me it would be easy
but she made it sound so simple
like it wasn't a battle of wills, only time
she didn't represent the monster
she never introduced the other that lived with her
in her and kept her hostage.
i was a fool to think i was any different
i was a fool to think i was good enough.
though i was right there along the road
years have passed and the decades have proved
no one
and nothing can be
or take the place of her vice.
it is you
and you are it.
as i let go
i see
she' lit
and as i slowly walk away
i recognize
she's forever out there on her own
out there all alone
walking wounded
unaware that i was ever there.
i can only hope she will someday know
that i am here like a forgotten scar-
i am buried in her
silent
but trying to serve as a reminder that she will inevitably heal...
she tells me...
i start the title before the book is written
a chapter or two i have
but not much else
she says when i was a kid it was my way or the highway
she's the type to say 'turn me loose'
and i know exactly what she means when she says it
she says she's figuring it out just like the rest of us
only she's got something deeper that needs resolution.
who to love
who to leave
who to be.
she's open like a book
and i like her that way
i'm open like a book
and she likes me that way.
our hours together comprise of truths that were buried deep
and only recently excavated
we share like we've known each other-
like we've trusted each other-
or anyone for that matter
for a while longer than it's been.
she wants to be addictive
and secure
and someone to just get her
i get her.
without brushing our hands on each other's face
we weaken the resistance
the way it takes lovers years to do
we don't ask questions about anything but what is
and shower each other with sympathies reserved for family
or the family we deserved to have.
we comprehend the broken
and severed
and we recognize that we survived
the hardest part
without recognition
or credit.
sometimes these things go unnoticed
but when you meet someone along the way
who just knows
they
just
know..
in her
there is a part that still wants to give
a part that isn't jaded by early disappearances
and missed occasions
there is a part of her that found the right people along the way
to show her
that the typical
is anything but
there are few loves around
like her
there is no other glove that could fit her as well.
solitary sister
there is still a part of you that wants to live
solitary sister
there is still a part of you that wants to give.
she tells me
she's a survivor for better or worse
and though it never makes no sense
the fire burns despite the water trying to drown her spirit
well i'm holdin' on
and she's holdin' on
and i've got a lighter up to keep her warm
i've got heat
to give
and she's got room to take it in.
she tells me things like she's known me
all this time
and i tell her i've got an ease like
this is the second time around for us in some way
i like that the understanding is there
and that the boundaries are unnecessary
because it seems like there's nothing too far to cross
or too close to miss.
i'll meet her half way any time
i'll meet her anywhere she wants to go.
because she's got something for me
and she tells me i've got something for her
despite me not knowing exactly what that is...
a chapter or two i have
but not much else
she says when i was a kid it was my way or the highway
she's the type to say 'turn me loose'
and i know exactly what she means when she says it
she says she's figuring it out just like the rest of us
only she's got something deeper that needs resolution.
who to love
who to leave
who to be.
she's open like a book
and i like her that way
i'm open like a book
and she likes me that way.
our hours together comprise of truths that were buried deep
and only recently excavated
we share like we've known each other-
like we've trusted each other-
or anyone for that matter
for a while longer than it's been.
she wants to be addictive
and secure
and someone to just get her
i get her.
without brushing our hands on each other's face
we weaken the resistance
the way it takes lovers years to do
we don't ask questions about anything but what is
and shower each other with sympathies reserved for family
or the family we deserved to have.
we comprehend the broken
and severed
and we recognize that we survived
the hardest part
without recognition
or credit.
sometimes these things go unnoticed
but when you meet someone along the way
who just knows
they
just
know..
in her
there is a part that still wants to give
a part that isn't jaded by early disappearances
and missed occasions
there is a part of her that found the right people along the way
to show her
that the typical
is anything but
there are few loves around
like her
there is no other glove that could fit her as well.
solitary sister
there is still a part of you that wants to live
solitary sister
there is still a part of you that wants to give.
she tells me
she's a survivor for better or worse
and though it never makes no sense
the fire burns despite the water trying to drown her spirit
well i'm holdin' on
and she's holdin' on
and i've got a lighter up to keep her warm
i've got heat
to give
and she's got room to take it in.
she tells me things like she's known me
all this time
and i tell her i've got an ease like
this is the second time around for us in some way
i like that the understanding is there
and that the boundaries are unnecessary
because it seems like there's nothing too far to cross
or too close to miss.
i'll meet her half way any time
i'll meet her anywhere she wants to go.
because she's got something for me
and she tells me i've got something for her
despite me not knowing exactly what that is...
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
best around and abound...
we are twisted and we are tight
we roll and we laugh
and make light of our dark situations
this is how it rolls
in the life of us
we just know
how to blow smoke into the places that have no air
we just know when to breathe
and when to hold our breath.
we remember and then forget
that each other remembers even the worst
but we don't hold it against one another-
we just prop
and we just drop
those things to find the answers and questions to help us grow.
despite feeling the cold places
we embrace
each others places of fear
and we hold them up for reflection
the way they ought to be.
curious we look
deeper
and make sense of the insensible
and we again laugh at the absurdity of our egos
and how they make an ass of us on even the brightest of days.
illuminate
everything and everyone
we are resound to making the best of it all.
best friend
who gets even the invisible in my thoughts expressed
you are the one
the one to be here
when everyone else is busy
distracted
by it all
i get the underside
and you get the upside
and we explain the mess
of the in between
of what was said
to the side
and front of us.
my soul's twin
there is no explanation to this
it just is.
and the world finds us within it's reach
and we find each other within reach
at the right moment
again and again.
love never lover
let's keep the heavy weight on our shoulders for one another
like we do
no questions asked
no answers left unsaid..
like we do...
we roll and we laugh
and make light of our dark situations
this is how it rolls
in the life of us
we just know
how to blow smoke into the places that have no air
we just know when to breathe
and when to hold our breath.
we remember and then forget
that each other remembers even the worst
but we don't hold it against one another-
we just prop
and we just drop
those things to find the answers and questions to help us grow.
despite feeling the cold places
we embrace
each others places of fear
and we hold them up for reflection
the way they ought to be.
curious we look
deeper
and make sense of the insensible
and we again laugh at the absurdity of our egos
and how they make an ass of us on even the brightest of days.
illuminate
everything and everyone
we are resound to making the best of it all.
best friend
who gets even the invisible in my thoughts expressed
you are the one
the one to be here
when everyone else is busy
distracted
by it all
i get the underside
and you get the upside
and we explain the mess
of the in between
of what was said
to the side
and front of us.
my soul's twin
there is no explanation to this
it just is.
and the world finds us within it's reach
and we find each other within reach
at the right moment
again and again.
love never lover
let's keep the heavy weight on our shoulders for one another
like we do
no questions asked
no answers left unsaid..
like we do...
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