you bring an ease that is good to
remember
must we define it if it feels good?
Monday, October 26, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
lingering at the bile level...
i ask if she can stay a while
and she whispers that it is her time to go
seems like it's always time to move on
and into a new direction
i've painted a picture that doesn't quite fit the interpretation
except i can't remember what it's like to escape from this
this moving from things
lessons we were never taught
includes staying
nobody stays anymore
so we are never really sure what to do when someone
looks like they are making a home beside us
she told me she loved me today
in letters written upside down
while i was reading an article about porn
she tapped my foot beneath the table to draw my attention
from the train wreck of an existence before my moving eyes
she hummed some child's sonnet while she sat and waited
the juxtaposition couldn't have been any more disturbing
i smiled when i read the words
and wrote "i know"
upside down and crooked
i didn't repeat it back
and she sunk a little lower in her plastic chair
seems sorta silly that i would have withheld those words
given the loss i am facing now with suddenly losing an uncle
but i don't want to give her any sort of false hope about our future
i'm still figuring that one out
i remember the time when i couldn't wait to let those syllables roll off my tongue.
perhaps i'm the one most practiced at not staying
anyone could tell that we were destined to be more then the confines of girlfriends
we are family
and sometimes that is more
and less..
whichever way this rolls out
i am reminded that people leave all the time
sometimes suddenly
and sometimes so slowly that you mistake their movement as coming towards you instead of moving away
these are the lessons i am noticing
i have not mastered them in the least
yet i try
and i gargle these sorts of things day in and day out in the back of my throat
i practice taking notice
and getting out of my head enough to see them clearly
i am learning to decipher what to swallow and what to spit out
today i swallowed and my stomach rumbled in appreciation..
this is one of the pleasures of life that i found while awake..
and she whispers that it is her time to go
seems like it's always time to move on
and into a new direction
i've painted a picture that doesn't quite fit the interpretation
except i can't remember what it's like to escape from this
this moving from things
lessons we were never taught
includes staying
nobody stays anymore
so we are never really sure what to do when someone
looks like they are making a home beside us
she told me she loved me today
in letters written upside down
while i was reading an article about porn
she tapped my foot beneath the table to draw my attention
from the train wreck of an existence before my moving eyes
she hummed some child's sonnet while she sat and waited
the juxtaposition couldn't have been any more disturbing
i smiled when i read the words
and wrote "i know"
upside down and crooked
i didn't repeat it back
and she sunk a little lower in her plastic chair
seems sorta silly that i would have withheld those words
given the loss i am facing now with suddenly losing an uncle
but i don't want to give her any sort of false hope about our future
i'm still figuring that one out
i remember the time when i couldn't wait to let those syllables roll off my tongue.
perhaps i'm the one most practiced at not staying
anyone could tell that we were destined to be more then the confines of girlfriends
we are family
and sometimes that is more
and less..
whichever way this rolls out
i am reminded that people leave all the time
sometimes suddenly
and sometimes so slowly that you mistake their movement as coming towards you instead of moving away
these are the lessons i am noticing
i have not mastered them in the least
yet i try
and i gargle these sorts of things day in and day out in the back of my throat
i practice taking notice
and getting out of my head enough to see them clearly
i am learning to decipher what to swallow and what to spit out
today i swallowed and my stomach rumbled in appreciation..
this is one of the pleasures of life that i found while awake..
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Jerry...
10.21.09
I don’t know if I have much to write about
She told me
That you got to feel it to heal it
So new to me she is
But this isn’t about her
Or her unshakeable resilience
That I hope to mirror myself
I need to breathe for a moment
Without eyes of strangers running over my every letter-
My every emotion.
There is no poetry in death
There is emptiness
Silence
And empty spaces that he once occupied
He was more strange
Than a stranger
He was the unsinkable Tangye
The one who let it all get away
He took some hard knocks and held it against himself
The same way he held that bottle
A father never wants to bury his children first
The same way he doesn’t his children worry when his time comes
Still I am here to grieve
In some way
These things never get easier even as they happen more and more often
They serve as reminders
That we are fragile
so fragile
Despite the regularity of the occurrence.
I come a bit unfocused
And frankly off guard
But sometimes death doesn’t send out invitations or notices
It arrives and summons our attention then moves on its way
Not noticing any sort of emotional wake it has left behind
I’ve got some things to think about
And reconcile
The missed opportunity to say goodbye is where I will start
The end is never very far
Or so I’m told
But I’ll take my chances
And hope my days are above being numbered…
I don’t know if I have much to write about
She told me
That you got to feel it to heal it
So new to me she is
But this isn’t about her
Or her unshakeable resilience
That I hope to mirror myself
I need to breathe for a moment
Without eyes of strangers running over my every letter-
My every emotion.
There is no poetry in death
There is emptiness
Silence
And empty spaces that he once occupied
He was more strange
Than a stranger
He was the unsinkable Tangye
The one who let it all get away
He took some hard knocks and held it against himself
The same way he held that bottle
A father never wants to bury his children first
The same way he doesn’t his children worry when his time comes
Still I am here to grieve
In some way
These things never get easier even as they happen more and more often
They serve as reminders
That we are fragile
so fragile
Despite the regularity of the occurrence.
I come a bit unfocused
And frankly off guard
But sometimes death doesn’t send out invitations or notices
It arrives and summons our attention then moves on its way
Not noticing any sort of emotional wake it has left behind
I’ve got some things to think about
And reconcile
The missed opportunity to say goodbye is where I will start
The end is never very far
Or so I’m told
But I’ll take my chances
And hope my days are above being numbered…
endings...
blank...
my head is blank....
what i have heard has not settled just yet
the news
of your death just reached me
from a thousand miles away
a call from dad
telling me that you were gone..
low voices
resemble a trembling
of anger
or sadness
i am blank
i turn on the music that she gave me
it makes this make a little more sense
though it doesn't emotionally
the words;
my heart is like a jigsaw puzzle
pick it up can you fix it for me
can you figure it out..
i want to smoke
breathe deep in something unforgiving
to remind me
that i am temporary too...
my head is blank....
what i have heard has not settled just yet
the news
of your death just reached me
from a thousand miles away
a call from dad
telling me that you were gone..
low voices
resemble a trembling
of anger
or sadness
i am blank
i turn on the music that she gave me
it makes this make a little more sense
though it doesn't emotionally
the words;
my heart is like a jigsaw puzzle
pick it up can you fix it for me
can you figure it out..
i want to smoke
breathe deep in something unforgiving
to remind me
that i am temporary too...
litany of movement..
sex
wrapped up in a bottle
tied up in a knot
laid up in a hotel room
with nowhere to go
tossing
turning
charting new territory
with a name
new to my lips
arch, bend and break
close but not close enough
i got things on my mind
remember this
remember this
conversant
a little
taste
more and more
thin walls
remind me
of my lack of boundaries
in room 400
the way i like it to be
heavy then light
furious
then
soft
wet
then
wetter
sex
printed on a ticket
posted on a card
placed beneath a door
out of sight
walk out to daylight
lighter
more awake
more alive
together..
boundless anticipation
to return
again
and again
and again once more
a litany of movement in my body
moved to my mind
between my legs
and all over you
signed
arms crossed
hands running down the length of your body..
remember this...
wrapped up in a bottle
tied up in a knot
laid up in a hotel room
with nowhere to go
tossing
turning
charting new territory
with a name
new to my lips
arch, bend and break
close but not close enough
i got things on my mind
remember this
remember this
conversant
a little
taste
more and more
thin walls
remind me
of my lack of boundaries
in room 400
the way i like it to be
heavy then light
furious
then
soft
wet
then
wetter
sex
printed on a ticket
posted on a card
placed beneath a door
out of sight
walk out to daylight
lighter
more awake
more alive
together..
boundless anticipation
to return
again
and again
and again once more
a litany of movement in my body
moved to my mind
between my legs
and all over you
signed
arms crossed
hands running down the length of your body..
remember this...
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
To the one who found, climbed in and made a comfortable home in my mind...
i am ready to take you in
a little bit at a time
i'm vulnerable in this
because i'm open to finding out more about you
who you are
i remember that i wouldn't want to be measured against myself
and i try to apply this
while taking your world into mine
what i have of you is becoming sweeter by the day
i've had your passion
and i've had your vulnerability in my hands and mouth
it takes little time to know that i want more of you
but these things, done the right way take time
and i'm not about rushing anything that takes time
trying to make it something it is not ready to offer just yet
you've given me a new sort of inspiration
to be wide open
to take it all in
and be ready for anything
i'm less than competent at putting this feeling into letters
that are as beautiful as you next to me
in time i say
in time i will find the words that do justice
to this seed that has been lightly planted
in me
until then
i will blabber at the newness of you
and love each and every moment of our bodies in negotiation...
a little bit at a time
i'm vulnerable in this
because i'm open to finding out more about you
who you are
i remember that i wouldn't want to be measured against myself
and i try to apply this
while taking your world into mine
what i have of you is becoming sweeter by the day
i've had your passion
and i've had your vulnerability in my hands and mouth
it takes little time to know that i want more of you
but these things, done the right way take time
and i'm not about rushing anything that takes time
trying to make it something it is not ready to offer just yet
you've given me a new sort of inspiration
to be wide open
to take it all in
and be ready for anything
i'm less than competent at putting this feeling into letters
that are as beautiful as you next to me
in time i say
in time i will find the words that do justice
to this seed that has been lightly planted
in me
until then
i will blabber at the newness of you
and love each and every moment of our bodies in negotiation...
presumptive lineage...
i've made myself too available somehow
somehow it appears that i'm living with some sort of truth that has become me
i've played the part of the giver
and i've played the part of being the taker
taken a hundred steps towards my intention
only to find it has become lost in my compass
i fall
and i rise
again and again
i've come to rest on the belief that each day
each person
is a new chance
a new possibility
i breathe in and i breathe out
and take in a new life
of my own
i shed the wings
that carried me here
i bury them
and begin building new ones
stronger
bigger
to take me to my next perch
i cannot let it be known that i carry them all with me
each and every one of them.
this is what you do for love
this is what you do to love
she sleeps in my head
her face resting above my bed
she loosely caresses my dreams
bringing me clarity
purging the questions
the color of the photo
slowly fades away
i take her in until my eyes burn
then i close them
and remember
and forget
her smell
her voice
her eyes
her mouth..
a letter to no one
and everyone the same
a letter to myself
reminding me of this brilliance that is at the tip of my tongue
the tongue that was forced into my mouth
i have taken it and made it my own
there is no muse here
there is no further intention
only words
only glimpses
into a moment
a feeling
a temptation
a regret
they all find me
scattered
and i build a puzzle from the pieces i recognize
and turn it into a symbolic image that i don't...
somehow it appears that i'm living with some sort of truth that has become me
i've played the part of the giver
and i've played the part of being the taker
taken a hundred steps towards my intention
only to find it has become lost in my compass
i fall
and i rise
again and again
i've come to rest on the belief that each day
each person
is a new chance
a new possibility
i breathe in and i breathe out
and take in a new life
of my own
i shed the wings
that carried me here
i bury them
and begin building new ones
stronger
bigger
to take me to my next perch
i cannot let it be known that i carry them all with me
each and every one of them.
this is what you do for love
this is what you do to love
she sleeps in my head
her face resting above my bed
she loosely caresses my dreams
bringing me clarity
purging the questions
the color of the photo
slowly fades away
i take her in until my eyes burn
then i close them
and remember
and forget
her smell
her voice
her eyes
her mouth..
a letter to no one
and everyone the same
a letter to myself
reminding me of this brilliance that is at the tip of my tongue
the tongue that was forced into my mouth
i have taken it and made it my own
there is no muse here
there is no further intention
only words
only glimpses
into a moment
a feeling
a temptation
a regret
they all find me
scattered
and i build a puzzle from the pieces i recognize
and turn it into a symbolic image that i don't...
chuckanut drive...
it's symbiotic
it's surface
then deep
it's elusive
until it's not..
he speaks lightly
he covers topics, breezing gracefully over what his existence has become
years removed from the purpose he grew up believing in
he eats his shake
and drinks his words
i sit across from him
in my usual form
there but not there
reminding myself to be there more
a new person next to me
she reminds me that he is plenty good reason to slow my world down for a bit
i agree after i struggle with wandering thoughts
as he tells his story that he's told me before
before it got to this
then he sets his granddaughter straight
and throws that curve ball that shoots right through this little heart of mine
i felt like a little girl looking up at him sitting there
telling me that time will take him away
and he's ready for it..
these feelings are knocking me sideways
i see the blue in his eyes and i know it's been fading since the day she died
how can i blame him
how can i be angry
what place is it of mine to minimize his loneliness
only so i can keep mine at bay..
something shifted inside of me
right there
as he began talking about the leaves on the lawn that he raked up
after he told me he's got everything taken care of so it's no hassle on our grief
cremated..
leaves..
but what about me
i haven't heard all his stories yet
i haven't decided it's time to let this story end
the one where the page turns to a new chapter in my evolving life
there are some things that i don't want to change..
i'm not ready for this sort of thing i think
as i rub my temple and face trying to hold back the tears
i'm not holding them back now
i'm
preparing..
accepting..
one little strand at a time
but i don't want to
i really don't want to do this
again...
it's surface
then deep
it's elusive
until it's not..
he speaks lightly
he covers topics, breezing gracefully over what his existence has become
years removed from the purpose he grew up believing in
he eats his shake
and drinks his words
i sit across from him
in my usual form
there but not there
reminding myself to be there more
a new person next to me
she reminds me that he is plenty good reason to slow my world down for a bit
i agree after i struggle with wandering thoughts
as he tells his story that he's told me before
before it got to this
then he sets his granddaughter straight
and throws that curve ball that shoots right through this little heart of mine
i felt like a little girl looking up at him sitting there
telling me that time will take him away
and he's ready for it..
these feelings are knocking me sideways
i see the blue in his eyes and i know it's been fading since the day she died
how can i blame him
how can i be angry
what place is it of mine to minimize his loneliness
only so i can keep mine at bay..
something shifted inside of me
right there
as he began talking about the leaves on the lawn that he raked up
after he told me he's got everything taken care of so it's no hassle on our grief
cremated..
leaves..
but what about me
i haven't heard all his stories yet
i haven't decided it's time to let this story end
the one where the page turns to a new chapter in my evolving life
there are some things that i don't want to change..
i'm not ready for this sort of thing i think
as i rub my temple and face trying to hold back the tears
i'm not holding them back now
i'm
preparing..
accepting..
one little strand at a time
but i don't want to
i really don't want to do this
again...
Monday, October 19, 2009
King size...
9.19.09
time spent together
un-interrupted
and now
severed.
your day
today
32 years
you have walked, witnessed and been moved by your world
sometimes gentile
sometimes harmful
I am new to your experience
And you to mine
We moved through a period of 30 hours at a mock 10 speed
You were a stranger upon entering
You were a lover and confidant upon the days end
Sitting here
after
thinking
about what has happened
I am left in that familiar space that seems half full and half empty
The cross space where the heart strings and mind meet
One speaks louder than the other
Both equally legit
I wonder about you
I want to know more about those big spaces
You keep off limits to those around you
I want you around
And I hope you are ok with that
I feel like we’ve passed the same hurricane waters before
And wonder if we washed up to this place at about the same time for a reason
Quite a day to be reborn…
time spent together
un-interrupted
and now
severed.
your day
today
32 years
you have walked, witnessed and been moved by your world
sometimes gentile
sometimes harmful
I am new to your experience
And you to mine
We moved through a period of 30 hours at a mock 10 speed
You were a stranger upon entering
You were a lover and confidant upon the days end
Sitting here
after
thinking
about what has happened
I am left in that familiar space that seems half full and half empty
The cross space where the heart strings and mind meet
One speaks louder than the other
Both equally legit
I wonder about you
I want to know more about those big spaces
You keep off limits to those around you
I want you around
And I hope you are ok with that
I feel like we’ve passed the same hurricane waters before
And wonder if we washed up to this place at about the same time for a reason
Quite a day to be reborn…
Friday, October 9, 2009
Desmo chica...
9.10.09
something moving through me slow and persistent
an awareness that reawakens me time and time again..
you.
you this ever illusive girl.
you show up every once in a while and you pass through with seeming disinterest
and that suites me fine
but then you return in my head
pleading in some way i vaguely comprehend
for me to notice you again..
i'm stuck here in the middle of what is real and what is not so clear
and i wonder if i should move forward
to what i have no clue.
Perhaps you come to serve as yet another muse to stir me up
stir me out of stagnation and creativity.
I will gladly accept you as such since the chance of getting to know you seems pretty unlikely
but still
i will move around this like i do
and wait for something to push me further into you...
something moving through me slow and persistent
an awareness that reawakens me time and time again..
you.
you this ever illusive girl.
you show up every once in a while and you pass through with seeming disinterest
and that suites me fine
but then you return in my head
pleading in some way i vaguely comprehend
for me to notice you again..
i'm stuck here in the middle of what is real and what is not so clear
and i wonder if i should move forward
to what i have no clue.
Perhaps you come to serve as yet another muse to stir me up
stir me out of stagnation and creativity.
I will gladly accept you as such since the chance of getting to know you seems pretty unlikely
but still
i will move around this like i do
and wait for something to push me further into you...
Friday, October 2, 2009
think of that.
the ego is a delicate thing.. it's good to exercise not being perfect or perhaps being acutely imperfect... it forces the ego to wake up, walk away and laugh at itself... i am laughing hard right now...
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