its my 8 yr anniversary of giving a big part of myself away to him
and I’m here now feeling like I’ve given too much of myself again-
parts that are more critical than a kidney- I have only one heart.
I spent the day reading one bad headline after another-having one distracted, disconnected conversation after another-
Watching my limp dog sleep the day away- in pain from the needles poking her yestereday that were somehow supposed to protect her from those illusive dog things.
Her solemn demeanor is a reflection of my running to and from this last week-
she is as tired as I should be-
from the volcanic eruption of emotion which has left me volatile and burning hot
I am hating this situation I’ve submerged myself into
It’s been 9 days of your name on my lips and the abrupt silence from you is so loud it’s all I can hear-
I spent 5 out of 7 days with you then nothing for 2 days
The silence is spent with you and him and your year and a half pre-existence before I sauntered into the room of your mind
I got too close-
I got too connected in those moments spent with you
I did exactly what I said I wouldn’t do.
Am I an ass for not knowing better?
No.
I am merely misunderstanding the scope in which you would enthrall me- entice me- wake me.
I’m wishing thoughts away
I’m erasing words just to get a better grip on this.
There is a derailment occurring here and everyone is a potential casualty of my love.
Girl number 1- sweet and somewhat available
Boy number 1- just the same- waiting for a sign from me and only getting something scattered and obscure
And you- Girl with no number who is the new one to me who’s got me tangled in a fury of need and desire
I cannot slip
I cannot do anything but wait-
A friend said I’ve got nothing to worry about- I’m the new woman on the side
The boyfriend is the one who has got to live with the new woman on the side of his lover
whose presumably been his and his only over the last year and a half.
I’m sitting pretty she thinks- and I have to remind myself of this
I just need the clarification I purposely wanted to avoid knowing about-
waiting in the back streets of this little heaven we’ve created makes me want to know more of what’s happening in your head so I can align myself with the right guards-
so I can keep myself in check.
But it doesn’t help that my little heart wants to fall in love-
With something beautiful
And the tragic potential here so suits me
But will I kill myself for your recognition
Will I step into the dubious waters that very well may leave me high and dry?
Time will tell
Because time always has a way of opening it’s big mouth and revealing the beautiful and sometimes ugly truth-
But I’m willing to see this go as far as it will-
Until another place calls you home…
