turning to her
wishing there was more to say
but i'm listening to this story about air rage and how they were looking for "tangye"
and she was telling them, "i am tangye!!! i am who you are looking for!!!"
somewhere in between the dramatic words i fell into some abyss where i just saw her lips moving but nothing was coming out that i could hear
i thought of what i would see when she was no longer who is she is right now-
would i notice the way her fingernails grow?
would i notice the new lines that are stretching across her face
telling me a story of a woman in battle?
who's been searching for the enemy in every face she encounters-
including mine.
what would i say to her if i knew she would hear but couldn't respond?
what will her mouth look like when she is just a body?
will the undertaker make her look the way i've seen her or the way that he saw her through an old picture from an old album?
how do i tell her across the lines of sanity that she's starting to cross more everyday
that i love her?
how have i managed for twenty-eight years to grow further from her rather than closer to her?
yet piece by piece i've tried to put her back together-
make some sense of a story that had a jump start but ended up somewhere in the gray by the time i got to it-
thinking of what she has become since i've known her-
gray facets of a life
white lines of a woman so lost.
who comes looking for the mothers that daughters have lost?
who comes searching for the daughters who become those mothers?
how could such a large number of voices go unheard?
i sit thinking why i know this woman
how could this possibly be the same person who raised me?
she didn't fail me
it started when someone failed her
a long list of women who went unheard but not untouched-
how do we continue to do this?
she came to me one night after hours of drinking and in the darkness told me
she felt like she was losing her grasp-
who was she to anyone?
her kids have grown up and a son who is now a father doesn't need a mother as much as a wife
and a daughter who loves women is replacing her with every new name
and a younger son who she knows she was too tired for
calls her not to speak as much as to preach about the ways he was done wrong and everyone is to blame for his actions and inactions.
she said she used to be the one we came to for the information about the world
but now
what has become of the world?
well,
she thinks that should be left up to my generation because we will be living with the repercussions the longest-
she says she feels a little useless having to depend on us for the information in a world we are all living in-
she thinks family reunions are a time to drink herself into oblivion-
sadly the most honesty and truth i've gotten from her has been in the those in-between moments of dizzy clarity
and sadly that is what i hate the most-
that liquid on her breath
but it is the only way she can make us kids again-
that's the only time when she doesn't feel like her place is disposable-
a lesson that so many mother's learned from being wives who were replaced two and three times over.
a mystery she will forever be to me-
this woman
and books tell me i am searching for her in every woman i love-
that
i don't fully comprehend-
it's meaning eludes me-
but for having someone around for twenty eight years- i don't know shit about her
yet she silently haunts me day in and day out-
the very existence of her makes me question whether i could put any child through it for me-
all the questions
all the careless words
al the anger and confusion.
time is running out and her breath is getting more shallow, her mind more chaotic-
i see her slipping yet i don't take the first step to break her fall this time
i just hope that she looks the same to me when she is just a body
a woman with a dream that she couldn't set free-
she's not angry with me
for looking past her for so long
it wasn't intentional id' tell her-
if only i could.
it was because i was afraid to learn that was in fact she was only human
so much less than what she was in my childhood eyes.
Dear Mama
i'm sorry i was no better than the out of touch husband or careless mother or ignorant neighbor-
i tried
but no one told me how to be more of your daughter
don't forget there was a whole other life that was waiting to live inside me-
one that was abandoned before you found me.
in a sense mama, we are both just spirits in this material world...
1.8.03
