beads of words, necklace of letters...

j, kiss, embrace, words, darkness, anticipation, fear, want, confusion, sadness, k, anger, denial, again and again, smoke, distraction, d can make me feel good right now, distance, last night, good, bad, hard, women, drinks, dancing, numbers exchanged, past coming up, sore spots exposed,best friends, friendship, loyalty, not falling in love, promises to myself, or just false sense of comfort, longing, movie, anguish, untruth, lies, sin of omission, pills, lost dreams, mrs.dollaway.. telling her i wanted to hold her hand- her saying we should hold hands more, me smiling inside, me thinking it's more of an issue for me than it is for other people, feeling better, thinking about what it would be like to kiss her, the fear of actually doing it, knowing she has limited contact, hard to get to, i'm hard to reach, mom calling me sobbing, telling me how lonely she is- my emotions freezing up, that was the last night i felt emotions running through me, it's been a week, how many chances will i get, what is my hang up with taking chances, important chances, how do i identify important chances, being hard on myself, feeling scattered, fingers cut and bleeding, drumming, drinking, smoking, staying up late, maybe that's it, what's got me down,snow- real snow for the first time in a while, a walk in the park, hating the way i feel, helpless to my desires, wanting yet not asking, why, why, why-looking for a sign to move forward, waiting for a resolution to push me through again, knowing it will come, the right thing will come...