perhaps my views of her are outdated…
what a fucking concept.
My issues with the mother figure in my life are expansive.
Always withholding
Never fully present
Too much scar tissue to get through
It’s a burden I carry
And one she has faced for 36 years. I don’t know how to fix it
Or me or
Even her.
I am acting out of memory
I am acting out of self-preservation
I am acting out from a place of fear.
I have never been able to describe how deep the fissure runs
Or how wide the gaping void is
I have simply been largely unreachable-
a poker face donned with little makeup.
My memory doesn’t serve me well in causation
I couldn’t give you a lot of specifics
But my skin and my mind remembers all too well
Why it is that I protect my only diamond shaped heart so fervently.
But again the question begs to be asked
Are my views outdated?
This shell of a woman who’s mentally unfit
Physically sick in so many ways
possess’ the very things I’ve always wanted-
Unconditional love
Gentility
Acceptance
Truth.
Yet she has blasted and choked me with the time and tides of her cycle
Angry and then soft.
I am merely protecting myself.
I have learned the lesson so many times.
Like the big bad wolf she has played to my vulnerabilities only to lash out
And use me like a pawn.
I do not know how to un date that.
Explain that to every fiber of me
Who has to remind myself every day that I am not the full grown woman that she once was to me
I am so much stronger and resilient than she ever was-
I have nothing to lose
Only that’s where I lie to myself.
I do have so much to lose
I am afraid that I will never have the motherly things that could complete me
From her or anyone else.
Her 26 years of threats and attempts to abandon me, and her children
Have finally turned me to the emotional stone that you would expect.
Love surely resides
But it comes in fits and starts.
That seamless river has been damned and severed
And as much as I’d like to say I’m untouched and unscarred
I am not.
The result in me is a knotty fleshed muscle so capable of strengths
But afraid to fully unfurl…
