a million
that's how many times i've asked myself the same question.
how much?
how much can i interrupt her in this journey?
how much should i intervene?
change the outcome?
manipulate her into caring?
or at least thinking she's worth it?
i struggle on most days
which i suppose means i've gotten better at taking care of me and taking on less of her emotionally.
you see i gave up years-
carried a guilt that was never mine to carry
thinking i wasn't working hard enough, trying with all that i have
to make her happy.
sometime ago i let it all go
and stepped aside to hand off the baggage that i was carrying
that belonged solely to her.
i've been happy and more light in my own journey as a result.
i've been reading more about the soul's immortality and how we each must learn lessons and work through our earthly vices in order to fully move on.
if we don't or aren't able to we carry those burdens into our next life.
on some level i think to myself that she is merely not learning her lesson
and in this life she is suffering
she may or may not mean to cause others suffering but when you love
you're inevitably, unequivocally affected.
i think i am not her nor capable of showing her the lesson that she fails to see-
though in my naivete i thought could fix her.
how wrong i was.
and how depressed i was.
to learn that love cannot heal the sort of void she carries.
i could give a thousand explanations for why i think nothing can help her at this point
because she has long but given up
but my reasons are from my truth which may not be hers.
to say that i struggle many days of this life, as her daughter born from another womb,
is to say that she understands who and where she is as opposed to what she is-
the answers are opposite, i know
just as the recognitions and seeming awareness in each of us.
today as the solar storms plummet unseen distances with a force unknown
and the moon shines in her delicate and fierce beauty
i hurt a little
with the familiar thought
that i've asked the same question a million times
and still can't come to a resolution...
