the dismantled tribe...

i remember it to be much brighter
and i sit here trying to imagine this
and
i try to explain how the emotions don't quite fit the moment
i recognize that i won't be able to escape this for a while

i look up and recall
that looking down it must appear to be much different.

could you stay for a while

could you be me for a while

would you feel this for a while

the tenses won't make this any easier to decipher

i'm telling you it won't make it any better

the silence of the darkness has been punctured yet again

what do they think of us

the coast was clear the day we got here

we offered our fry bread
we made an offering to the world of strangers
in peace
thinking it would make sense if we did things right

the first time around

now it's just a big mess on our little reservation
that was never as much reserved as it was reversed

the peace pipes have been replaced by the bottle of the white man's demons that have now become our own

the chanting has been replaced by hollering and screaming

and fighting the authorities that are just another reminder of the oppression

i have lost my way

and no number of indians in my house is going to bring home back to me

we live beside you neighbor

a dismantled tribe

we shatter your sleep
and disrupt your dreams of materialistic wealth

we bring the lights to your bedroom walls

we bring the loud humming of fire engines
and ambulances

not because we have been assaulted by your decency or your fires

no

we have become unrecognizable to our children who swear in the alleys

and litter the ears of the children with curses and threats

i offered the children a gift of movement

and i haven't seen them since

i have spoken in their circle and square patched rented space
and asked for entrance to wander through the yard

i wandered back and didn't feel the presence of the hands of saints or animal spirits

i am broken too i whisper through the screened window as they holler below in the night and wake me from my dizzying dream of a motherless world

i shut the blind
and remember this isn't what i imagined it would be
i was handed the freedom that was inherently theirs

my skin bleeds the same hues but in my history we fought different wars

us

this dismantled tribe

we cannot be complete
when you are not

we cannot get there quicker
with the bending that has caused you to break

i could almost like you
if i could make sense of this hopelessness

who's going to come find you

i remember it to be much brighter
and i sit here trying to imagine this
and
i try to explain how the emotions don't quite fit the moment
i recognize that i won't be able to escape this for a while

like mabye for another 400 years...

she tells me...

sitting across from her
watching the way the candle light attaches to her
as she speaks

i feel myself falling
and hear myself convincing myself
of things otherwise

i speak to the degrees of control
and how i've got some matters of the heart figured out
she sits quietly watching me
folding and unfolding my hands
my arms
my emotions
together
then a part

and she offers these words to the silence
as i take a breath
she says
you are really committed to the idea of things being temporary, aren't you?

the words stop me
the air
ceases
my body becomes still
and i suddenly think of the strange new combination of things that were handed down to me

the lessons and stories i heard along the way
the experiences i witnessed
yet no longer recall

the fathers father's fear
and mothers mother's justification
and the rule that has come to be my ultimate defense

sitting here with some sort of deeply buried truth spoken
unearthed
that i had never looked at or truly seen before
as told by a beautiful woman i've just met
sitting across from me
in the semi-darkness.
my god
she has found mine.

it's there laying on the table
messy and
in disarray
this testimony that seemingly made sense all these years in my heart and mind
somehow seemed fallible and incomplete coming from those sweet lips that i have desired to kiss for so long

she tells me
what i know
what i've come to know
and when i hear it it falls short
of what i believed it to be

but then again
it holds up
against
the cult of timeless believers
who say the truly wise
practice the art of non-attachment

this is my lesson here
it is this reminder
that i've had it wrong up until now

you cannot desire things to be temporary out of fear
as i have done
i must rearrange the strange things i've been handed to make the image of choice
i choose to commit my heart and mind to the idea of things being temporary
because they are
whether the heart strings are attached to the blood rushing through the body
or simply attached to the ideology of the truth as it has been witnessed

either way
she spoke my truth to me
as i spoke it to her
and in the way she tells me
i know more
about her
and i know more about what she knows about me...

they say if god made you then she's in love with me...

you wake
vibrations beside your head
effortlessly rising to meet your day

when i wake beside you
and reach out for you
i catch your arching back
as your body is moving forward and away
out of the warmth we've created

hours and hours of our bodies
beside each other
creating
heat
and
energy

it surprises me that i can close my eyes at all with the nearness of you
dancing in and out of my dreams
hands holding
your world in mine

i sleep
like i've slept beside you forever

complete
fulfilled
at peace
full
of
ease

you disappear
then return
sliding back into the warmth that waits for you
you murmur
and hold on tightly

i rise eventually
to be the sun
i rise to meet you
and learn what living inside your world means

gentle
sweet
and intentional

i rise to be your sun again
you rise to be my air
i breathe
you
you breathe
me

and we hold on tightly
to what we've found

so perfect
so beautiful
you are
to
me...

which one says...

sitting close to mediocre
i'm waiting for something
waiting
like i've always waited
except something is different now
something i can't define with words

just yet

i'm new to this
and at the same time
practiced

it could really go anywhere from here
she makes sense
i make sense
this all makes sense

right now

my body
on the eve of bleeding
reminds me that there are some things
that we can count on to show up

so much i don't know
so much that's not in me to ask

just yet

my creativity
is like a train track with a few detours
with no maps
and no signs

gotta have something feeding me
from somewhere

my belly is getting rounder
with my indecisiveness
she begs for discipline
something
she says

needs to come about

of this

but then there's another part of me sayin'
don't stop doing what you're doing baby
keep on movin'
keep doing what your doing...

our. trap. set. affair..

hi hat that emotion
make it sing high

and the snare
there to remind you of the rhythm you give me
steady lover
hold steady

the toms
remind me to turn it around
give it a whirl,
make something new out of this song we sing every time
we feel all right

the base drum takes it deeper
to the kick drum
which is there to give the subtle undertones
melancholy turned to explosive magenta

it's true i've got you memorized
i know where the sweet spot is
i know how to make you loud
and i know how to bring it in to a low steady rumble..

you should have seen the music between us
it was all there
every part of a song
the melody
the words
the perfect composition

us.

you and me.

ties that may bind...

a foolish heart is what he's talking about
with a million experiences to back him up
and three wives to remind him

i ask what love is
and he simply tells me he's not one to give that sort of advice
but we all start out that way
foolish in love
foolish in life

he says to stop before you start falling
because that's where he went wrong before

but between his words i hear a perfect harmony
something connected between heart and mind
i could heed his warning
knowing he's had it wrong more than right
but that's not like him to make perfect sense

he was more of a father than a dad
he was more absent than present
he was more of a man's man
than a woman's man
he was more quiet when he should have spoken up
and said too much when he should have kept quiet

and who am i to hold it against him
that's what ties us

a foolish heart

and i wouldn't tell anybody that i've got it figured out
but i would say i'm coming around to getting it down
more and more each day
it's about recognizing
the calling
and the response

it's more about meeting half way
to every moment which ultimately comes back around
seeing it through until its faded out
and knowing when it's time to say goodbye

he has said goodbye to me before
and i decided that i wouldn't let his foolish heart
break mine.

so here we are again
father and daughter
tied together
by a common thread
that will teach us more about everything than nothing

some sort of resurrected conviction of the heart
which is the beginning of forgiving ourselves
for having a foolish heart...

drop it and pick it up...

full power runs down
i wait for something to stir this sickened mood
a day full of slow movements followed by hi energy motivation to play the games
only to listen to the music
only to keep it going

i've noticed that a lot of what i've been witnessing lately serves as a reminder of what's been going on in my life
the human condition is a parallel i guess
it's familiar
and far reaching.

filling my mind with randomness
waiting for time to take this sickness from me
i wait
and think of how i block energy with my hands
i curb it from entering and exiting my body

at my hips
my hands rest
inside of my pants
it's comforting but somehow odd at the same time

then there's my stomach
i hold that energy in too much as well
my core
it needs to move around and push and pull energy

the boys
they have me figured out
i've told them more than i've told them before
well some of the boys anyhow

i have a feeling the one boy i'm not giving much information to is still waiting...
i do have moments when i've got it figured out
what i want to say
but then i just think to myself
it's no use
he's probably over it by now

but still

those boys are easy to me
and hard at the same time.

and the girls
i need to stop being so disappointed by them over and over again...
heavy maybe but somehow not as heavy as some other things

i've got a mixture of lust and desire on the tip of my tongue
and somebody's got my attention
the mystery attracts
the flirting is dangerously close to moving forward
in what direction is anyone's guess..

i am reminding myself to be content in mind
because my body is incapable of it right now
but as i move through these highs and lows of purging an illness out
that she gave me
i remember
how i told her
that she gives me fever
and she is the only who can take it away

and then i remember
this sort of fever is just the kind that i want in my body...