how can we truly know what it takes to sustain another
small gestures offered in periodic attempts
prove to be insufficient again.
i blame and i judge myself thinking i could have done more
i could do more
but don't and i didn't.
or did i?
too many people in my arena of this familial circle
believe in little
and give maybe less than what is needed in certain situations
and in this case it seems i've been handed the same sort of shortcomings
it hurts to lose another man in my life
it hurts that others have shut out and down on their own-
just out of reach.
pictures remind me that she has moved so far on from him
and she's taken a daughter with her.
she is deserving of the love
they both need someone they can rely on
but it's like swallowing something sideways to see evidence of their joy so soon.
i don't know if i'm protecting the brother who didn't offer more
or if i'm protecting what i see as loosely mine or ours.
so many things are shifting as i try to lay down my own roots in a 4 walled little house.
i'm beginning to realize roots have nothing to do with where your materialistic accumulations lye.
i think they are deep and unseen in letters that tie you to others.
T A N G Y E.
you have felt foreign to me at different points in my life
but now i am burrowed in your crevices
i am searching for some shelter in what you've held in the years i've belonged to you.
it seems the clan is dismantling quickly and things have begun to unravel.
who will remained aligned
and who will jump ship?
i'm needing some space
and some creativity mixed with a little self destruction.
i want to fill my lungs with the smoke of my youth
the careless wandering
and the endless resolve.
i want to forget the missing parts of this clan
and fall back to when things were quiet
out of choice
and not abandon.
can i get there if i wish hard enough?
i'm insatiable
and not finding what i thought i was looking for anymore.
perhaps feeling lost is where i will find myself again.
they say being lost is the best way to find creativity.
i could use a little of both..
