heavy roads i've travelled
making my way back to the past
trying to bring my present with me
an introduction of the two once again
i end up tongue tied emotionally -
things stop moving up and making sense
i react but not to the people in front of me
but to the things that i remember in the familiar spaces they occupy
a box of ashes is the first i see of my uncle
since i heard of his strange passing
there were no goodbyes
just a box with a sticker that proved that he existed..
i lifted it to see what a man of his place and predicament weighed
heavy...
i turned to see a man, my father, aging, and a a grandfather who is half of what he used to be
and when i looked for grandmother
she was not there
anymore
i haven't felt her presence there since she moved on or 'checked out' as grampa wrote
in the little yellow address book that held history more accurately then all of our minds collectively-
deaths,
births,
marriages
and social security numbers of the grandkids..
who needs addresses when you've got information on family like that.
travel through some farm roads and you will get to a place of madness
she talked of how they were going to remodel the memory out of the place
new paint, new floors, new appliances
but everyone knows the memory is in the bones of that house
and no new colors and upgraded, hired hands can take that away
the bodies that exist in that home have aged,
changed,
slowed down or sped up
all the accouterments exists that make it a family
unless you dig around and find the faults, levy's and dams that hold it together and pull it a part..
you can try to run only so far before the past and reality of everything slaps you in the face.
somehow it never forgets your face.
it has never forgotten mine
and i'm here now putting myself back together
yet trying to rebuild my emotional strength to face the witnessing of the realtor
in his yard-
who shares my name
and the 133 lb man
who once towered over life
and all of us
who now whispered to me
he's ready....
i know it's just the way it goes
all these things
and i invite this heaviness in when i return
and that camera taking pictures
forces me to remember what i'm inclined to forget.
none of us are above going through these parts of life
and i alone am not facing these changes that are coming and those that have occurred
i just question whatever happened to the sun that used to shine down on all our smiling faces
when we were all together
where are those pictures
inside my head
or on paper?
i guess the beauty in this is that i get to choose what i carry on with me
some of the places people carried with them didn't get the picture perfect ending that the photos make it appear that they had
i've lost those photos anyway-
and the only ones i've got now
are in my head
and soon
even that is unsafe to time
as my memory filters out things forgettable and unforgettable
these are the things and spaces that we must occupy
if we choose to remain signed up for this life
i remind myself that ultimately the hard parts are worth all the good parts culminated
that i can't seem to get a hold of right now
i'm fairly sure of it
even though i'm wavering a bit...
