the closest distance...

heavy things fall in the smallest places
everyone is feeling this one

long drives and discouraged words
he tells me that the world is not worth the worry

she's looking for some sort of recognition in my words
and i'm looking for something in her memory.
she fills mine with hers

somebody said that reassurance can be the most important thing you can give someone.
somehow that eluded me
i think i've given her that
now
i am not quite sure how 6 years went by with a failure on my part to give her that-
i'm learning
slowly

slowly

we pick up things and we place them in new places
this is the same for matters of the heart

i think we've come to a new understanding
even if the lines are blurry and crooked at times

he calls too much and is reasonably needy for a man his age
he married his dreams
but failed to see the woman inside them who didn't share the same principles

he's alone
again
and somehow turns to me

and those lines i've drawn
get stepped over
and ignored
and i'm not sure how much of it is oblivion
or lonleiness at it's rawest

regardless i push him further than he'd like to be.

i reassure her that i loved her
and tell her i still love her immensely
she's finding that the woman she was is now opposite
and she gets where i was a little better
this sort of honesty is what we've needed for a long time

and i promise to keep her at the shortest distance

a long drive home
with a sore culo
and heavy heart

she's looking for the part of her that has been fragmented, broken from the core of her
she's anything but reset tonight
i didn't reassure of her anything other than my time
that was a mistake
i should have said more
so she knows i'm here unconditionally

she traveled far from me
a long distance in miles
and even further in emotion

she will come back to me
when she's ready
when she's more complete

it's an interesting thing when reason
trumps
a desired reality
it's anything and everything
almost
the tie without the label
the intent without premeditation

she falls
and i pick her up
no questions asked

i'm getting better at this
practice of reassurance
it has to do with the heavy things
falling in small places

and keeping the most sacred things at the closet distance...

visitor...

as i sit beneath the sign that reads Gonda 3 South i am forced to witness impermanence
and how fragile we are.

you are in some cold room laying atop some cold glass tube that gives away all the secrets your body holds-
how is it that we can see through our physical beings yet have no clue about what it is that we are thinking and feeling?

as i sit here in this faux- cheery but really just mediocre room amongst many old white faces-
one face catches my eye.
a young woman, my age or maybe younger
sits in a wheelchair
she stares out the window at the vast sky interrupted by the old stone buildings which are disrupted by the newer, shiny ones trying to steal our glimpses

she is here for a reason-
perhaps her body is hiding from her the information that could make her well.

something in me is reminded that our lives are given,
they are not guaranteed-
we are lucky to have this opportunity and chance to be who we are in this lifetime.
to take this time and our well being for granted
is simply ignorant.

the message couldn't be any more clear to me as the full room suddenly is cleared.
no one is around me any more.
i am alone.
those who have come to be poked,
prodded
and looked through
are erased from my witness eyes.
i am a visitor here.

i am intact.

i have no clue of what it feels like to carry around something that is bigger,
stronger,
and more powerful than my physical resolve.

this awakens me to the choices,
the luck,
the blessing i have been given with this body

the aches
and cracks
and occasional fatigue
are my reminder that it is a body-
with an expiration date,
perhaps already stamped on the inside.

i am lucky
and wiser
from this experience.

she sends me texts from the other side
telling me what she must drink,
so that they can see her more clearly
- a freeze frame of her body-
inside that tube.

she is hoping for some information-
some clue
that reveals what monster is now lurking within her bowels.

i have a feeling they won't see the pain or the fear inside her-
they may not see the monster either
but they look
and we all hope
that they are seeing more clearly today
than yesterday...

a celebration of specialness...

I really look forward to forgetting the details- because only by forgetting can I see things again as they really are.

as paraphrased by me from David Bryne "True Stories"