looking,
but mostly feeling where i am right now
I've crossed a million landscapes in my mind and i'm on my way home-
wanting to rest,
fall into the deepest of sleep and
dream of better things-
Questioning all the angels that have shown me what it is to be real
asking them if i have all that i need to do this-
breaking through ground that i've been over a million times before
only comprehending the miles i've put on my shoes-
looking down at them now i realize that they are not as worn as my heart
that i have been carrying around all this time-
What will i find in this down time?
When will i get past the point of wanting a distraction so badly?
When will i feel the sun that i saw setting in the west- far too soon?
When will the road have more landscape than concrete and dirt?
When will i get the courage to dig deeper in that dirt and find my way back?
Find my way through the fasting i'm doing of love
I never intended to be alone at this point
I guess i never really thought about what it means-
pointing fingers has only gotten me so far
now i'm pointing at myself and no one's arguing
the silence is numbing-
All this time the river of my life has flowed endlessly
with sand dunes to bank upon for years at a time
the same to cover me from the cold winter blowing-
now i'm on an island wondering what i've done all this time
looking for a boat to dock and pick me up
but
nothing's in sight as far as i can see-
Fear comes then subsides-
and the sun rises and then the gods fall asleep
never giving me a clue or even a direction-
one by one i sift through all the possibilities-
what has been
and
what can be
in me
I've stolen a thousand kisses from beautiful women that cover the earth over
only to return to the field that i was born to-
no closer to finding my way through
somewhere through all this time i thought of all the lies and barbed wire fences i've put around my heart-
there have been years that even i couldn't get through to the secrets that i hold so tightly
I've worked to break them open with rocks that have turned to sand-
finding the small of my emotion
carved so delicately in my beating heart
Looking to the stars that give themselves a place night after night
picking one for me and all the people i've ever been
waiting for the one that is me in present
is it the brightest one of them all or is the one that shoots before my eyes only to be lost in the darkness?
I know my place is not so complex to the master of disguise who offers me masks time and time again-
she tells me she'll dance with me no matter who i claim to be when i'm alone-
what is most unsettling i ask myself as i climb
is it the words i've heard
or is the words i've stopped myself from saying?
when it's only me who hears the freedom i hold when i'm riding in the wind-
when i'm laughing out loud at no one but me
when i'm crying for the child who was lost and then never found
I claim a truth
that is mine
and mine alone
something the anguish of dueling mothers and fathers can never claim
something my angels have told me only i possess-
a place where no one has been lost or found-
in my head i look for distraction
something to interrupt the absence
that only someone i don't remember can fill-
so when i cry in the dark at emotions that someone else reminds me of
don't think i'm here in the moment with you-
and when i fall away to the silence and murmuring that my ears have created for me
don't think i'm there in the moment with you-
I'm far off in my head trying to make sense of this sadness that plagues me-
distraction is what makes me human to you
but if i ever lose my faith
if i ever lose my faith in me
then my light will go out
and i won't ever come back to the moment we were sharing-
in the midst of confusion
i know that there will be a time when i'm not stuck at a fortress of solitude
i will come out and play with you
i will come out and laugh at all the faces i've seen myself behind-
If i know one thing before you
it is this-
it is my knowledge of
how fragile we are-
my grace
my angel
I know these things to be true
and i know that someday i will not beg for distraction
and i will not beg myself for air time alone-
One day at a time
my spirit moves away the stones that hinder my view of all the beauty i possess
and for all my days remaining i pay tribute to the mother who colored me from clear to brown
and to the father i never thought existed in the making of me
he will rise and give back my sky of gray to blue-
and to the one who raised me they will feel the love that i tried to save for the invisible ghosts who left me and told me to by myself no matter what the world says-
i have everything that i need to fill the sand dunes of time-
to shade me from the cold winds
to carry me across the waters to the ship at port-
to claim my star
and to cut the barbed wire fortress
and fill empty arms that once held me-
and fix my need for distraction-
I have it all and i have it all in me...
10.14.02
