only girl in the middle..

words and words away
she reminds me of the last night we had together.
how we spoke and what we teased about
i have some photos of us
but i'd rather have
some words to lean on from you brother

she said in
the rear view mirror
she saw you
passed out
she said
you drank yourself that way

me,
i didn't
see it
or the way
the anxiety crept into
our conversation in passing.

i've been talking to a new friend about things of this matter
and sitting in circles with strangers on saturday mornings
trying to make sense of what you had
what we have
and what he denies

i'm not feeling any closer to you in this brother
i'm not feeling any closer to me in what i'm learning.

i know i have a long way to go
a lot more solid conversations to have
and more disappointment to let fall to the wayside.

like i said
i've been trying to lead by example for a while now
but no one seems to notice the only girl in the middle.

in the end we all live by our own mistakes
and we learn by our own certainties
even if we don't think we deserve what we get
and where we end up.

what i take in
is not to judge myself
for the misspoken words
and finger pointing

in this i can't seem to notice the only girl in the middle
and where she came from
what emotion exploded in those moments
and months
turned years

i just notice that i feel pained for having led by that example.

the earth is growing grass by now above
where you lye beneath
sheltered in your pimped out castle
wearing the first and last outfit i ever chose for you

in regret i wish i would have come to you with arms wide open
and judgement reserved a little more

but brother i'm learning too
though somewhere
these sort of things shouldn't be taught in hindsight..

a sting.

bright.

i learned that the familiar around me
is more like me than i knew.

if i had my way
there would be nothing to bury in this
there would be simple-
no used up words
and half mast regrets.

loud.

i like the pronunciation of the the things i can't quite feel
i like the reminders that there is a god in the rhythm of all of us.
i remember to breathe
and remember to forget that if i had my way i might be in a different position

different and maybe just a little the same..

what i've known..

10.17.11

shortly after i heard the news of your passing
fireworks thundered in the sky for the longest of moments
i searched for them
but could not see what i could hear.

this finale must have been for you erin
for you
an amazing woman
whose laughter and smile i will never forget.

it is hard to think that it was almost exactly two years ago
that you told us that you had found a mystery.


things ultimately took you to a place where your spirit
couldn't be held back
confined
and hindered by a body.

i mostly knew you in passing
we shared a few moments

laughed even more
and loved the most.

you were so light
so free
so happy.

it broke my heart to see you as anything but what you always were

i think of you now as i have been for two years now
and i am happy that you are finally at ease.

though you have left many who were not done loving you
with us all you have left endless memories
and laughter.

for what i've known
i am proud to say we shared common spaces
loved common faces
and witnessed your graces

may you be on your journey
to find the better part of you

i am thankful to have known you
and heard the laughter
and seen the light you emitted.

RIP sister Erin...