just like that.

Wisdom comes with age,
but sometimes age comes alone...

~anonymous

texts after my nap...

i feel myself attaching to the idea that i can still save her-
with small talk.
then i'm reminded of
an
emotional responsibility to myself and the idea of not basing my happiness
on something outside my control

the end.

certificate of proof...

it's funny how in times of need a person attaches to an idea or person-
something to help lead them out of a place of darkness

i am not sure what to attach to really
other than the idea itself...

fragmented...two mothers

Preface:
He came to me in a dream and i asked him what would come of you and he said- Mother is a lost soul on a long, dark highway.. these words comfort me in that i know what i must do now..

Dear Mama-
there have been many lessons i've had to learn about the ties that bind a mother and daughter
many lessons about what sort of woman i wanted to be

living and learning from your mistakes
picking and choosing which parts i would hold on to
and what parts i wanted to release and forget.

i have to remember that this is your first time in this sort of role-
there were few cues or tips for you to grow from
your example taught you what not to be-
my example has taught me both hard and easy lessons about what to be.

i've had to learn many of those lessons from within the space of an absent mother
i've had to learn to forgive
and how to love blindly
and mostly
how to love with doubt.

for as many years as i can recall i've had to live with a love that i loosely extended towards you
never within grasp of each other
we have danced inside a tumultuous rhythm
out of step
and out of touch.

i have made decisions on how not to emulate you
and have made the best parts of you my foundation.

yet for so long i've been on my own-
learning my lessons from a forfeited presence.

Dear Mama
my biggest lesson of all has been learning to forgive you
for succumbing to merely existing rather than living.

i never learned how to accept a wasted chance-
though i have had many of my own

through it all
the one thing i've held on to
was the fact that there are lessons to be learned-
you seemed to stop listening to those lessons
or even showing up to life.

it's been many years that i have worked on forgiving you
and accepting that i can not make you care
i can not care enough for you to make you well

i am resigned, with a broken heart,
to witness your failure of believing
in yourself
or that you deserve more-

your final testament to prove that life is not worth living
is the hardest lesson to learn Mama

but as i let go of you
i grab ahold of my life and the love that i've been blessed with
and i hold it a little closer

because Mama
you taught me that.

faded opus...

i sit amidst the chilled air and wet floor beneath me
dogs moving, excited, and my eyes fall on your image
and words related to you

a sisters response
a picture in the corner of my eye

you..

and i recall hearing the sadness in my lover's voice last night as she recalled how she forgot that it is the anniversary this week of a friend's death

and i think of you

and how these sorts of things should never happen.

too soon
they all say.

you had a smile that was so gentle
and a rhythm i witnessed a few times only
your brief passions exposed though few ever took notice-
the way i did.

i think of you and her and him and the others who have crossed paths with the ceaseless dis- ease

how it must've felt to have release from that i can only imagine
i find comprehension in the letting go
that is all i have left

you were unbreakable i believe
you merely had to lay down to ease the agony.

i grapple with a mother
who has been lying on the floor for years.
more years than i care to remember
and i sit and wait

for the day
she recognizes that she is unbreakable
but must finally lay down...