Loosely you don't recognize my truth against anything i've offered you
before now
and i'm not sure how to make you believe me any better
then you have before now
Someone said "don't act like the loyal type if you need to explore
she doesn't need that sort of dis-service again."
i thought of where i've been and how i've represented myself
differently and how i'm trying to make up for misgivings
i've offered in the past
i'm now not sure who i am here to love
other then my heart continues to stop for you
which leads me to believe that i'm here to love someone
though emotions tie me
more
strongly
to her
which makes sense
or not..
will love overheard ever make sense?...
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
umbilical cord connection... unfinished
6.29.09
my connection to you though fickle at times
feels like something close to an umbilical cord connection
You,
sometimes are all i need comfort from,
connection to,
and love with..
my connection to you though fickle at times
feels like something close to an umbilical cord connection
You,
sometimes are all i need comfort from,
connection to,
and love with..
Thursday, June 25, 2009
temporary pain marks a transformation...
somewhat detached
this is where i want to be perhaps
not in a moment of wanting
not stringed along by a series of moments
of the same
i am here
i am content
i am fulfilled
by the things that so recently didn't complete the seemingly insatiable hunger
as if calmed by an invisible suitor
mentor or friend
i am free of the endless desire of wanting,
needing
as if the ink on my skin
so new
so perfect
still entering my being
is the message
the meaning that i have been searching for
and now found
i am at a place that seems to be the pinnacle of my conscience
i have so far to go, i know
but this temporary moment i am witnessing and feeling
is amazing
and untouchable
by any one but me...
this is where i want to be perhaps
not in a moment of wanting
not stringed along by a series of moments
of the same
i am here
i am content
i am fulfilled
by the things that so recently didn't complete the seemingly insatiable hunger
as if calmed by an invisible suitor
mentor or friend
i am free of the endless desire of wanting,
needing
as if the ink on my skin
so new
so perfect
still entering my being
is the message
the meaning that i have been searching for
and now found
i am at a place that seems to be the pinnacle of my conscience
i have so far to go, i know
but this temporary moment i am witnessing and feeling
is amazing
and untouchable
by any one but me...
in daylight, sometimes with company or even by yourself...
moving in and out of surfaces
sometimes deep
sometimes lightly treading
i found you so recently
and am quick to forget the spaces i've been in the recent past
your words remind me
that things come to pass
and that is a very good thing for the two of us right now
i feel awake since knowing you
partly because of your presence
partly because it is where i've come to rest
I find myself challenged by you
something you inherently own
forces me to look at myself in new ways
to be better
to want better
i wanted to tell you that i'm very aware of what it is that you have to teach me
something about humility and witnessing things in silence
symbolism abound
you represent the grounded party of who i want to be
i am unsure if you recognize in yourself what it is that i'm privy to
but if my words can reassure you that surely there is evidence of your healing
let it be known
grace follows me as i come to settle
on new things
new ideals
and new beginnings...
sometimes deep
sometimes lightly treading
i found you so recently
and am quick to forget the spaces i've been in the recent past
your words remind me
that things come to pass
and that is a very good thing for the two of us right now
i feel awake since knowing you
partly because of your presence
partly because it is where i've come to rest
I find myself challenged by you
something you inherently own
forces me to look at myself in new ways
to be better
to want better
i wanted to tell you that i'm very aware of what it is that you have to teach me
something about humility and witnessing things in silence
symbolism abound
you represent the grounded party of who i want to be
i am unsure if you recognize in yourself what it is that i'm privy to
but if my words can reassure you that surely there is evidence of your healing
let it be known
grace follows me as i come to settle
on new things
new ideals
and new beginnings...
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
city girl in the woods...
she's the kind of girl who likes to keep herself busy
lately she's been cutting out patterns that represent the life she lost
she says she feels like she's been handed some sort of second chance to rediscover herself
i'm getting the chance to finally discover her
and i won't say that the years that it took to get close to her where easy to endure
but the time has come and i've got nothing to believe in except that something's telling me my time has arrived
us, ordinary people, we wait, we wish and manifest
for the things in life that best suit us
sometimes we have to take care of our lovers
and sometimes they end up taking care of us
things get heavy on one side
and a little lenient on the other
i can finally say that i've got it down
the part that proves that i'm ready to go right now
if the heat of the sun on our reading bodies is any indicator
of the words i've got lining up in my eyes
then let these words prove the point
i've been waiting for you girl
to find your way to me
and now that i've got a little bit of your attention
i'm gonna choose my words as mindfully as i take you in
eyes, skin, smile with a voice to match
i am paralyzed in between awe and deep appreciation of your beauty
i hope that someday you will notice me the way i notice you
until that time i will wait just as i have been
and discover you discovering me...
lately she's been cutting out patterns that represent the life she lost
she says she feels like she's been handed some sort of second chance to rediscover herself
i'm getting the chance to finally discover her
and i won't say that the years that it took to get close to her where easy to endure
but the time has come and i've got nothing to believe in except that something's telling me my time has arrived
us, ordinary people, we wait, we wish and manifest
for the things in life that best suit us
sometimes we have to take care of our lovers
and sometimes they end up taking care of us
things get heavy on one side
and a little lenient on the other
i can finally say that i've got it down
the part that proves that i'm ready to go right now
if the heat of the sun on our reading bodies is any indicator
of the words i've got lining up in my eyes
then let these words prove the point
i've been waiting for you girl
to find your way to me
and now that i've got a little bit of your attention
i'm gonna choose my words as mindfully as i take you in
eyes, skin, smile with a voice to match
i am paralyzed in between awe and deep appreciation of your beauty
i hope that someday you will notice me the way i notice you
until that time i will wait just as i have been
and discover you discovering me...
spoken things unspoken...
it's about hearing the inbetween little things
and feeling things out
I’m on a path to figure out where to go from here
The talk inside my head says one thing
The emotion in my heart says things that makes even the heaviest of feathers fly
This heaviness is the kind that’s good
But I’m struggling to stand inside of it
I feel as if I’ve spent eternity beside you
And your absence is a killer.
Someone said you were traveling-
That’s where you always go when things get hard
I don’t know where you go to hide
And I don’t know if the anger you say you feel is on the up-mend
Or if you are still too wounded to feel any sort of fire
I’ve never known for certain how these sorts of things go from potential to smoke and ashes
All I know is that somewhere in the writing
I made a commitment to love you
I don’t think you could comprehend this sort of truth but despite not telling you
I’ve known for some time on some level
That I would possess your heart
And you would possess mine
We spoke of realist ideology
And how that can hamper the romantic gesture in a lover’s eye
But holding the truth until it is no more
Is a better contract than overthought fairy-tales
Of course in the midst of this I realize the more I try to read you
The more you slip away
I wake up hearing you call my name
And It makes me want to keep waking up again and again
Perhaps this is the dance we must dance
I will keep the rhythm until my song of you runs through and through
And only then will I move from this stance
My hope and fear is that you will recognize me in all this
And fall away…
and feeling things out
I’m on a path to figure out where to go from here
The talk inside my head says one thing
The emotion in my heart says things that makes even the heaviest of feathers fly
This heaviness is the kind that’s good
But I’m struggling to stand inside of it
I feel as if I’ve spent eternity beside you
And your absence is a killer.
Someone said you were traveling-
That’s where you always go when things get hard
I don’t know where you go to hide
And I don’t know if the anger you say you feel is on the up-mend
Or if you are still too wounded to feel any sort of fire
I’ve never known for certain how these sorts of things go from potential to smoke and ashes
All I know is that somewhere in the writing
I made a commitment to love you
I don’t think you could comprehend this sort of truth but despite not telling you
I’ve known for some time on some level
That I would possess your heart
And you would possess mine
We spoke of realist ideology
And how that can hamper the romantic gesture in a lover’s eye
But holding the truth until it is no more
Is a better contract than overthought fairy-tales
Of course in the midst of this I realize the more I try to read you
The more you slip away
I wake up hearing you call my name
And It makes me want to keep waking up again and again
Perhaps this is the dance we must dance
I will keep the rhythm until my song of you runs through and through
And only then will I move from this stance
My hope and fear is that you will recognize me in all this
And fall away…
Monday, June 15, 2009
lost beer and records...
here with him..
we are stoned and hungry
drunk and curious
about connections
words
and pictures that mean nothing to us
standing next to me
sounding like rev. jessie jackson
you sway and move with your pyromania
something says it wants rock' n' roll
and what do you want...
you, my crackers and beer sort of man
spitting words in my hair, and side of my face
you pace back and fourth looking for vinyl
and love
now listen to me, i've had a few things to say here and there
throughout the night
things about vulnerability
and douche bags
and dykes
you stood there with a seeming canadian/french "i'm anything cuz i'm adopted," look
and swayed back and fourth
in the quiet sounds
in your headphones
in your music...
this is how it starts, huh,
these sorts of things
well, i'm wondering if this must be some sort of beginning...
we are stoned and hungry
drunk and curious
about connections
words
and pictures that mean nothing to us
standing next to me
sounding like rev. jessie jackson
you sway and move with your pyromania
something says it wants rock' n' roll
and what do you want...
you, my crackers and beer sort of man
spitting words in my hair, and side of my face
you pace back and fourth looking for vinyl
and love
now listen to me, i've had a few things to say here and there
throughout the night
things about vulnerability
and douche bags
and dykes
you stood there with a seeming canadian/french "i'm anything cuz i'm adopted," look
and swayed back and fourth
in the quiet sounds
in your headphones
in your music...
this is how it starts, huh,
these sorts of things
well, i'm wondering if this must be some sort of beginning...
Monday, June 1, 2009
what's in a name...
I recognized a few days ago that i've spend almost 34 years trying to fit inside an identity that never resonated with me.
yes- those letters do not belong to me.. this is something i've inherently known but it was proven to me by a kind stranger. It's one thing when your head tells you something and another when your body confirms what you knew. yes- those letters do not belong to me.. when asked why she changed my name from adriana to melissa, my mother's response was-"because i always wanted a michael and melissa..." hmm, the sad ignorance in that reply- the grave consequence that i recognize even more now brings my attention to the bigger issue at hand... but aside from the politics in which the residue still remains on my skin- the most simple concept of this is vulgar to me... at what point must i stop making excuses for the things done to me and every other colonized, stolen child. what two year old doesn't know her name and how would she react if all of the sudden her only connection to her origins where stripped, fluffed up and stamped with those letter which do not belong to her? it seems laughable how much it never fit me.. and even more so that someone thought it would.. all this time i thought it was me who was somehow not getting something so simple as who i am- but now recognize it was because all these years others have been calling for someone who is not me..yes- those letters to not belong to me and no i will not try to fit inside them anymore... what i will respond to is not even the letters my birth mother gave me but letters which i have given myself.. and no you cannot know those secret letters...they are mine. call me whatever you like- no one's gotten it right all these years anyhow...
6.1.09
yes- those letters do not belong to me.. this is something i've inherently known but it was proven to me by a kind stranger. It's one thing when your head tells you something and another when your body confirms what you knew. yes- those letters do not belong to me.. when asked why she changed my name from adriana to melissa, my mother's response was-"because i always wanted a michael and melissa..." hmm, the sad ignorance in that reply- the grave consequence that i recognize even more now brings my attention to the bigger issue at hand... but aside from the politics in which the residue still remains on my skin- the most simple concept of this is vulgar to me... at what point must i stop making excuses for the things done to me and every other colonized, stolen child. what two year old doesn't know her name and how would she react if all of the sudden her only connection to her origins where stripped, fluffed up and stamped with those letter which do not belong to her? it seems laughable how much it never fit me.. and even more so that someone thought it would.. all this time i thought it was me who was somehow not getting something so simple as who i am- but now recognize it was because all these years others have been calling for someone who is not me..yes- those letters to not belong to me and no i will not try to fit inside them anymore... what i will respond to is not even the letters my birth mother gave me but letters which i have given myself.. and no you cannot know those secret letters...they are mine. call me whatever you like- no one's gotten it right all these years anyhow...
6.1.09
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