words comprised of letters...

water is wetter
cold is warmer
emptiness is bigger
or is it smaller
than the sum of mistakes i've been holding onto
few know what i hold against myself
fewer could place the truest reason-
wondering what late night dreams i'll spin in her head
perhaps she'll dream of me complete and full
like i was the day i was born
in another life-
to another set of never ending circumstances-
sometimes the loving i pay to lay
closes around me and reminds me that temporary stutters have been bubbling around me for decades
and that bittersweet memory of completeness comes with work that i haven't been doing much of lately-
to sail them away is to first build the boat that carries them away
the only explanation i need is to know that my hands are far too soft to build at this time-
first i must find water..
and the beginning of falling a part..
but as i go i remember falling a part is not bad because it signifies that i view some part of myself as together in some way , shape or form...

Vulnerable-juxtaposed- religions

there it was
there in front of me
my eyes wide like a child's
looking and seeing
something
that spoke to something deep inside me
something that only gets spoken to in the clearest of moments
something that only gets comprehended in the clearest of moments-

so here i am all cried out
searching for something to grab a hold of
someone once told me
i'd find my splintered parts coming together if i visited my birthplace-
someone else told me
home is where you are
that way you are never far from yourself-
i'm looking all around me
looking fro something that makes as much sense as that moment
a place of fire and drums

nothing around me makes the sense i want it to
it's all coded words that mean nothing that fill me with
nothing..

she said that creating creativity is being truly in the moment
being present at all the right times-
sitting here eating a cookie with orange sprinkles on it
seems like some sort of metaphor to the way i've been mostly, up till today-

my mother called me last night
with that loneliness in the back of her voice
i couldn't talk to her
but the sound in her voice haunted my company all night
i woke today thinking of what it is she is paying for in her minutes that are spent in silence-
something big
I figured
someone was really hurt and she's paying dearly for it now-
a spark of anger crossed my heart and i heard her telling me things that she had no
business saying..

as i stretched out
i waited for a solid reason why i can't speak up when i hear that loneliness creeping out of her words over the phone
answering myself
why i turn off when i sense the doom-
then i remembered who the emotional reparations were for-
someone named me..

I walk to the market and speak a little spanish to the people who represent the bigger picture of what i could be-
wondering why i always feel so small when i walk away from them
wondering if they feel the void i'm carrying around in my pocket-
she told me to keep trying in my own way
because there are more out there just like me-
i stop when i'm feeling broken and think about the fire and the drums
and i wonder if i didn't let myself go completely by crying the way I wanted to so badly-
prepping some sort of woman in my head to carry the weight of a thousand sorrows on her back all over again-
when it stops i'm gonna put all the bags down
cause my eyes can see the brighter day ahead
I just keep holding my heart out whenever i think i've found the right spaces to fill it with
but somehow the space is empty before long and i'm out looking again..

how much can i let go so i can live every moment in and of itself
how can i be conscious of myself more
deciding that while i was born with my eyes wide open
i've been slowly closing them every since-
along with the millions of restless souls around me called brothers and sisters-
repenting now for the careless ways i've been treating my spirit lately-
feeding it evilness- cigarettes and drinks that time after time drag me down-
Frozen in my expanse of mistakes i pick up every wrongdoing and try to realize how it's bad for me-
while i'm thinking clearer i'm feeling the wild hope i've got racing around my head.

i'm secretly looking for the complete me
for once i'm not looking for someone else- that will only confuse me more-
so much more could i be confused i know
i'm just trying to hold onto his hand as he raised mine to his head in thanks
i just wanted to hold him and feel the spirit he held-
the rhythm he felt in the drum
the unthreatening warmth he felt as he put his entire body in the flame-

why is that the unseen fires are the hardest to put out and are more visible then an actual flame...

10.21.02

For her...

looking,
but mostly feeling where i am right now
I've crossed a million landscapes in my mind and i'm on my way home-
wanting to rest,
fall into the deepest of sleep and
dream of better things-
Questioning all the angels that have shown me what it is to be real
asking them if i have all that i need to do this-
breaking through ground that i've been over a million times before
only comprehending the miles i've put on my shoes-
looking down at them now i realize that they are not as worn as my heart
that i have been carrying around all this time-

What will i find in this down time?
When will i get past the point of wanting a distraction so badly?
When will i feel the sun that i saw setting in the west- far too soon?
When will the road have more landscape than concrete and dirt?
When will i get the courage to dig deeper in that dirt and find my way back?
Find my way through the fasting i'm doing of love
I never intended to be alone at this point
I guess i never really thought about what it means-
pointing fingers has only gotten me so far
now i'm pointing at myself and no one's arguing
the silence is numbing-

All this time the river of my life has flowed endlessly
with sand dunes to bank upon for years at a time
the same to cover me from the cold winter blowing-
now i'm on an island wondering what i've done all this time
looking for a boat to dock and pick me up
but
nothing's in sight as far as i can see-

Fear comes then subsides-
and the sun rises and then the gods fall asleep
never giving me a clue or even a direction-
one by one i sift through all the possibilities-
what has been
and
what can be
in me

I've stolen a thousand kisses from beautiful women that cover the earth over
only to return to the field that i was born to-
no closer to finding my way through
somewhere through all this time i thought of all the lies and barbed wire fences i've put around my heart-
there have been years that even i couldn't get through to the secrets that i hold so tightly
I've worked to break them open with rocks that have turned to sand-
finding the small of my emotion
carved so delicately in my beating heart

Looking to the stars that give themselves a place night after night
picking one for me and all the people i've ever been
waiting for the one that is me in present
is it the brightest one of them all or is the one that shoots before my eyes only to be lost in the darkness?
I know my place is not so complex to the master of disguise who offers me masks time and time again-
she tells me she'll dance with me no matter who i claim to be when i'm alone-
what is most unsettling i ask myself as i climb
is it the words i've heard
or is the words i've stopped myself from saying?
when it's only me who hears the freedom i hold when i'm riding in the wind-
when i'm laughing out loud at no one but me
when i'm crying for the child who was lost and then never found
I claim a truth
that is mine
and mine alone
something the anguish of dueling mothers and fathers can never claim
something my angels have told me only i possess-
a place where no one has been lost or found-

in my head i look for distraction
something to interrupt the absence
that only someone i don't remember can fill-

so when i cry in the dark at emotions that someone else reminds me of
don't think i'm here in the moment with you-
and when i fall away to the silence and murmuring that my ears have created for me
don't think i'm there in the moment with you-
I'm far off in my head trying to make sense of this sadness that plagues me-
distraction is what makes me human to you
but if i ever lose my faith
if i ever lose my faith in me
then my light will go out
and i won't ever come back to the moment we were sharing-

in the midst of confusion
i know that there will be a time when i'm not stuck at a fortress of solitude
i will come out and play with you
i will come out and laugh at all the faces i've seen myself behind-
If i know one thing before you
it is this-
it is my knowledge of
how fragile we are-
my grace
my angel

I know these things to be true
and i know that someday i will not beg for distraction
and i will not beg myself for air time alone-

One day at a time
my spirit moves away the stones that hinder my view of all the beauty i possess
and for all my days remaining i pay tribute to the mother who colored me from clear to brown
and to the father i never thought existed in the making of me
he will rise and give back my sky of gray to blue-
and to the one who raised me they will feel the love that i tried to save for the invisible ghosts who left me and told me to by myself no matter what the world says-
i have everything that i need to fill the sand dunes of time-
to shade me from the cold winds
to carry me across the waters to the ship at port-
to claim my star
and to cut the barbed wire fortress
and fill empty arms that once held me-
and fix my need for distraction-

I have it all and i have it all in me...

10.14.02