in these days of solitude i am learning
and i'm leaning in hard to the habits that have made this machine in me thrust forward in this attempt at life.
i recognize that i am not the most disciplined of energies
and my tendency to fall inward is most present in the absence of structure.
this can be a dangerous thing
as in it's wake it leaves me accomplishing little to nothing.
left to my own devices i will circle my thoughts
dream of big things then dissolve into aimlessly wandering in my here nor there.
i am no fool and recognize that my motivation is directly correlated to the absence or presence of sunshine.
a creativity that waxes and wanes
an attention span that loves to get lost in words-
i am a keeper of letters
and words
and occasionally anger, sadness and utter joy.
I'd have dismissed taking myself seriously years ago and given in to the earlier revelation that maybe i'm just crazy
but that was too comforting and i wanted to make that craziness mean something outside of my head.
i am amazed at how much talent can go to waste simply due to lack of motivation. i fear that my last words will be, "why didn't i do more?!"
i take it a day at a time and live by the ebb and flow of these tiny little fish swimming called emotions and they don't remind me that it's sink or swim-
i relearn this only when i'm coughing and choking and gasping for air.
i'm living easy these days just watching things go by at the speed of cognition and my center is realigning with something deeper in me- something that busy ate up and inattention ignored.
i am getting here
and i'm getting closer to the me in melissa
or
was it adriana?
