I don't know how to make myself less available.
i tell this to few who know me and i get feedback that helps if only i could hear it.
i am lost.
i am in transition.
and i feel fucked up.
i am bleeding and
it's a full moon.
venus is passing the sun
and i feel compelled to allow the chaos to take a hold.
i climbed the fence
and i danced in the rain.
i am challenging my laptop to the rain
as i refuse to sit inside
and be un assertive to the weather that feeds my mood.
i am here
with who i am
and i am confused.
i am digging deep
for no reason other than it suits me
and i am no closer to conclusion.
the book(s) i've read
in the last year that almost marks the full year since your death
dizzy me in the forceful reminder of you being gone now for almost a year, brother.
they force me to believe
and give me strange ideas
as to who and where you are now
and further more how you are here with me.
i follow your shadows as they reveal themselves
and i call your name.
i call the names of others whom i don't yet know
and they all respond in their own way.
i don't know how to gap the living from the dead but i make sense of my reality as best i can.
i ask you brother to show me the way and i hope that you are still in a realm that includes me.
i get distracted messages and i hear myself in the midst telling me to just notice the silence of things and listen.
i am trying to listen
and i am also trying to ask the right questions.
i walk away sometimes defeated by my own voice
my insecurities
and i am reminded, by the right people, to stay true to myself.
i beg of the world one thing.
to call me out on my shit
and the world today said-
if you were listening right to yourself
you wouldn't need the outside world..
i heard it and i didn't.
i want interaction.
i know i can't do this on my own.
i need leaders
and i need mentors
i have been asking for them
and they have yet to appear the way i can recognize.
i know i have to first quiet my own discourse to see it
to feel it.
and i'm on my way.
but sometimes my own feet don't move fast enough...
