my girl is..

anything than i thought she'd be
she's stronger than superman
she's lighter than a shadow of light
she's smarter than under dog and wonder woman the same

the girl has more on anybody than fishnets
on a drag queen or dancer in a dark hall.

she can mesmerize me with her logic
and she can woo me with her wonder
she's one of a kind in a million.

i like to work it loud
on my drums
in my voice
and with my swaying body to a mismatched rhythm

but she's there
winking at me from the basement stairs
on her way up
so aware
of what's going on
so in line with where i'm at
in the moment of release.

i can't forget that what i got is
better than what's out there
she's a believer and an advocate of
everything inside of me.

to her i owe so much.

my love,
my back
my everything.

as she sleeps upstairs amidst my yells of release in some top 40 song
with the dogs uneasy of my angst
i realize
finally
that i have someone who gets this
gets me


and that's everything

my girl is...

my normative..

the last thing before her death that she said was- i'm going to freshen up then i'll be back to suck you dry.

it was that that has stuck with me-
i am besieged by moments like these that represent both insightfullness and ignorance.

i am left with a feeling of despair-
not only in her death
but in the the lack of awakening-
at birth we lose ourselves as we evolve and subscribe to the awkward residence of being human.
i left the darkness of that stage disappointed with myself and everyone i've ever come across because we blindly and willingly lose ourselves to the status quo.

no one challenges the indoctrinated canon anymore.
no one thinks this is all madness to such degrees that they'd rather be blind than to witness such disgrace done to and amongst us.

i am one of "them" and one of "those"
and i hate that.

i hate that my chest is tight whenever someone and something creative breaks open and challenges the so called typical life that i've come to live. i cower to the outsider and seek the shelter of my fellow conformers.
i recognize that my creativity is so boxed- at least what i reveal to the world.
i challenge myself and i fall to the wayside of typical time and time again.

it's not about clothes,
it's not about purposely not using commas-
it's not about feeling like i have to maintain a certain weight to be loved by my lover-
it's not about being polite and feeling obligated to make others comfortable
and it's not about giving a shit whether what i say is kosher enough for the ears that over hear and secretly check in on what i'm saying and how i deliver my message.

i have become a product.
i have become another voice piece for brands.
i have become exactly what they want me to be.
which is nothing.
which is predictable.
which is not the real me.

i was born to a place where i was like everyone else
and i was raised in a place where few looked or acted like me-
yet somehow i have found my sub culture
blends nicely within the masses.

we are political
we are educated
we have opinions
and we are creative

yet somewhere along the lines
we gave in
and gave up
on trying to beat the big boxes
and the big white males
that already had a plan for us

and that was to be exotic,
and to have false impressions of ourselves
and our sisters
and to feel like our own bodies
were not truly ours-
but
available
and purposeful
only if someone could buy our ideas and our minds
and our bodies..

i am angry that i have so willingly given in to this idea
that america-
that loving women
and saying what i have to say as i have learned my truth
out loud is shameful
or likely to get me deported
or likely to get me punished for no other reason than to scare me back into my place.

i need
i want to change who i am
in this
i want to change who i have become
i want to claim myself
for myself
and only me
and be beautiful in my way and no others.

but mostly i want to undo the submission
and the lackluster life that i have come to represent
not just in theory but in every way..
that i know and don't know how..

fuck the establishment
fuck everyone who gives up
and takes the easy way out
fuck you for giving me few options
and telling me there is no other way
i will continue to find the way that is true to me
true to this
and true at all...