been away for a while now
due mostly to not finding any sort of stride
but something snapped today
something was bent too far and it broke
and now things are moving again.
moving again thank goodness..
it is possible to have a lot to tell her
without having much to say?
the years of silence have made a stranger of us
but something shifted
and swayed
and settled
and now we are left with some big silence
that no conversation will conquer
my emotional lineage
has surpassed this
and i can't map out the bridge from the past to the present...
i heard about a friend who is dying.
her smile
and memory has been constantly on my mind
i cannot grasp her reality.
it doesn't make sense
that i witnessed the moment she found the inevitable.
standing there in the kitchen touching her ribs
claiming that there was some sort of bump that she found.
little did she know
little did we all know..
how do angry little girls grow up?
especially the lonely ones.
i worry for the 9 year old that wasn't lost in me
but just might be forever lost in her.
what does a child know anyway?
way more than she should by this time...
i heard a story from someone about the way things
get in the way of compassion-
what happened to comfortable adults?
somehow we learned to cope with love by chasing away lovers with a bottle
hating where we ended up
and hating the one we married even more.
i asked her if there was a severance of bonds
and in her way she said yes
even though i knew she really meant no...
right now i'm in love with the idea of a couple of women who thrill me and stir me up.
there's some semblance in each of them
one of them is closer to my reality than the other
but i like that the one who drew me in to the other is a complete stranger.
someday we might have a favorite song
or maybe we'll never get the chance to sit in the same room to listen to it-
i'm fine exploring this strange attraction to the impossible...
things that i've noticed today excite me
as if spring has come late to my world.
i never much thought of humming until now
it seems as if those little things that move so slow
that aren't noticeable if you don't see the trajectory of their movement-
have somehow taken a detour through my visual and spiritual field.
i see things more clearly and that is exactly where i want to be...
someone asked me to recall a lover
and how she was with me
i didn't lie when i said i don't remember the intimacy that was between us back then.
i do remember that she didn't shutter the way that she does now.
i'm regretting that i didn't advise her to be more gentle when she breaks her heart-
oh the confusion of she and her and them and they..
it makes perfect sense to me
each of the pronouns and adjectives-
because they all equal love on some level.
even if they those levels are hard is distinguish...
happy in my purging i let it all fall easily from my limbic thoughts
into the everywhere and no where just the same.
