ricochet...

all of this time
the one thing that serves as a reminder is time itself.

things have changed
people have changed
lives are here
loves are there
and my hands are growing softer-
too soft for a woman my age.

things come alive as the seasons change
creativity
perspective
warmth
a lover's secret smile
haunting me in my every waking moment

i've been noticing noise more these days
quiet all around me
i sit in my space and listen for the quiet
but all i hear is noise

out loud
out side
the snow falls
the sheets gather around my body
i sleep more soundly
with the dogs around me
and her beside me
shoulder to shoulder
bodies intertwined more perfectly than any act of god- as perfect as she can be.

i have been carrying many stories in my palms
and sharing them a little bit at a time
stories of fires that have been walked through
ways of thinking that have gotten me this far
and some of the downfalls that made me who i am

she listens
as i speak
and we learn a little more each time about what it is that is between us.

as she tells me where she's been
i fall a little bit more
for those green eyes that change color depending on her mood
and the spaces she's been in her head.
i learn a little bit more each time about what this thing is between us

we carve out a little more space and safety for one another to fit inside of
and the time caresses more from our tiny hands

i like to think that this time of year forces us to slow down
and notice more around us
about us
inside of us

it certainly has my attention
and this time i want to make the most of what i've been given and what i find
because just as it is and always will be;
change will come and my hands will harden and my palms will close
and my company will evolve
just as i will

that is why i share what i can
when i can
with those around me
so the mystery is not lost on us-
the things that are visible
must be remembered just as those things invisible are felt...

mother not to be...

in the spotlight i look for some protection
this weight of things bigger than me makes me feel inside out
crawling around and in motion
i'm looking for what i'm feeling right now

something new has been triggered
it comes in news of births and people making the transition from best friends to mothers
the shift of her face is evident
on the video
and in the pictures
she looks whole now
she looks calm

eating dinner across from a two year old
and feeling her little eyes pour over me and what i am

smiling at those brown eyes
curious and full

it took her a while to release me from her visual grip
inside those moments i kept meeting her eyes and looking for myself in them
that was me i said
under my breath
that was me 34 years ago

what has the time made of me?
the only thing that has changed
is my age

not the memory

something broke inside me a little bit right there at the table
where i was surrounded by strangers turned family

something that lives on the surface of my emotion
something i can't shake as hard as i try
it remains there and won't let me go.

i started thinking
with all this around me
and i recognized that it was about this time that i was conceived
and i wondered if i ever cross your mind

it was in mid october that my life forever changed
the signature of a mother turned stranger proved to be the severing of the person i was not born to become
i have learned to just accept all that i will never know
but sometimes there in the quiet moments
and new lives that come into mine
i am reminded of my beginning
and it makes me think of my end
and how in a lot of ways i've carried on the idea of severance
i have chosen to not be a mother to a child who will bring me closer to those i no longer recall
i have emotionally kept myself at such great heights
that no one can really penetrate my emotion at will
the laborious climb makes some tired
and the waiting has made me impatient

still i climb my indestructible ladder
because i recognize the precarious edges
and the slippery slopes

i don't use any map because i don't have one
and though i might be falling a little bit in love
i fight the urge to lay down and stop climbing
so she can reach me
because something inside of me tells me she's good for the climb
just as something is telling her that i'm good for the climb to her

and somehow inside this sadness of memories
and moments
and new little lives
i remember it's all ok
because it has always been ok
and because i know in my bones that i have survived the hardest parts
and those emotions that live on the surface
they will always remain
as the reminder that i have travelled so far
and still have so far yet to go...

invincible invisible girl...

she's been on my mind a lot lately
and i've been a little disconnected
feeling a little ajar
and it doesn't make sense until
i'm not thinking
then it hits me

you, my universal traveller now
keeper of the memories
it was the date i missed
but didn't really miss
it has been two years
since the last night that i saw you

you came to me in a dream a couple nights ago
the exact vision i can't recall but i felt you around me
and i slept better than i have in a long time

had i known that night was our last goodbye i don't know that i would have done anything different
i told you how you felt to me
i told you that i admired you
and said more about me and my life than i ever had before
and you
you told me your secrets too.
maybe i wouldn't have been so full on the bottle that night
and maybe i would have come seen you at work the next day like you asked
but we were never really good at keeping those verbal plans
or even planned ones

i'll always wonder what would have happened had i followed through that date we had- that night in December
the week i was so sick
you said you had even picked out your outfit
it was on your bed
never worn
never seen

we never really got a good shot after that
always missing the moment like sloppy borrachas.
we were good like that i guess

i miss you sometimes which amounts to more than less
and there's nobody singing to me in my dreams like you do
i'm glad you've reserved that spot for my eternity
i like the sentiment
and the smile you always give me

soon it will be your two year anniversary and
i don't know what i'm gonna do that day
i don't know if i'll want to get out of bed
i don't know if i'll want to sleep all day
i don't know if i'll want re-live
remember
or be reminded of the time that has passed

i want the day to pass through
and i want to hold on to what i've got left of you
that's all i want to do.
that's all i'll ever want to do-
till we take on the wind again and fly...