moments set asunder...

i miss playing the piano
and the heat of your body as you sat next to me
playing some off rhythm representation of annie's the sun will come out tomorrow.

but this isn't about you
it's about some fleeting memory that hits me every time i hear certain songs
that were finished.
that weren't ended or quit abruptly.

something about kissing and spitting white noise reminds
me of matt and the dog house.
i remember the smell and feel of his wet mouth on mine.
i remember not being very bothered by this boy
or any of the others that came after that-
i was merely a fish finding my water
a boulder finding the sand within.

watching the movie
reminded me of my own story
of anguish and confusion.
what i wanted was not what i wanted.
i just didn't know any better
i just didn't feel any different.

standing here looking back
i was marie and you were my floriane.
i just don't know why you have denied me and my questions for the last 22 years.
i search your name and even found a man who i thought was your husband
but he tells me he's never been married nor known anyone by your name.

i guess i will just have to live without closure
as i have many times before and many times since.

on a sunny day i remember how i wondered who i was and how i came to be this-me.
i never held judgement other than when i felt the cold eyes from others-
people called family
people called ignorant
people who still live inside their own lies

and today i am full
i am sure
i have had my closure
that i was waiting all along for.

being connected physically though more mentally to so many people who know and don't know me
is awkward-
stilted at most
and makes a plethora of emotion surge through me as i try to recreate and reconnect those ties that weren't necessarily severed but more or less forgotten.
i try to be myself -
the part of me that lives out loud
and the part of me that is so inward.
i give up trying to understand and appease
and give in to being the woman i am today.

i wonder about what would have happened if i had stayed
in all the places that oppressed and repressed me
i shudder in thoughts of being forced to be any different

there is fire in this belly
that keeps a steady burning in my life
and
in my love
i wonder how much i could have withstood
of lying to those cheerleaders
or those football players who were merely sillhouttes of indoctrinated gender roles.

i am forever going to be in love with the memories of moments of defiance
images of playing football with the boys on that gravel playground
my girl scout sash blowing against my androgynous, lanky body.
memories of punching grayson scott in the face as i ran back to home base across the creek-
he, an enemy for being a boy
me, being a bully because i was an aggressive girl.

move forward to images of standing up for a woman being hit by her abusive boyfriend
fighting fire with fire though the fire that stood in front of me was 6'2.

it pays be fearful of invisible things and not things that actually pose a threat.

all of those bits merely remind me that i'm right where i need to be.
and the people whose eyes cross over me are more meant to be seen by me.

still i struggle to bridge the gap of past and present
even as i consciously choose to merge the two.

ok- i somehow lost focus and what i meant to say
but i guess this letter to no one and each and everyone at the same time
forces me to recognize that as much as the past is a hard spot to lean on for long
and destined to break me
i can still miss it
for what it was and wasn't.

i wish my floriane and my matt and the countless others would have said it's ok-
as they took a little piece of me
but in the end i am ok
and better for the confusion and
self exploitation.

turning inside out is sometimes the only way to be right side in...

the names of girls...

eyes itching
rubbing something out
wondering if this sick that has a hold of me represents what i have taken in

the confusion of others is a heavy bag to hold
the anger even heavier
my back is sore from sitting this way
but i know it's the only way i can see out
and over you

i don't think you are aware of my watching
but that's more about you than me

i have always been watching out

something about windows and waiting seems familiar to me
i never quite knew who it was i was expecting to see other than someone who was late to show up
years late
lifetimes late

but just the same i wait with the same amount of eagerness as the first day.

i have been reminded in many corners of other's lives
of you
your eyes
and your smooth ease
i think it is somehow your way of letting me know that you're still around me

i'm pretty sure that my peripheral doesn't lie
and that things i don't see in front of me are more clear to the side of me

isn't that the hidden truth to life?

i mentioned your name today while with a new stranger who has become more familiar than she was a week ago
and i told your story-
how you had demons that you couldn't shake
and that for years you practiced your ultimate demise-
in words and actions.
it wasn't that people stopped listening to your threats but that
they were merely taking in a sigh of relief when you decided without really deciding that it was time to succumb.

i didn't tell her that i read your words after you were gone and how open you were about
the words that lived inside you
that were full of heavy letters and an aching heart.
i didn't tell her that i all but stopped writing after you complimented me on my words that so few get to see but that you took the time to look at

i thought there was some symbolic damnation in the way you looked at the words i wrote and the fact that i didn't comment on your words that you begged the world to see and respond to- until after you were gone..
yeah, i left that part out
just as i have left it out up until now.

but something in telling your story made something come full circle-
the recognition that both of us shouldn't be silent when one of us still has the ability to let it go.

when i think of you i think of water.
and the way that when the sun hits it just right it makes an echo effect of the under tow.
that you loved.
and lived.

and when i think of you i think of darkness.
and how there were places that no light could penetrate.
that you couldn't force.
or live with.

and when i think of all the things inside of me
i think of color
and how i'm starved without it.

i think about these itching eyes
this achy body
and the runny nose
and i think of how to let go.

like all things
i am here to wait
and to witness.
and tell the stories that pass through me
as they merely represent what i have taken in...

segments of a time with you...

soon the days will rewind and settle back to remind of us where we were
last year
at this time.

the familiar smells surround
the chill has returned
and we are still walking
passed your house

and hoping you will notice.

she's bigger now
i'm older
and you are beside us

one year anniversary falls
and we struggle to believe
that time has passed us by like this

we laugh
and love
with such fury sometimes
that i can't believe our little bodies can withstand

a love like ours.

my days evolve
my dreams evolve
and i can't imagine anything
without you.

you force the cliche out of my world
and the breath of me is thankful

i settle on you and the wonder of your gentility
and i am so full of emotion.
you give me space, my love
a perfect distance
between finding myself
and holding you

you have taught me
how to both share light
and shine it.
your love
is boundless
and next to that is
my love
which covers the expanse of you

together we move through this time
that we have been given
and my hope is that we will continue
until we become ageless
and time ceases to be measurable.

for you my love
i will be-
as in love
and imperfect
and perfect

and open to the light that you bring...

to pass time..

all this talk
all this denying
all the defense with no real pretense

i leave you for a while
then i come around to see
if any of the mistakes have taken a toll

you know us
you know this
you know how it will end
but you don't want to share the plot

of why.

you keep us at bay
you force us to play this guessing game
for no reason
other than because you get something from the supposed point your making

we've all taken a turn
we've called
we've listened
to this reality based on some distorted point of view
that you have subscribed to for several decades

you hold
and you hold
on to the things that no one remembers
you hear things
and you make them up
just to paint the picture

sightless
and out of touch
you behold
this forceful
state of existence
to pass the time

we watch
and we wonder
just what you are doing behind those walls

it feels
and it feels more like
a barricade you hide behind

we force our hand
and we force our emotion
to go noticed
but you have forced
each and everyone one
past the point
of half blind

what do i say
what do i say
to all that is
here in the proverbial daughters lap

you have helped me
with complete disregard
to swallow these mistakes that you have made
and continue to hold yourself to
and sit and witness
these mistakes
turn you
turn you
away

and it starts to feel like a barricade.

this is your last rhetorical degradation
you are not going to give up completely
until you feel we've been punished enough
for the years of isolation you feel you've been subjected to in our name

listen to this mother
listen to this

what you fight never had a face
she never had a name
he never said 'i do'
and these children don't exist

there are no more tears

these are the mistakes we hold

the politics of family never was as sightless
all it took was the will to abstain
from blame..

you know us
you know us

and now you keep us away...

just like that.

Wisdom comes with age,
but sometimes age comes alone...

~anonymous

texts after my nap...

i feel myself attaching to the idea that i can still save her-
with small talk.
then i'm reminded of
an
emotional responsibility to myself and the idea of not basing my happiness
on something outside my control

the end.

certificate of proof...

it's funny how in times of need a person attaches to an idea or person-
something to help lead them out of a place of darkness

i am not sure what to attach to really
other than the idea itself...