segments of a time with you...

soon the days will rewind and settle back to remind of us where we were
last year
at this time.

the familiar smells surround
the chill has returned
and we are still walking
passed your house

and hoping you will notice.

she's bigger now
i'm older
and you are beside us

one year anniversary falls
and we struggle to believe
that time has passed us by like this

we laugh
and love
with such fury sometimes
that i can't believe our little bodies can withstand

a love like ours.

my days evolve
my dreams evolve
and i can't imagine anything
without you.

you force the cliche out of my world
and the breath of me is thankful

i settle on you and the wonder of your gentility
and i am so full of emotion.
you give me space, my love
a perfect distance
between finding myself
and holding you

you have taught me
how to both share light
and shine it.
your love
is boundless
and next to that is
my love
which covers the expanse of you

together we move through this time
that we have been given
and my hope is that we will continue
until we become ageless
and time ceases to be measurable.

for you my love
i will be-
as in love
and imperfect
and perfect

and open to the light that you bring...

to pass time..

all this talk
all this denying
all the defense with no real pretense

i leave you for a while
then i come around to see
if any of the mistakes have taken a toll

you know us
you know this
you know how it will end
but you don't want to share the plot

of why.

you keep us at bay
you force us to play this guessing game
for no reason
other than because you get something from the supposed point your making

we've all taken a turn
we've called
we've listened
to this reality based on some distorted point of view
that you have subscribed to for several decades

you hold
and you hold
on to the things that no one remembers
you hear things
and you make them up
just to paint the picture

sightless
and out of touch
you behold
this forceful
state of existence
to pass the time

we watch
and we wonder
just what you are doing behind those walls

it feels
and it feels more like
a barricade you hide behind

we force our hand
and we force our emotion
to go noticed
but you have forced
each and everyone one
past the point
of half blind

what do i say
what do i say
to all that is
here in the proverbial daughters lap

you have helped me
with complete disregard
to swallow these mistakes that you have made
and continue to hold yourself to
and sit and witness
these mistakes
turn you
turn you
away

and it starts to feel like a barricade.

this is your last rhetorical degradation
you are not going to give up completely
until you feel we've been punished enough
for the years of isolation you feel you've been subjected to in our name

listen to this mother
listen to this

what you fight never had a face
she never had a name
he never said 'i do'
and these children don't exist

there are no more tears

these are the mistakes we hold

the politics of family never was as sightless
all it took was the will to abstain
from blame..

you know us
you know us

and now you keep us away...

just like that.

Wisdom comes with age,
but sometimes age comes alone...

~anonymous

texts after my nap...

i feel myself attaching to the idea that i can still save her-
with small talk.
then i'm reminded of
an
emotional responsibility to myself and the idea of not basing my happiness
on something outside my control

the end.

certificate of proof...

it's funny how in times of need a person attaches to an idea or person-
something to help lead them out of a place of darkness

i am not sure what to attach to really
other than the idea itself...

fragmented...two mothers

Preface:
He came to me in a dream and i asked him what would come of you and he said- Mother is a lost soul on a long, dark highway.. these words comfort me in that i know what i must do now..

Dear Mama-
there have been many lessons i've had to learn about the ties that bind a mother and daughter
many lessons about what sort of woman i wanted to be

living and learning from your mistakes
picking and choosing which parts i would hold on to
and what parts i wanted to release and forget.

i have to remember that this is your first time in this sort of role-
there were few cues or tips for you to grow from
your example taught you what not to be-
my example has taught me both hard and easy lessons about what to be.

i've had to learn many of those lessons from within the space of an absent mother
i've had to learn to forgive
and how to love blindly
and mostly
how to love with doubt.

for as many years as i can recall i've had to live with a love that i loosely extended towards you
never within grasp of each other
we have danced inside a tumultuous rhythm
out of step
and out of touch.

i have made decisions on how not to emulate you
and have made the best parts of you my foundation.

yet for so long i've been on my own-
learning my lessons from a forfeited presence.

Dear Mama
my biggest lesson of all has been learning to forgive you
for succumbing to merely existing rather than living.

i never learned how to accept a wasted chance-
though i have had many of my own

through it all
the one thing i've held on to
was the fact that there are lessons to be learned-
you seemed to stop listening to those lessons
or even showing up to life.

it's been many years that i have worked on forgiving you
and accepting that i can not make you care
i can not care enough for you to make you well

i am resigned, with a broken heart,
to witness your failure of believing
in yourself
or that you deserve more-

your final testament to prove that life is not worth living
is the hardest lesson to learn Mama

but as i let go of you
i grab ahold of my life and the love that i've been blessed with
and i hold it a little closer

because Mama
you taught me that.

faded opus...

i sit amidst the chilled air and wet floor beneath me
dogs moving, excited, and my eyes fall on your image
and words related to you

a sisters response
a picture in the corner of my eye

you..

and i recall hearing the sadness in my lover's voice last night as she recalled how she forgot that it is the anniversary this week of a friend's death

and i think of you

and how these sorts of things should never happen.

too soon
they all say.

you had a smile that was so gentle
and a rhythm i witnessed a few times only
your brief passions exposed though few ever took notice-
the way i did.

i think of you and her and him and the others who have crossed paths with the ceaseless dis- ease

how it must've felt to have release from that i can only imagine
i find comprehension in the letting go
that is all i have left

you were unbreakable i believe
you merely had to lay down to ease the agony.

i grapple with a mother
who has been lying on the floor for years.
more years than i care to remember
and i sit and wait

for the day
she recognizes that she is unbreakable
but must finally lay down...