the closest distance...

heavy things fall in the smallest places
everyone is feeling this one

long drives and discouraged words
he tells me that the world is not worth the worry

she's looking for some sort of recognition in my words
and i'm looking for something in her memory.
she fills mine with hers

somebody said that reassurance can be the most important thing you can give someone.
somehow that eluded me
i think i've given her that
now
i am not quite sure how 6 years went by with a failure on my part to give her that-
i'm learning
slowly

slowly

we pick up things and we place them in new places
this is the same for matters of the heart

i think we've come to a new understanding
even if the lines are blurry and crooked at times

he calls too much and is reasonably needy for a man his age
he married his dreams
but failed to see the woman inside them who didn't share the same principles

he's alone
again
and somehow turns to me

and those lines i've drawn
get stepped over
and ignored
and i'm not sure how much of it is oblivion
or lonleiness at it's rawest

regardless i push him further than he'd like to be.

i reassure her that i loved her
and tell her i still love her immensely
she's finding that the woman she was is now opposite
and she gets where i was a little better
this sort of honesty is what we've needed for a long time

and i promise to keep her at the shortest distance

a long drive home
with a sore culo
and heavy heart

she's looking for the part of her that has been fragmented, broken from the core of her
she's anything but reset tonight
i didn't reassure of her anything other than my time
that was a mistake
i should have said more
so she knows i'm here unconditionally

she traveled far from me
a long distance in miles
and even further in emotion

she will come back to me
when she's ready
when she's more complete

it's an interesting thing when reason
trumps
a desired reality
it's anything and everything
almost
the tie without the label
the intent without premeditation

she falls
and i pick her up
no questions asked

i'm getting better at this
practice of reassurance
it has to do with the heavy things
falling in small places

and keeping the most sacred things at the closet distance...

visitor...

as i sit beneath the sign that reads Gonda 3 South i am forced to witness impermanence
and how fragile we are.

you are in some cold room laying atop some cold glass tube that gives away all the secrets your body holds-
how is it that we can see through our physical beings yet have no clue about what it is that we are thinking and feeling?

as i sit here in this faux- cheery but really just mediocre room amongst many old white faces-
one face catches my eye.
a young woman, my age or maybe younger
sits in a wheelchair
she stares out the window at the vast sky interrupted by the old stone buildings which are disrupted by the newer, shiny ones trying to steal our glimpses

she is here for a reason-
perhaps her body is hiding from her the information that could make her well.

something in me is reminded that our lives are given,
they are not guaranteed-
we are lucky to have this opportunity and chance to be who we are in this lifetime.
to take this time and our well being for granted
is simply ignorant.

the message couldn't be any more clear to me as the full room suddenly is cleared.
no one is around me any more.
i am alone.
those who have come to be poked,
prodded
and looked through
are erased from my witness eyes.
i am a visitor here.

i am intact.

i have no clue of what it feels like to carry around something that is bigger,
stronger,
and more powerful than my physical resolve.

this awakens me to the choices,
the luck,
the blessing i have been given with this body

the aches
and cracks
and occasional fatigue
are my reminder that it is a body-
with an expiration date,
perhaps already stamped on the inside.

i am lucky
and wiser
from this experience.

she sends me texts from the other side
telling me what she must drink,
so that they can see her more clearly
- a freeze frame of her body-
inside that tube.

she is hoping for some information-
some clue
that reveals what monster is now lurking within her bowels.

i have a feeling they won't see the pain or the fear inside her-
they may not see the monster either
but they look
and we all hope
that they are seeing more clearly today
than yesterday...

a celebration of specialness...

I really look forward to forgetting the details- because only by forgetting can I see things again as they really are.

as paraphrased by me from David Bryne "True Stories"

ricochet...

all of this time
the one thing that serves as a reminder is time itself.

things have changed
people have changed
lives are here
loves are there
and my hands are growing softer-
too soft for a woman my age.

things come alive as the seasons change
creativity
perspective
warmth
a lover's secret smile
haunting me in my every waking moment

i've been noticing noise more these days
quiet all around me
i sit in my space and listen for the quiet
but all i hear is noise

out loud
out side
the snow falls
the sheets gather around my body
i sleep more soundly
with the dogs around me
and her beside me
shoulder to shoulder
bodies intertwined more perfectly than any act of god- as perfect as she can be.

i have been carrying many stories in my palms
and sharing them a little bit at a time
stories of fires that have been walked through
ways of thinking that have gotten me this far
and some of the downfalls that made me who i am

she listens
as i speak
and we learn a little more each time about what it is that is between us.

as she tells me where she's been
i fall a little bit more
for those green eyes that change color depending on her mood
and the spaces she's been in her head.
i learn a little bit more each time about what this thing is between us

we carve out a little more space and safety for one another to fit inside of
and the time caresses more from our tiny hands

i like to think that this time of year forces us to slow down
and notice more around us
about us
inside of us

it certainly has my attention
and this time i want to make the most of what i've been given and what i find
because just as it is and always will be;
change will come and my hands will harden and my palms will close
and my company will evolve
just as i will

that is why i share what i can
when i can
with those around me
so the mystery is not lost on us-
the things that are visible
must be remembered just as those things invisible are felt...

mother not to be...

in the spotlight i look for some protection
this weight of things bigger than me makes me feel inside out
crawling around and in motion
i'm looking for what i'm feeling right now

something new has been triggered
it comes in news of births and people making the transition from best friends to mothers
the shift of her face is evident
on the video
and in the pictures
she looks whole now
she looks calm

eating dinner across from a two year old
and feeling her little eyes pour over me and what i am

smiling at those brown eyes
curious and full

it took her a while to release me from her visual grip
inside those moments i kept meeting her eyes and looking for myself in them
that was me i said
under my breath
that was me 34 years ago

what has the time made of me?
the only thing that has changed
is my age

not the memory

something broke inside me a little bit right there at the table
where i was surrounded by strangers turned family

something that lives on the surface of my emotion
something i can't shake as hard as i try
it remains there and won't let me go.

i started thinking
with all this around me
and i recognized that it was about this time that i was conceived
and i wondered if i ever cross your mind

it was in mid october that my life forever changed
the signature of a mother turned stranger proved to be the severing of the person i was not born to become
i have learned to just accept all that i will never know
but sometimes there in the quiet moments
and new lives that come into mine
i am reminded of my beginning
and it makes me think of my end
and how in a lot of ways i've carried on the idea of severance
i have chosen to not be a mother to a child who will bring me closer to those i no longer recall
i have emotionally kept myself at such great heights
that no one can really penetrate my emotion at will
the laborious climb makes some tired
and the waiting has made me impatient

still i climb my indestructible ladder
because i recognize the precarious edges
and the slippery slopes

i don't use any map because i don't have one
and though i might be falling a little bit in love
i fight the urge to lay down and stop climbing
so she can reach me
because something inside of me tells me she's good for the climb
just as something is telling her that i'm good for the climb to her

and somehow inside this sadness of memories
and moments
and new little lives
i remember it's all ok
because it has always been ok
and because i know in my bones that i have survived the hardest parts
and those emotions that live on the surface
they will always remain
as the reminder that i have travelled so far
and still have so far yet to go...

invincible invisible girl...

she's been on my mind a lot lately
and i've been a little disconnected
feeling a little ajar
and it doesn't make sense until
i'm not thinking
then it hits me

you, my universal traveller now
keeper of the memories
it was the date i missed
but didn't really miss
it has been two years
since the last night that i saw you

you came to me in a dream a couple nights ago
the exact vision i can't recall but i felt you around me
and i slept better than i have in a long time

had i known that night was our last goodbye i don't know that i would have done anything different
i told you how you felt to me
i told you that i admired you
and said more about me and my life than i ever had before
and you
you told me your secrets too.
maybe i wouldn't have been so full on the bottle that night
and maybe i would have come seen you at work the next day like you asked
but we were never really good at keeping those verbal plans
or even planned ones

i'll always wonder what would have happened had i followed through that date we had- that night in December
the week i was so sick
you said you had even picked out your outfit
it was on your bed
never worn
never seen

we never really got a good shot after that
always missing the moment like sloppy borrachas.
we were good like that i guess

i miss you sometimes which amounts to more than less
and there's nobody singing to me in my dreams like you do
i'm glad you've reserved that spot for my eternity
i like the sentiment
and the smile you always give me

soon it will be your two year anniversary and
i don't know what i'm gonna do that day
i don't know if i'll want to get out of bed
i don't know if i'll want to sleep all day
i don't know if i'll want re-live
remember
or be reminded of the time that has passed

i want the day to pass through
and i want to hold on to what i've got left of you
that's all i want to do.
that's all i'll ever want to do-
till we take on the wind again and fly...

the dismantled tribe...

i remember it to be much brighter
and i sit here trying to imagine this
and
i try to explain how the emotions don't quite fit the moment
i recognize that i won't be able to escape this for a while

i look up and recall
that looking down it must appear to be much different.

could you stay for a while

could you be me for a while

would you feel this for a while

the tenses won't make this any easier to decipher

i'm telling you it won't make it any better

the silence of the darkness has been punctured yet again

what do they think of us

the coast was clear the day we got here

we offered our fry bread
we made an offering to the world of strangers
in peace
thinking it would make sense if we did things right

the first time around

now it's just a big mess on our little reservation
that was never as much reserved as it was reversed

the peace pipes have been replaced by the bottle of the white man's demons that have now become our own

the chanting has been replaced by hollering and screaming

and fighting the authorities that are just another reminder of the oppression

i have lost my way

and no number of indians in my house is going to bring home back to me

we live beside you neighbor

a dismantled tribe

we shatter your sleep
and disrupt your dreams of materialistic wealth

we bring the lights to your bedroom walls

we bring the loud humming of fire engines
and ambulances

not because we have been assaulted by your decency or your fires

no

we have become unrecognizable to our children who swear in the alleys

and litter the ears of the children with curses and threats

i offered the children a gift of movement

and i haven't seen them since

i have spoken in their circle and square patched rented space
and asked for entrance to wander through the yard

i wandered back and didn't feel the presence of the hands of saints or animal spirits

i am broken too i whisper through the screened window as they holler below in the night and wake me from my dizzying dream of a motherless world

i shut the blind
and remember this isn't what i imagined it would be
i was handed the freedom that was inherently theirs

my skin bleeds the same hues but in my history we fought different wars

us

this dismantled tribe

we cannot be complete
when you are not

we cannot get there quicker
with the bending that has caused you to break

i could almost like you
if i could make sense of this hopelessness

who's going to come find you

i remember it to be much brighter
and i sit here trying to imagine this
and
i try to explain how the emotions don't quite fit the moment
i recognize that i won't be able to escape this for a while

like mabye for another 400 years...