my day...

it's my big day
or not really
if you think birthdays are just another day
but to me it's a reminder
and a reason to reach deeper into my intention

i like to reflect on the previous year, my 35th
and think about what i want to do better
or learn in my new year, my 36th

as i lay here in bed on my day
reading poetry
feeling sore and stiff
i open the window and take in
the unmistakable smell of mountain air
i can see them from where i lay

sun sending shadows down on the paisley bedspread
birds singing their songs which i'll never know the words to
i recognize myself as content

content with my reflections of the year passed
and happy with the new year ahead of me

i think the new year will be about transition
physical transition
i want to move more
into new spaces
i want to breathe in new air
of mountains
cities
and lovers.

i feel the heavy thoughts of parents i never knew
who must undoubtedly be thinking of a daughter today
and i let those thoughts move through me and out

i feel so fortunate to be loved by so many wonderful people
and am glad that every person has their own day to feel this special

this moment is perfect
there is no better way to be
than content on my day...

undone by my muse...

8.12.09

it’s a cauterized sort of love
I walk around with a basic level of understanding that you know
You know my ultimate intention

From the mouths of strangers
You hear of your newest stranger-turned friends’ strange love
Anything but
But in reality
My reality that is…
I’ve been waiting for years
Only to have given my own drunken testimony
To those you call family..

I surmise a future based on the past that has lasted roughly as long as the sun has been up today.
I won’t be outdone in (by) this
I won’t be undone.

Not to be outdone by myself
My ego
And my pride
my recovery of good judgment
Demands an isolation of my words
Of my heart…
Until you(ve) leave (left)

Then it comes rushing
Rushing
And I find I’m submerged in this illusion
Of you and I
And this love you’ve yet to recognize as true

Thinly veiled intentions go unnoticed it seems
Yet the way we embraced

You held me
That was no illusion
I felt your arms
And your body
Next to mine

You didn’t let go
The way I did
You held on a little longer, love

So I think of the things that I missed the first time around
I practice the art of reliving
And I think of your smile
And your hair
And your body
Lying next to me
In the sun
In the bed
On the beach
Beneath a million stars
And even more grains of sand

I surmise a future based on the past that has lasted roughly as long as the sun has been up today.
I won’t be outdone in (by) this
I won’t be undone

Maybe someday I will have the chance
To be irresistible to you
Maybe someday
Maybe someday
I won’t come undone around you and then you'll know...

the thing which can't be undone...

last night you said..
in between the laughs
and the food
and the slight overtones with the hands
which were interspersed with the leftover emotions of guilt,
pleasure
and sorrow
that have been tucked neatly within the
day dreaming
and hopes
of what someday could bring
which were sprinkled with family
and new beginnings
and you cutting
your locks
after all
this
time-

some photographs full of new memories to come
and the new lovers
which
aren't
so new
after all.

we were traipsing
in the middle of the new faces
and the new spaces
and the places that your family
will soon own
and we sat down at that table
the one that has the fingerprints of many holidays
and evenings that we finessed our way through

as lovers
and friends
and barely acquaintances..

and you stood
beside me

in front of the mirror
and you wore that ring
that was a promise, unkept
years ago
and said-
put this ring on my finger again and tell me you want to spend the rest of your life with me...

that my love
is not something i can say to you at this time...
the words fell
like years of of your heavy locks on the floor
we scooped them up,
tied them neatly in a bunch
laid the scissors across them

which represented the occasion
of a severing-
of emotions
history
intention
and
what's to come...

rooms of the mind...

7.23.09

God only knows what you’ve given me-
Despite the fact that your coloring has faded away
I still learn lessons from you
Sometimes while awake on airplanes and
Sometimes in the quiet just before the sun fades to darkness

Reminders in most places of who you were
And who I have come to be-
Sorrily incomplete
these aspects are

Surely I am still in transition
And you-
Perhaps you have found a new journey

Still I try to piece together all the tiny fragments
It takes removing myself from the spaces I hold most dear
Only to find places even more sacred
In spaces outside that are so wide and vast
They leave little room for bad wisdom

I come away more clear
More secure in my footing and perspective
There is little room for the spaces self denial occupies
The certainty is there
It is here

And finding a new home in me

I can’t change all the things I’ve said
Or the things that have been done
I can’t change the people I’ve stood beside
Nor the one’s whom I let stand in front of me
I can’t change the names of the lovers I’d held
Or the way we left things unfinished
I can’t change how I’ve hurt you
Or how you left me
I can’t count the ways or times my ego led me through my waking hours
Or the countless times it cost me so much for some cheap thrill

In the end it costs something
Whether it’s integrity, genuinity, truth or love
These lessons leave little room for bad wisdom...

walkin, talkin and gettin high girl...

Something about you-
A taken woman
You are
As well as growing on me.
You are a muse for my wayward mind-
Something intriguing about the way you move and carry yourself and your life
On those tall shoulders of yours.

Soon to be gone
You are-
In and out of my life on that busy street
With ease and a quiet smile you entered
I’m sure you will leave the same way.

I don’t think I have said as many unknowingly insulting things to anyone I barely knew
as much as i did to you-
And both times your reaction was sweet and quietly withholding of the truth you have come to know

I learned a lot from those moments-
Your grace
My ignorance
Your ease
My quick and broad generalizations

Still you invited me to sweat with you in a quiet room
Where things are purged and newness invited in
You invited me to become a better person beside you through movement and intention

And I will never forget that.
You have come to settle in my mind as a sweetness that few come to occupy, behold or otherwise obtain

I thank you for what you have quietly given me-
Proper and otherwise….

leaking fury..

it's about fear
and moving into new spaces in my life
turning out old patterns
and creating more efficient,
honest
new ones
i won't deny that i am falling a part
that i'm spilling about myself
leaking tears and fury on the innocent skin..

love cannot be overheard...

Loosely you don't recognize my truth against anything i've offered you
before now
and i'm not sure how to make you believe me any better
then you have before now
Someone said "don't act like the loyal type if you need to explore
she doesn't need that sort of dis-service again."

i thought of where i've been and how i've represented myself
differently and how i'm trying to make up for misgivings
i've offered in the past

i'm now not sure who i am here to love
other then my heart continues to stop for you

which leads me to believe that i'm here to love someone
though emotions tie me
more
strongly
to her
which makes sense
or not..
will love overheard ever make sense?...