words comprised of letters...

water is wetter
cold is warmer
emptiness is bigger
or is it smaller
than the sum of mistakes i've been holding onto
few know what i hold against myself
fewer could place the truest reason-
wondering what late night dreams i'll spin in her head
perhaps she'll dream of me complete and full
like i was the day i was born
in another life-
to another set of never ending circumstances-
sometimes the loving i pay to lay
closes around me and reminds me that temporary stutters have been bubbling around me for decades
and that bittersweet memory of completeness comes with work that i haven't been doing much of lately-
to sail them away is to first build the boat that carries them away
the only explanation i need is to know that my hands are far too soft to build at this time-
first i must find water..
and the beginning of falling a part..
but as i go i remember falling a part is not bad because it signifies that i view some part of myself as together in some way , shape or form...

Vulnerable-juxtaposed- religions

there it was
there in front of me
my eyes wide like a child's
looking and seeing
something
that spoke to something deep inside me
something that only gets spoken to in the clearest of moments
something that only gets comprehended in the clearest of moments-

so here i am all cried out
searching for something to grab a hold of
someone once told me
i'd find my splintered parts coming together if i visited my birthplace-
someone else told me
home is where you are
that way you are never far from yourself-
i'm looking all around me
looking fro something that makes as much sense as that moment
a place of fire and drums

nothing around me makes the sense i want it to
it's all coded words that mean nothing that fill me with
nothing..

she said that creating creativity is being truly in the moment
being present at all the right times-
sitting here eating a cookie with orange sprinkles on it
seems like some sort of metaphor to the way i've been mostly, up till today-

my mother called me last night
with that loneliness in the back of her voice
i couldn't talk to her
but the sound in her voice haunted my company all night
i woke today thinking of what it is she is paying for in her minutes that are spent in silence-
something big
I figured
someone was really hurt and she's paying dearly for it now-
a spark of anger crossed my heart and i heard her telling me things that she had no
business saying..

as i stretched out
i waited for a solid reason why i can't speak up when i hear that loneliness creeping out of her words over the phone
answering myself
why i turn off when i sense the doom-
then i remembered who the emotional reparations were for-
someone named me..

I walk to the market and speak a little spanish to the people who represent the bigger picture of what i could be-
wondering why i always feel so small when i walk away from them
wondering if they feel the void i'm carrying around in my pocket-
she told me to keep trying in my own way
because there are more out there just like me-
i stop when i'm feeling broken and think about the fire and the drums
and i wonder if i didn't let myself go completely by crying the way I wanted to so badly-
prepping some sort of woman in my head to carry the weight of a thousand sorrows on her back all over again-
when it stops i'm gonna put all the bags down
cause my eyes can see the brighter day ahead
I just keep holding my heart out whenever i think i've found the right spaces to fill it with
but somehow the space is empty before long and i'm out looking again..

how much can i let go so i can live every moment in and of itself
how can i be conscious of myself more
deciding that while i was born with my eyes wide open
i've been slowly closing them every since-
along with the millions of restless souls around me called brothers and sisters-
repenting now for the careless ways i've been treating my spirit lately-
feeding it evilness- cigarettes and drinks that time after time drag me down-
Frozen in my expanse of mistakes i pick up every wrongdoing and try to realize how it's bad for me-
while i'm thinking clearer i'm feeling the wild hope i've got racing around my head.

i'm secretly looking for the complete me
for once i'm not looking for someone else- that will only confuse me more-
so much more could i be confused i know
i'm just trying to hold onto his hand as he raised mine to his head in thanks
i just wanted to hold him and feel the spirit he held-
the rhythm he felt in the drum
the unthreatening warmth he felt as he put his entire body in the flame-

why is that the unseen fires are the hardest to put out and are more visible then an actual flame...

10.21.02

For her...

looking,
but mostly feeling where i am right now
I've crossed a million landscapes in my mind and i'm on my way home-
wanting to rest,
fall into the deepest of sleep and
dream of better things-
Questioning all the angels that have shown me what it is to be real
asking them if i have all that i need to do this-
breaking through ground that i've been over a million times before
only comprehending the miles i've put on my shoes-
looking down at them now i realize that they are not as worn as my heart
that i have been carrying around all this time-

What will i find in this down time?
When will i get past the point of wanting a distraction so badly?
When will i feel the sun that i saw setting in the west- far too soon?
When will the road have more landscape than concrete and dirt?
When will i get the courage to dig deeper in that dirt and find my way back?
Find my way through the fasting i'm doing of love
I never intended to be alone at this point
I guess i never really thought about what it means-
pointing fingers has only gotten me so far
now i'm pointing at myself and no one's arguing
the silence is numbing-

All this time the river of my life has flowed endlessly
with sand dunes to bank upon for years at a time
the same to cover me from the cold winter blowing-
now i'm on an island wondering what i've done all this time
looking for a boat to dock and pick me up
but
nothing's in sight as far as i can see-

Fear comes then subsides-
and the sun rises and then the gods fall asleep
never giving me a clue or even a direction-
one by one i sift through all the possibilities-
what has been
and
what can be
in me

I've stolen a thousand kisses from beautiful women that cover the earth over
only to return to the field that i was born to-
no closer to finding my way through
somewhere through all this time i thought of all the lies and barbed wire fences i've put around my heart-
there have been years that even i couldn't get through to the secrets that i hold so tightly
I've worked to break them open with rocks that have turned to sand-
finding the small of my emotion
carved so delicately in my beating heart

Looking to the stars that give themselves a place night after night
picking one for me and all the people i've ever been
waiting for the one that is me in present
is it the brightest one of them all or is the one that shoots before my eyes only to be lost in the darkness?
I know my place is not so complex to the master of disguise who offers me masks time and time again-
she tells me she'll dance with me no matter who i claim to be when i'm alone-
what is most unsettling i ask myself as i climb
is it the words i've heard
or is the words i've stopped myself from saying?
when it's only me who hears the freedom i hold when i'm riding in the wind-
when i'm laughing out loud at no one but me
when i'm crying for the child who was lost and then never found
I claim a truth
that is mine
and mine alone
something the anguish of dueling mothers and fathers can never claim
something my angels have told me only i possess-
a place where no one has been lost or found-

in my head i look for distraction
something to interrupt the absence
that only someone i don't remember can fill-

so when i cry in the dark at emotions that someone else reminds me of
don't think i'm here in the moment with you-
and when i fall away to the silence and murmuring that my ears have created for me
don't think i'm there in the moment with you-
I'm far off in my head trying to make sense of this sadness that plagues me-
distraction is what makes me human to you
but if i ever lose my faith
if i ever lose my faith in me
then my light will go out
and i won't ever come back to the moment we were sharing-

in the midst of confusion
i know that there will be a time when i'm not stuck at a fortress of solitude
i will come out and play with you
i will come out and laugh at all the faces i've seen myself behind-
If i know one thing before you
it is this-
it is my knowledge of
how fragile we are-
my grace
my angel

I know these things to be true
and i know that someday i will not beg for distraction
and i will not beg myself for air time alone-

One day at a time
my spirit moves away the stones that hinder my view of all the beauty i possess
and for all my days remaining i pay tribute to the mother who colored me from clear to brown
and to the father i never thought existed in the making of me
he will rise and give back my sky of gray to blue-
and to the one who raised me they will feel the love that i tried to save for the invisible ghosts who left me and told me to by myself no matter what the world says-
i have everything that i need to fill the sand dunes of time-
to shade me from the cold winds
to carry me across the waters to the ship at port-
to claim my star
and to cut the barbed wire fortress
and fill empty arms that once held me-
and fix my need for distraction-

I have it all and i have it all in me...

10.14.02

brown girl, tell me...

Music plays all around me
I am caught up
I am inside the rhythms you call sex
Tell me how it means nothing
and then something
depending on the atmosphere
and the company-

I'm holding onto you as you fall out of sight
searching somewhere deeper into me
looking for the seed of what makes me what i am
searching for something you can grab a hold of and keep for your own-

Jaded by the world
You search in warm spaces reserved for lovers
For what you'll become-
Listening to the rhythm of the breathing searching for your own rhythm
Making what you see
and taking what you get
back to the place reserved for no one but you-
don't be afraid to cry about the idea of what you're looking for-

I fall asleep and you stay awake
to study-
study what you're about
inside the flesh and bone
that comprises the sea
that is so stormy-
so stormy.
I wake to find your eyes
never closed
Still consumed with what is on your skin
my smells
our sounds
your touch
Looking for the spark that settles my confusion

Do you ask
or just assume
of me
On me
you hold what i give
withholding the contact that will make us equal
give me something to understand
shake my hand and give back what you hold-
then again the source is never as pure as the original
that 's what you say-
somehow thinking i can decipher the words inside the words
i only know that it isn't as difficult as the times before-
Perhaps it's getting easier with age
you just know things come so that they can go-
A sort of misled cycle of life...



I'm telling you, brown girl

All i know is that parts of me have never left
and those are the parts that i hold on to-
My face-
and my hands
Well, they've changed through the weathering life
and my heart-
well
it has gotten stronger despite the forces that try to make it weaker
and my spirit-
well it has only grown bigger to fit all the beauty that i've witnessed
while my rhythm ever-changing is getting louder
my comprehension of the broken rhythm
has only become more proficient in hearing the in-between
as i reflect on all the moments that shape me-

so looking in on this current purge-
i don't mind that it's taking the time of it's own to complete
because i'm learning more about the place inside me that only i belong
and that is something i will never have to eliminate...

Morgan street mourning...

i'm trying to move from this
i'm trying to take a step ahead
but my mind reverts back to it again and again-
i breathe deep and exhale
the sound of a million cigarettes rattling in my chest-
finding that the heat has left my cunt and moved into my face

i'm telling myself it's good to purge
empty out the vats that are full of her-
one by one
i empty the memory that is stored so carefully
placed so delicately
yet severed so abruptly-
i ought to have practice at this
as women have been leaving me since the day i was born
or is it that i have left them?
one way or another i ought to be more practiced at this

at first it was fear-
then it moved to sadness
then to pity-
and i don't say the later lightly-
no one wants to be pitied
no matter how lost or sad they are-

so there's me with all of this
for her
and all the hers before her-
i wake each day wondering if this will be the end of these emotions
i still circulate for her-
herstory tells me that i'm over it with little fixation
but i'd rather reason with these emotions than have them haunt me into the next one
i"ve forgotten what my direction was in my purging
is it coming up or going deeper inside?

some say healing is a process
or a destination

i'd say it's a little of both depending on which way you look for out
my out comes with words
hers and hers before was with absence-
i wonder when i'll succumb to the repetition i've witnessed again and again
isn't that what repetition is?
either learning a lesson really well so that you do it
or so that you don't?
I can't guage where i am in the process of letting go-

So tell me how you are
Standing there
beside me
above me
beneath me

i tell you that is my favorite position-
all of the above
i tell you more about me than you tell me about you
besides the pharmaceutical diagnosis-
who do you sleep with?
What does she want?
what does she dream about when she dares to close her eyes;
the ones that create the monsters
outside the mind that conjures up worse enemies-

sooner than i rise
you tell me you must go
you felt the urge to go somewhere deeper to dream about the wrongs
that your mother has done-

it's a slow day when the woman stays
she's more confused about herself than when she's off in deep thought-
i couldn't tell you what i've done
for there is no response to the needs that drive her-

I lay there wondering if leaving this space is the right thing to do at this moment-
the cigarette smoke is a reminder that the clouds about her head are here to stay-
the sooner i leave the sooner she goes back to her hands
looking for the stars that remind her
that she is part of something bigger
something beautiful
somewhere that she started from long ago-
trying to escape the memory that her star wasn't as bright as the others
she holds that fault in her heart
blaming no one else but the seed that she derives from
that she should have been born a brighter star
without the shadow of the constellations that surround her-

she takes my hand in hers
that are full of me
and my place
and she tells me
it's not going to work
this..
her..
and me..
she steadies her other hand around the small circle that will one day claim her again
to be damned by the dis-ease
again and again...

The window I climbed through...

I'm meeting you today for the first time in weeks to talk
talk about what?
talk about what happened-
what will happen-
and what can't happen

Earlier I was cleaning and this moth thats been inside for days- that i tried to save
that kept flying away
Finally lay dead on the floor-
I thought to myself
Like a moth to the flame-
Like this moth to the slowest of deaths-
I picked it up and threw it away and thought
Only if..
Only if it would have let me wrap it up in my hands and carry it outside
I wouldn't be here now throwing it away in the uncivilized garbage can that sits by the most unnatural environment for it to sleep in
But it was and
it did
And i had no control
other than to let it be
just the way it needed to be-
With that end i thought
about another end
that soon will be
between us-

The time away has made me realize that i can't drive you away from yourself
I can't drive the voices out of your head and replace it with mine
soft and slow-
I can keep the razors that slice the mind that you call skin
but that doesn't stop you from getting more
and more-
I can't keep you high on me
and on top of me
to make you feel all right
and i can't take away the shape of your eyes
so that you stop being persecuted
by the ghosts and the parents who left you
again and again-
I can't take away the drug that keeps things hazy for you
more complete, less painful..
No, I can't take away the addictions that you have
for love-
I thought I could be all these things for you

To you
But now i know that i can't-
and now i know that it's gonna take something bigger
something you can only find within the walls of your darkest moments-
There on the sharp edge of the metal you put to your skin
There on the end of the cigarette you smoke
There on the tip of your tongue
and on the tip of your pen
There on the tip of your breast
and your clit
There in your eyes that see the world in their own way
There inside the voice in your head
There inside the high you've taken from yourself
There inside the drink that makes you sick time and time again
There inside the voice of the woman coming from your speakers
There inside your fear-

That's where you will find the answers
Completely with or without me-

Just do this for me
Don't hate yourself for this
Don't inflict on yourself what the world already inflicts on you
Give into the voice that's still gentle inside of you-
My war on these lands ends with a truce
I have nothing to give that hasn't already been shown
My ammunition only works on Colombian soil
Your Korean soil needs something more like seeds than ammunition-

I won't forget what it is about you that draws me in
and i won't let you run from me with all my emotions on your back
I will carry myself safely to the shores of my knowing
and wait for you to come to the senses that you've inherently got-
growing comfortable inside your skin
Something I had to do in the darkness without the light of a lovers' watchful eye
But with her smell and the shadow beside me just the same-

I have to keep on moving on
But i'm not very far from your side
We will walk parallel from each other
Breathing separate air
yet forever tied to this adopted life...

Women's Rhythm

Walking home i went down the stairs to the field that leads to my house
when i was reminded of you laughing when we got together that one day in the park
You told us there were 69 stairs-
we laughed at you
and said that can't be right
Why would they have stopped at 69 and not 70?
You said
"I'm telling the truth"

when we got done drumming our souls out
purging some small bit of music we had left in us from the week before-
we climbed the stairs with our drums on our heads laughing about how crazy you were
and how all it took was one beer to get you goin'
but Norma and I knew it had nothing to with the beer
you were just crazy, that's all-

we counted the stairs and surely there were exactly 69 steps up to the lovers that waited
for us at home-
Those were some of the best times-
you, me and Norma in the park
playing together
playing alone
playing something out of tune with the noise someone else was beating out-

Today i walked down those stairs-
it's been a while since we all got together to play-
Like clockwork I counted every step as I descended-
69 steps there was
leading me to the love that was waiting for me at home-
Even though i was on my own- it felt ok

When i got close to the bottom there was 20 or so crickets flying about my feet-
it reminded me of the rhythms that once filled my ears in this space-
I smiled as I was counting-
thinking to myself
How much I miss your laugh...