i don't do well with these sorts of things
heavy
and hard
i'm happier in the abstract concoctions of the imagination.
cryptic signals
broken meanings
and lyrical misinformation.
i keep dreaming about her
and in each dream there is a connection unrecognized but clearly apparent and felt.
i recognize the undertow of emotion but she is misled in her hesitation.
i don't get what the dream symbolizes.
should i delve into getting to understand her better
or into getting to understand myself?
last night the same lingering emotion was represented by another familiar person. on some level they sort of remind me of each other- one a childhood friend and adult aquaintence and the other a passerby in my work life.
i am baffled and confused by these emotion filled misunderstandings and omissions of truth.
what is the world telling me from behind a thin veil of tubular repression?
my past has been showing up on my walks lately.
i'm not the type to ignore someone when they are within earshot of me so i speak
and the moments pass and the familiar gestures are presented and responded to
and then we part
and i can't recall much of where i was coming from or what i said.
i've just been in that sort of haze lately..
god only knows that so many of the colors have come to fade away in my life recently.
i am here in body only.
yet i feel my brother all around me in spirit- only missing a body.
i won't lie and try to make anyone believe that i'm more than the less of what i usually am in this temporary disjointedness. i am a proverbial directionless woman at the moment and though it gives me an excuse to sit and accomplish little or make much effort (which is all i'm capable of) i recognize that the moment is full of promise as seedlings of future expansion is within me and i'm looking towards tomorrow for that new beginning.
i am giving myself permission to fall a part and be erratic and moody and selfish for a while until i figure out how to move forward with the new normal that i have been thrust into. i will falter and yell and give up temporary hope of making something of this incredible loss that i could have never predicted that i would feel and then i will remind myself that this happens every minute of every day all around me- loss.
and i will wake up a little bit more every day
until i am me again
and when the day comes that i feel alright
then i will move with a little more grace-
but until the day comes
forgive me for falling a part...
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
standing corrected..
it will be there first.
and it will be unrecognizable to the part of you that you've come to know
and mostly rely on.
and in the in-between moments you may think you've figured it out
or mostly gotten past it.
but it will be there first.
there will be a semblance of what was whole
but in reality
what you believed to be true
was not.
and not only was it a lie
but it was a messy lie.
there were words
and there were motions
and neither really connected
to what made sense at the time
before or after.
you watched like a child
believing the sort of fairy tale
that you had hoped it was
was nothing but a facade
and mislead expectations.
when you're ready to let go of all the lies
and start looking at the truth of the matter,
let me know.
i will give you the harsh reality
using gentle words
and pretty pictures
to make it easier to swallow-
and it will be there first.
the strength that you have prided yourself on having
won't fit the bill of this magnitude.
it will chip away the familiar
and will test every bit of sanity and resolve that you have come to expect that lives in you.
you will be broken
and unrecognizable to yourself and those who think they know you.
you will remember it much differently
and not at all like it is
and was
and will continue to be-
and it will be there first.
but in the days you will be given
and the time
that you will take
things will change
and
become more clear.
you will shed the broken parts
and new understandings will emerge
if you can stomach the patience that it will take.
there will be breakdowns
and fits
and moments lost
in the abyss of learning and transformation
but it will be there first
i promise you.
and you will recognize it once again when your eyes open
and the light is a little brighter
and you feel a little lighter.
i will be there to show you what still remains
and how much of what you thought you lost
is less than what you've come to find.
give it time
and recognize that even fairy tales have plots that are believable on some level.
don't lose faith in these moments
because they will return you to a place better than now.
you are bound to come around
and it will be there first..
and it will be unrecognizable to the part of you that you've come to know
and mostly rely on.
and in the in-between moments you may think you've figured it out
or mostly gotten past it.
but it will be there first.
there will be a semblance of what was whole
but in reality
what you believed to be true
was not.
and not only was it a lie
but it was a messy lie.
there were words
and there were motions
and neither really connected
to what made sense at the time
before or after.
you watched like a child
believing the sort of fairy tale
that you had hoped it was
was nothing but a facade
and mislead expectations.
when you're ready to let go of all the lies
and start looking at the truth of the matter,
let me know.
i will give you the harsh reality
using gentle words
and pretty pictures
to make it easier to swallow-
and it will be there first.
the strength that you have prided yourself on having
won't fit the bill of this magnitude.
it will chip away the familiar
and will test every bit of sanity and resolve that you have come to expect that lives in you.
you will be broken
and unrecognizable to yourself and those who think they know you.
you will remember it much differently
and not at all like it is
and was
and will continue to be-
and it will be there first.
but in the days you will be given
and the time
that you will take
things will change
and
become more clear.
you will shed the broken parts
and new understandings will emerge
if you can stomach the patience that it will take.
there will be breakdowns
and fits
and moments lost
in the abyss of learning and transformation
but it will be there first
i promise you.
and you will recognize it once again when your eyes open
and the light is a little brighter
and you feel a little lighter.
i will be there to show you what still remains
and how much of what you thought you lost
is less than what you've come to find.
give it time
and recognize that even fairy tales have plots that are believable on some level.
don't lose faith in these moments
because they will return you to a place better than now.
you are bound to come around
and it will be there first..
dissonance unrefined..
phrases,
they come to me randomly
and in no particular order.
some of them i write down
and some of them i watch float by and out of my conciousness.
i am fragmented on a good day
and emotionless on most.
i recognize that things are moving quickly around me
but i am stuck in this disconnect
this place where over used words
and empty reality cliches don't phase me.
i am connecting to little right now
and they tell me that's ok-
that it's part of the grief.
but no one told me about the anger
the wrenching, soul crushing anger
that would spill and
leak
and
ooze from my pores.
i was not prepared for this sort of thing
and in the most crippling of moments i am seized by it-
unable to move
cry
or even
speak.
the fury is uncalculated
and sore
and oh so eager
to spill-
there is no way to rub this out
or give it a name
it feels stuck in me
and i can't shake it or wash it off.
but you see brother
it's not just about you
and how you left-
or the unrecognized moments
or conversations we had yet to have.
it's about everyone else
and what i've seen.
it's about not understanding
this sort of thing.
i may as well justify it
and then go on justifying it forever
but i'm not that person anymore.
i just don't know what to do with this.
you 'checked out'- as grampa wrote down in the address book of grandma's when she died;
before any resolution found it's place
you took the easy way out
when you look at if from the vantage point of the one's left behind.
i didn't see you as a quitter before and it's hard to start thinking that way now.
i know you wouldn't want me to see that way,
even if for a minute
but brother there was so much we didn't learn
so much i didn't teach you
and so much i didn't tell you that you taught me.
these feelings are knocking me sideways
and though on a better day i know this isn't the end,
but merely a new obstacle for us to overcome and get through-
i just wonder how people are gonna get past it..
they come to me randomly
and in no particular order.
some of them i write down
and some of them i watch float by and out of my conciousness.
i am fragmented on a good day
and emotionless on most.
i recognize that things are moving quickly around me
but i am stuck in this disconnect
this place where over used words
and empty reality cliches don't phase me.
i am connecting to little right now
and they tell me that's ok-
that it's part of the grief.
but no one told me about the anger
the wrenching, soul crushing anger
that would spill and
leak
and
ooze from my pores.
i was not prepared for this sort of thing
and in the most crippling of moments i am seized by it-
unable to move
cry
or even
speak.
the fury is uncalculated
and sore
and oh so eager
to spill-
there is no way to rub this out
or give it a name
it feels stuck in me
and i can't shake it or wash it off.
but you see brother
it's not just about you
and how you left-
or the unrecognized moments
or conversations we had yet to have.
it's about everyone else
and what i've seen.
it's about not understanding
this sort of thing.
i may as well justify it
and then go on justifying it forever
but i'm not that person anymore.
i just don't know what to do with this.
you 'checked out'- as grampa wrote down in the address book of grandma's when she died;
before any resolution found it's place
you took the easy way out
when you look at if from the vantage point of the one's left behind.
i didn't see you as a quitter before and it's hard to start thinking that way now.
i know you wouldn't want me to see that way,
even if for a minute
but brother there was so much we didn't learn
so much i didn't teach you
and so much i didn't tell you that you taught me.
these feelings are knocking me sideways
and though on a better day i know this isn't the end,
but merely a new obstacle for us to overcome and get through-
i just wonder how people are gonna get past it..
a correspondence to an unwritten letter...
i can tell you that i won't recall what i'm about right now, later
you will have to promise me that you won't remind me either.
without focus i have been wandering for weeks
nothing much registering
my moods have been in more places than the most traveled nomad.
i am without
much more than the currency that my reputation holds
which may or may not be worth much to some people right now.
dreams come in heavy heaves
placing me somewhere familiar and unfamiliar the same
in the most lovely of moments i am surrounded by beautiful people
i am being pursued by a beautiful woman who can neither see through my thinly disguised confusion
or imperfections.
i am comfortable in the longer of moments we share
but there is always something bigger pressing, calling out to me to figure out.
i somehow keep getting caught up on the beautiful woman in front of me and fail to see the lesson i'm there to learn.
when i wake i am full
and i am a little bit empty
wanting so badly to fall back to sleep to hear the words i missed
to see the things i didn't catch at first glimpse.
like an aged man with a dying libido who must somehow prove he is still viable
i live in a moment with a grandiose self sacrifice of blindness so that i can avoid the awful truth of what i have become.
sometimes it is bearable and sometimes i do not recognize whose feet i am standing on
or who's rough hands i am holding..
just the same i fall asleep each night and search for some meaning that i missed the night before.
i tell you, i won't recall this shell of a person that i have become- to cope with the madness i've seen of late.
and i'd rather, sweet friend, if you spare me the reminder of the empty pictures that you take of me through this time.
i know i will return from this dark journey brighter somehow
just give me time
and don't remind me of where i've been...
you will have to promise me that you won't remind me either.
without focus i have been wandering for weeks
nothing much registering
my moods have been in more places than the most traveled nomad.
i am without
much more than the currency that my reputation holds
which may or may not be worth much to some people right now.
dreams come in heavy heaves
placing me somewhere familiar and unfamiliar the same
in the most lovely of moments i am surrounded by beautiful people
i am being pursued by a beautiful woman who can neither see through my thinly disguised confusion
or imperfections.
i am comfortable in the longer of moments we share
but there is always something bigger pressing, calling out to me to figure out.
i somehow keep getting caught up on the beautiful woman in front of me and fail to see the lesson i'm there to learn.
when i wake i am full
and i am a little bit empty
wanting so badly to fall back to sleep to hear the words i missed
to see the things i didn't catch at first glimpse.
like an aged man with a dying libido who must somehow prove he is still viable
i live in a moment with a grandiose self sacrifice of blindness so that i can avoid the awful truth of what i have become.
sometimes it is bearable and sometimes i do not recognize whose feet i am standing on
or who's rough hands i am holding..
just the same i fall asleep each night and search for some meaning that i missed the night before.
i tell you, i won't recall this shell of a person that i have become- to cope with the madness i've seen of late.
and i'd rather, sweet friend, if you spare me the reminder of the empty pictures that you take of me through this time.
i know i will return from this dark journey brighter somehow
just give me time
and don't remind me of where i've been...
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
shifting floors...
been away for a while now
due mostly to not finding any sort of stride
but something snapped today
something was bent too far and it broke
and now things are moving again.
moving again thank goodness..
it is possible to have a lot to tell her
without having much to say?
the years of silence have made a stranger of us
but something shifted
and swayed
and settled
and now we are left with some big silence
that no conversation will conquer
my emotional lineage
has surpassed this
and i can't map out the bridge from the past to the present...
i heard about a friend who is dying.
her smile
and memory has been constantly on my mind
i cannot grasp her reality.
it doesn't make sense
that i witnessed the moment she found the inevitable.
standing there in the kitchen touching her ribs
claiming that there was some sort of bump that she found.
little did she know
little did we all know..
how do angry little girls grow up?
especially the lonely ones.
i worry for the 9 year old that wasn't lost in me
but just might be forever lost in her.
what does a child know anyway?
way more than she should by this time...
i heard a story from someone about the way things
get in the way of compassion-
what happened to comfortable adults?
somehow we learned to cope with love by chasing away lovers with a bottle
hating where we ended up
and hating the one we married even more.
i asked her if there was a severance of bonds
and in her way she said yes
even though i knew she really meant no...
right now i'm in love with the idea of a couple of women who thrill me and stir me up.
there's some semblance in each of them
one of them is closer to my reality than the other
but i like that the one who drew me in to the other is a complete stranger.
someday we might have a favorite song
or maybe we'll never get the chance to sit in the same room to listen to it-
i'm fine exploring this strange attraction to the impossible...
things that i've noticed today excite me
as if spring has come late to my world.
i never much thought of humming until now
it seems as if those little things that move so slow
that aren't noticeable if you don't see the trajectory of their movement-
have somehow taken a detour through my visual and spiritual field.
i see things more clearly and that is exactly where i want to be...
someone asked me to recall a lover
and how she was with me
i didn't lie when i said i don't remember the intimacy that was between us back then.
i do remember that she didn't shutter the way that she does now.
i'm regretting that i didn't advise her to be more gentle when she breaks her heart-
oh the confusion of she and her and them and they..
it makes perfect sense to me
each of the pronouns and adjectives-
because they all equal love on some level.
even if they those levels are hard is distinguish...
happy in my purging i let it all fall easily from my limbic thoughts
into the everywhere and no where just the same.
due mostly to not finding any sort of stride
but something snapped today
something was bent too far and it broke
and now things are moving again.
moving again thank goodness..
it is possible to have a lot to tell her
without having much to say?
the years of silence have made a stranger of us
but something shifted
and swayed
and settled
and now we are left with some big silence
that no conversation will conquer
my emotional lineage
has surpassed this
and i can't map out the bridge from the past to the present...
i heard about a friend who is dying.
her smile
and memory has been constantly on my mind
i cannot grasp her reality.
it doesn't make sense
that i witnessed the moment she found the inevitable.
standing there in the kitchen touching her ribs
claiming that there was some sort of bump that she found.
little did she know
little did we all know..
how do angry little girls grow up?
especially the lonely ones.
i worry for the 9 year old that wasn't lost in me
but just might be forever lost in her.
what does a child know anyway?
way more than she should by this time...
i heard a story from someone about the way things
get in the way of compassion-
what happened to comfortable adults?
somehow we learned to cope with love by chasing away lovers with a bottle
hating where we ended up
and hating the one we married even more.
i asked her if there was a severance of bonds
and in her way she said yes
even though i knew she really meant no...
right now i'm in love with the idea of a couple of women who thrill me and stir me up.
there's some semblance in each of them
one of them is closer to my reality than the other
but i like that the one who drew me in to the other is a complete stranger.
someday we might have a favorite song
or maybe we'll never get the chance to sit in the same room to listen to it-
i'm fine exploring this strange attraction to the impossible...
things that i've noticed today excite me
as if spring has come late to my world.
i never much thought of humming until now
it seems as if those little things that move so slow
that aren't noticeable if you don't see the trajectory of their movement-
have somehow taken a detour through my visual and spiritual field.
i see things more clearly and that is exactly where i want to be...
someone asked me to recall a lover
and how she was with me
i didn't lie when i said i don't remember the intimacy that was between us back then.
i do remember that she didn't shutter the way that she does now.
i'm regretting that i didn't advise her to be more gentle when she breaks her heart-
oh the confusion of she and her and them and they..
it makes perfect sense to me
each of the pronouns and adjectives-
because they all equal love on some level.
even if they those levels are hard is distinguish...
happy in my purging i let it all fall easily from my limbic thoughts
into the everywhere and no where just the same.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
someone's every day...
how was today?
today?
today i was here.
i was really here
and i noticed
and was noticed
you were there in your chair
a chair you later told me wasn't yours
but someone else's
and it didn't fit you
i was there at that time
because her chair was not working
and i was going to help the older woman
get that chair in the van
so we are sitting there
breathing in the dirty, chilled, exhaust air
waiting for the same thing
and i was a little high from the thought of the smile i got
and people were walking by
looking at you
but continuing on
and i thought to myself
are you supposed to be like that?
is your body supposed to be leaning over like that?
you didn't say a word and didn't ask for help
though i doubt you could see me.
i walked into your visual plane
and asked if you needed help
and you eagerly said yes.
so i touched you
your strong shoulders
and your tied feet
i moved you back upright
and you thanked me
and i was worried that it would happen again.
i wanted to fix you
and that chair that did not belong to you.
so i touched you again and made sure you were better
and i smiled
and just acknowledged you
something no one else was willing to do.
i looked back at the girl i was waiting with
and though she can't talk
she gave me the thumbs up and smiled
and i felt full.
it's the being a part of someone's every day
that made mine.
i was there to help them out
and i met you along the way.
it's things like this that remind me why i'm here in the first place.
i'm waiting for the gifts like these...
today?
today i was here.
i was really here
and i noticed
and was noticed
you were there in your chair
a chair you later told me wasn't yours
but someone else's
and it didn't fit you
i was there at that time
because her chair was not working
and i was going to help the older woman
get that chair in the van
so we are sitting there
breathing in the dirty, chilled, exhaust air
waiting for the same thing
and i was a little high from the thought of the smile i got
and people were walking by
looking at you
but continuing on
and i thought to myself
are you supposed to be like that?
is your body supposed to be leaning over like that?
you didn't say a word and didn't ask for help
though i doubt you could see me.
i walked into your visual plane
and asked if you needed help
and you eagerly said yes.
so i touched you
your strong shoulders
and your tied feet
i moved you back upright
and you thanked me
and i was worried that it would happen again.
i wanted to fix you
and that chair that did not belong to you.
so i touched you again and made sure you were better
and i smiled
and just acknowledged you
something no one else was willing to do.
i looked back at the girl i was waiting with
and though she can't talk
she gave me the thumbs up and smiled
and i felt full.
it's the being a part of someone's every day
that made mine.
i was there to help them out
and i met you along the way.
it's things like this that remind me why i'm here in the first place.
i'm waiting for the gifts like these...
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
inaugural rides we share...
cold air
wind
and
darkness
they remind me of you
heavy
and deep breathing
make me recall certain things
i heard they're moving your bike
to where it belongs-
home.
girl,
you are everywhere tonight.
in the smiles
and smells
and reminders.
i felt you all over me.
recalling our kisses
in the booths
at the tables
watching your ass
as you turned around
and reached for things
things that fed me
and things that fed them
more
than our heavy,
wayward
gestures
needed.
you filled us with
the drug we wanted
and craved
and reached for.
i'm peddling fast
and
i'm peddling furious
and thinking of how quickly things come to pass
the winter
and the coffee shops
and your presence.
breathe in
and try to hold it
i feel the cars spin passed me
and look at every other biker
in the dark
and wonder how anyone could have claimed to have seen you
on your final ride
to the river.
how?
because as hard as i tried
i couldn't see them
or you.
all i could see was road
and light
and sky
and darkness
but the habit of feeling you
and seeing you in the small of things
is nothing any discrepancy could hold.
though you are by yourself
i am with you
and i can feel
what you loved
and what you were in love with
on the wind
and the heat
and the sweat
of working the pedal.
breathe in hard
exhale hard
i am now home..
where you now rest...
wind
and
darkness
they remind me of you
heavy
and deep breathing
make me recall certain things
i heard they're moving your bike
to where it belongs-
home.
girl,
you are everywhere tonight.
in the smiles
and smells
and reminders.
i felt you all over me.
recalling our kisses
in the booths
at the tables
watching your ass
as you turned around
and reached for things
things that fed me
and things that fed them
more
than our heavy,
wayward
gestures
needed.
you filled us with
the drug we wanted
and craved
and reached for.
i'm peddling fast
and
i'm peddling furious
and thinking of how quickly things come to pass
the winter
and the coffee shops
and your presence.
breathe in
and try to hold it
i feel the cars spin passed me
and look at every other biker
in the dark
and wonder how anyone could have claimed to have seen you
on your final ride
to the river.
how?
because as hard as i tried
i couldn't see them
or you.
all i could see was road
and light
and sky
and darkness
but the habit of feeling you
and seeing you in the small of things
is nothing any discrepancy could hold.
though you are by yourself
i am with you
and i can feel
what you loved
and what you were in love with
on the wind
and the heat
and the sweat
of working the pedal.
breathe in hard
exhale hard
i am now home..
where you now rest...
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