she's the kind of girl who likes to keep herself busy
lately she's been cutting out patterns that represent the life she lost
she says she feels like she's been handed some sort of second chance to rediscover herself
i'm getting the chance to finally discover her
and i won't say that the years that it took to get close to her where easy to endure
but the time has come and i've got nothing to believe in except that something's telling me my time has arrived
us, ordinary people, we wait, we wish and manifest
for the things in life that best suit us
sometimes we have to take care of our lovers
and sometimes they end up taking care of us
things get heavy on one side
and a little lenient on the other
i can finally say that i've got it down
the part that proves that i'm ready to go right now
if the heat of the sun on our reading bodies is any indicator
of the words i've got lining up in my eyes
then let these words prove the point
i've been waiting for you girl
to find your way to me
and now that i've got a little bit of your attention
i'm gonna choose my words as mindfully as i take you in
eyes, skin, smile with a voice to match
i am paralyzed in between awe and deep appreciation of your beauty
i hope that someday you will notice me the way i notice you
until that time i will wait just as i have been
and discover you discovering me...
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
spoken things unspoken...
it's about hearing the inbetween little things
and feeling things out
I’m on a path to figure out where to go from here
The talk inside my head says one thing
The emotion in my heart says things that makes even the heaviest of feathers fly
This heaviness is the kind that’s good
But I’m struggling to stand inside of it
I feel as if I’ve spent eternity beside you
And your absence is a killer.
Someone said you were traveling-
That’s where you always go when things get hard
I don’t know where you go to hide
And I don’t know if the anger you say you feel is on the up-mend
Or if you are still too wounded to feel any sort of fire
I’ve never known for certain how these sorts of things go from potential to smoke and ashes
All I know is that somewhere in the writing
I made a commitment to love you
I don’t think you could comprehend this sort of truth but despite not telling you
I’ve known for some time on some level
That I would possess your heart
And you would possess mine
We spoke of realist ideology
And how that can hamper the romantic gesture in a lover’s eye
But holding the truth until it is no more
Is a better contract than overthought fairy-tales
Of course in the midst of this I realize the more I try to read you
The more you slip away
I wake up hearing you call my name
And It makes me want to keep waking up again and again
Perhaps this is the dance we must dance
I will keep the rhythm until my song of you runs through and through
And only then will I move from this stance
My hope and fear is that you will recognize me in all this
And fall away…
and feeling things out
I’m on a path to figure out where to go from here
The talk inside my head says one thing
The emotion in my heart says things that makes even the heaviest of feathers fly
This heaviness is the kind that’s good
But I’m struggling to stand inside of it
I feel as if I’ve spent eternity beside you
And your absence is a killer.
Someone said you were traveling-
That’s where you always go when things get hard
I don’t know where you go to hide
And I don’t know if the anger you say you feel is on the up-mend
Or if you are still too wounded to feel any sort of fire
I’ve never known for certain how these sorts of things go from potential to smoke and ashes
All I know is that somewhere in the writing
I made a commitment to love you
I don’t think you could comprehend this sort of truth but despite not telling you
I’ve known for some time on some level
That I would possess your heart
And you would possess mine
We spoke of realist ideology
And how that can hamper the romantic gesture in a lover’s eye
But holding the truth until it is no more
Is a better contract than overthought fairy-tales
Of course in the midst of this I realize the more I try to read you
The more you slip away
I wake up hearing you call my name
And It makes me want to keep waking up again and again
Perhaps this is the dance we must dance
I will keep the rhythm until my song of you runs through and through
And only then will I move from this stance
My hope and fear is that you will recognize me in all this
And fall away…
Monday, June 15, 2009
lost beer and records...
here with him..
we are stoned and hungry
drunk and curious
about connections
words
and pictures that mean nothing to us
standing next to me
sounding like rev. jessie jackson
you sway and move with your pyromania
something says it wants rock' n' roll
and what do you want...
you, my crackers and beer sort of man
spitting words in my hair, and side of my face
you pace back and fourth looking for vinyl
and love
now listen to me, i've had a few things to say here and there
throughout the night
things about vulnerability
and douche bags
and dykes
you stood there with a seeming canadian/french "i'm anything cuz i'm adopted," look
and swayed back and fourth
in the quiet sounds
in your headphones
in your music...
this is how it starts, huh,
these sorts of things
well, i'm wondering if this must be some sort of beginning...
we are stoned and hungry
drunk and curious
about connections
words
and pictures that mean nothing to us
standing next to me
sounding like rev. jessie jackson
you sway and move with your pyromania
something says it wants rock' n' roll
and what do you want...
you, my crackers and beer sort of man
spitting words in my hair, and side of my face
you pace back and fourth looking for vinyl
and love
now listen to me, i've had a few things to say here and there
throughout the night
things about vulnerability
and douche bags
and dykes
you stood there with a seeming canadian/french "i'm anything cuz i'm adopted," look
and swayed back and fourth
in the quiet sounds
in your headphones
in your music...
this is how it starts, huh,
these sorts of things
well, i'm wondering if this must be some sort of beginning...
Monday, June 1, 2009
what's in a name...
I recognized a few days ago that i've spend almost 34 years trying to fit inside an identity that never resonated with me.
yes- those letters do not belong to me.. this is something i've inherently known but it was proven to me by a kind stranger. It's one thing when your head tells you something and another when your body confirms what you knew. yes- those letters do not belong to me.. when asked why she changed my name from adriana to melissa, my mother's response was-"because i always wanted a michael and melissa..." hmm, the sad ignorance in that reply- the grave consequence that i recognize even more now brings my attention to the bigger issue at hand... but aside from the politics in which the residue still remains on my skin- the most simple concept of this is vulgar to me... at what point must i stop making excuses for the things done to me and every other colonized, stolen child. what two year old doesn't know her name and how would she react if all of the sudden her only connection to her origins where stripped, fluffed up and stamped with those letter which do not belong to her? it seems laughable how much it never fit me.. and even more so that someone thought it would.. all this time i thought it was me who was somehow not getting something so simple as who i am- but now recognize it was because all these years others have been calling for someone who is not me..yes- those letters to not belong to me and no i will not try to fit inside them anymore... what i will respond to is not even the letters my birth mother gave me but letters which i have given myself.. and no you cannot know those secret letters...they are mine. call me whatever you like- no one's gotten it right all these years anyhow...
6.1.09
yes- those letters do not belong to me.. this is something i've inherently known but it was proven to me by a kind stranger. It's one thing when your head tells you something and another when your body confirms what you knew. yes- those letters do not belong to me.. when asked why she changed my name from adriana to melissa, my mother's response was-"because i always wanted a michael and melissa..." hmm, the sad ignorance in that reply- the grave consequence that i recognize even more now brings my attention to the bigger issue at hand... but aside from the politics in which the residue still remains on my skin- the most simple concept of this is vulgar to me... at what point must i stop making excuses for the things done to me and every other colonized, stolen child. what two year old doesn't know her name and how would she react if all of the sudden her only connection to her origins where stripped, fluffed up and stamped with those letter which do not belong to her? it seems laughable how much it never fit me.. and even more so that someone thought it would.. all this time i thought it was me who was somehow not getting something so simple as who i am- but now recognize it was because all these years others have been calling for someone who is not me..yes- those letters to not belong to me and no i will not try to fit inside them anymore... what i will respond to is not even the letters my birth mother gave me but letters which i have given myself.. and no you cannot know those secret letters...they are mine. call me whatever you like- no one's gotten it right all these years anyhow...
6.1.09
Thursday, April 30, 2009
today as i see it...
4.30.09
I've decided instead of the premeditated writings that i proofread and release beforehand that i'd free flow write- and post the things that are happening in "real time." more raw, more real..
Last year at this time i graduated from the biggest test of my adult life that i didn't create myself... education...
As i reflect on all the work and time and things that came from that experience a few things stick out in my mind-
one of them is my political and social awareness. another is my confidence in myself and recognizing that i am capable of expressing through writing what i think, and reflecting and critically analyzing it as well. I was challenged in so many ways by peers and teachers who opened my eyes to so many things but really the most vivid thing i remember is sitting across from rachel dow in our alternative knowledge class... something intrigued me the moment she sauntered in and sat across the room from me. I stared minute after minute, hour and hour at her- transfixed on something i saw in her- about her... when finally i got the nerve to talk to her i found her to be warm. we walked home together that day and the weeks after- her walking her girlfriends greenish blue bianchi beside me. we exchanged numbers and i didn't see her again for about 4 years after that. Until one day when i went into chiang to see my new friend Roxanne and show her my motorcycle and there was rachel behind the bar. the rest is history between us but last year this time when i was graduating- there was an empty seat next to me.. that was rachel's seat as she was to graduate at the same time...she didn't make it in person but she was there beside me in spirit for sure...
fast forward to now and i'm graduating on another level... i'm in the middle of growing pains.. forcing myself to solitary confinement emotionally so that i can reflect and figure out what it is that i want in life. I have to be honest that there are moments that i question why i'm not with F, after all- there was so much that worked... but i come back to rest on the realization that her place in my heart is very special and that will never change..i move on to others and again realize that this time isn't about choosing- it is about decision making and healing.. i've always been a glutton for love but the love i've been giving hasn't been all that i have to offer. So in this time i'm quiet and i'm alone and i'm feeling quite all right.. i have space to stretch my thoughts out, my emotions out and just linger a while longer in them. I have no where to be, no one to talk to, no one who needs me to be anything for them. I am free though the strings of attachment certainly reveal to be sensitive just the same. i am missing people. i am feeling weak at moments. and i am fully embracing it all...certainly rachel is sitting beside me again watching as i step into the next level of my journey...
I've decided instead of the premeditated writings that i proofread and release beforehand that i'd free flow write- and post the things that are happening in "real time." more raw, more real..
Last year at this time i graduated from the biggest test of my adult life that i didn't create myself... education...
As i reflect on all the work and time and things that came from that experience a few things stick out in my mind-
one of them is my political and social awareness. another is my confidence in myself and recognizing that i am capable of expressing through writing what i think, and reflecting and critically analyzing it as well. I was challenged in so many ways by peers and teachers who opened my eyes to so many things but really the most vivid thing i remember is sitting across from rachel dow in our alternative knowledge class... something intrigued me the moment she sauntered in and sat across the room from me. I stared minute after minute, hour and hour at her- transfixed on something i saw in her- about her... when finally i got the nerve to talk to her i found her to be warm. we walked home together that day and the weeks after- her walking her girlfriends greenish blue bianchi beside me. we exchanged numbers and i didn't see her again for about 4 years after that. Until one day when i went into chiang to see my new friend Roxanne and show her my motorcycle and there was rachel behind the bar. the rest is history between us but last year this time when i was graduating- there was an empty seat next to me.. that was rachel's seat as she was to graduate at the same time...she didn't make it in person but she was there beside me in spirit for sure...
fast forward to now and i'm graduating on another level... i'm in the middle of growing pains.. forcing myself to solitary confinement emotionally so that i can reflect and figure out what it is that i want in life. I have to be honest that there are moments that i question why i'm not with F, after all- there was so much that worked... but i come back to rest on the realization that her place in my heart is very special and that will never change..i move on to others and again realize that this time isn't about choosing- it is about decision making and healing.. i've always been a glutton for love but the love i've been giving hasn't been all that i have to offer. So in this time i'm quiet and i'm alone and i'm feeling quite all right.. i have space to stretch my thoughts out, my emotions out and just linger a while longer in them. I have no where to be, no one to talk to, no one who needs me to be anything for them. I am free though the strings of attachment certainly reveal to be sensitive just the same. i am missing people. i am feeling weak at moments. and i am fully embracing it all...certainly rachel is sitting beside me again watching as i step into the next level of my journey...
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Transformation letter..
I've noticed some stream line main topics in these things that i write- whether they be about me, for me or simply about how i interpret others. For many years i've searched for something that others may take for granted or perhaps have a better grasp on; love, identity and ego.. These days my intent and focus lies very much in answering some of the deeper questions that have molded, shaped and even misshaped my life thus far... I try to reveal and share the dark moments as well as the bright moments where i've crossed another prolific canyon in my journey. I am very aware of the importance of balance in choosing these writings. I feel a transformative energy stirring beneath my visible surfaces, something shifting- paradigms, ideals, outlooks and attitudes. A purging of self, which is a recurring element in this blog.. I am always amazed at the depth in which our spirits and lives shake out of us seeds of growth- forcing us to comprehend what we are doing, re-evaluating our intent, reinventing our mission. This is single handedly my favorite part of being who i am- knowing that despite losing myself to the questions and searching for the answers I only return recognizing that my home in myself is more secure.. My best self is when i am left to my own devices to coax out the residue of love, experience and challenges that collide with my everyday existence.. I am most open in these moments, most clear, and respectively most happy. The intent of this blog is not to entertain others with the education and miseducation of Melissa Tangye, it is simply proof that i am willing to relinquish control over things that have plagued, puzzled and taught me most about myself. I am doing this for no one but me- as egotistical as that may sound. I don't have any preconceived ideas that others will walk away more empathetic towards me- i hope that people, if anything, will recognize other forms of existence in this world. I am rambling at this point but simply wanted to share my new found happiness in manifesting and receiving enlightenment. My hope is that i can remain open so that i may continue to learn more of the lessons that i'm intent on learning..
~M
~M
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