something of a testimony
something like a letter
with a destination
eyes to see it
a mind to think it
a heart to feel it
my words come at once.
nothing that this contains was premeditated
i have no clue what will be revealed if any thing at all
i will purge
simply purge
like i do
like i will
like i have.
i know it is to you
for you
about you
perhaps
but not about you.
i am sitting on the porch
a boddington's at my right
with the sound of hammers hitting the side of a home that is being rebuilt.
they wanted closure-
the once open room is now closed, it's been boarded, sheet rocked, and now cemented
i don't think i've ever seen who occupies that home-
i feel know something about their mentality by way of the added walls that they are showing me.
i wonder what they fear, or more what they don't want to see
they've added a brick wall and wrought iron gate in front of the door and traded a grass lawn for a convenient big driveway that has room for a 5x5 patch of green. they are changing some things- my reminder is the hammers hitting the side of the home
what do i want to know about you...
what do i want to ask...
what do i want to tell...
what do i want you to ask...
i never got to tell you about my story of when i learned to communicated and when i swore to never hold a thing in that bent me in some way-
i just told someone new the story last night and it just reinforced my love for david and the beauty that his crippled body radiated to me during those months.
someday i'll share it with you-
i want to know your scars-
i want to see the paths that lead to your heart that have started and then stopped every time something reminds you of something you'd rather forget-
i want to witness the moments where you second guess yourself
and your parents tell you need more-
i want to see the toughness in you that always makes me smile
because i know that not even you can be that strong,
crumble.
i want you to need to be held for a moment
when you just need someone else to hold you up and tell you it's gonna be allright.
i want in..
can you hear me?
i want in..
that may sound threatening...
i'm sure it sounds threatening-
i'm not trying to scare you or take something from you-
i just want sentences that complete the thought-i want you to keep looking at me instead of turning away when something comes up that you'd rather i didn't see.
the sound of the hammering sounds like native drumming,
tires to gravel roll away the rhythm,
birds ass the off tempo
and racing engines provide the hum..
the constant hum..
Monday, April 6, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
powderhorn terrace windows...
I am standing with you now
In your atmosphere
Watching
Feeling
Weeping
Because though I am there
I cannot reach out to you nor tell you that I’m there
You pace furiously as you feel the presence of something
Somewhere inside you-
You feel me
I know this
I don’t know how to convey my companionship with true lines
Of myself
You don’t want to see my face
You don’t want this invasiveness to prove real
I am on your mind
And that is where I want to be
You are on mine
And that is where you will live
From across the park
I see the lights of your apartment
I want to crawl in the window
And sit on the ledge of your consciousness
And repeat a million times
How sorry I am
And how I’m figuring things out on my own
The way I must have needed to
But that in all of it I’m loving you
And that love is growing stronger
More solidified each day-
I don’t expect that you’re happy or particularly eager for my return
But in the face of my mistakes I am waiting to come back
And make things right
Because yours dear is a kiss to build a dream on…..
In your atmosphere
Watching
Feeling
Weeping
Because though I am there
I cannot reach out to you nor tell you that I’m there
You pace furiously as you feel the presence of something
Somewhere inside you-
You feel me
I know this
I don’t know how to convey my companionship with true lines
Of myself
You don’t want to see my face
You don’t want this invasiveness to prove real
I am on your mind
And that is where I want to be
You are on mine
And that is where you will live
From across the park
I see the lights of your apartment
I want to crawl in the window
And sit on the ledge of your consciousness
And repeat a million times
How sorry I am
And how I’m figuring things out on my own
The way I must have needed to
But that in all of it I’m loving you
And that love is growing stronger
More solidified each day-
I don’t expect that you’re happy or particularly eager for my return
But in the face of my mistakes I am waiting to come back
And make things right
Because yours dear is a kiss to build a dream on…..
burning mariposa...
She, a butterfly against the walls of my mind
Wings stretched to their fullest
Back towards me
Colors and hues I’ve never witnessed
Soft to the touch
Radiance that leaves a powdery residue once she’s in flight
She’s slow but her crooked direction makes her hard to catch
Graceful in her chaos
She’s within sight but her eyes are facing forward and she cannot see what is behind her;
Me.
I recreate my own form
changing as the shape of her takes on a new appearance
Love is like this
If her flight pattern is any indication of the rocky road ahead than she surely gave me an insight to life with her
Rumble tumble breathe and choke
I come up for air only to find I was never submerged
But the fluid of my thoughts and actions
Have slowly started to pull me under
To a place where lines are blurry
The temperature is always changing and the sun is mistaken for a …..
Description is useless as the ups and down are unpredictable
Years spent looking for a pattern proves futile as well
All is as all was
And I am deciding that those places were never as warm as they were cold
I am surrounded by love
That has always been my blessing
And I give it as much as I know how
But I know she’s thinking she wishes that I didn’t give it out the way I should give it to her
And her only-
Wings stretched to their fullest
Back towards me
Colors and hues I’ve never witnessed
Soft to the touch
Radiance that leaves a powdery residue once she’s in flight
She’s slow but her crooked direction makes her hard to catch
Graceful in her chaos
She’s within sight but her eyes are facing forward and she cannot see what is behind her;
Me.
I recreate my own form
changing as the shape of her takes on a new appearance
Love is like this
If her flight pattern is any indication of the rocky road ahead than she surely gave me an insight to life with her
Rumble tumble breathe and choke
I come up for air only to find I was never submerged
But the fluid of my thoughts and actions
Have slowly started to pull me under
To a place where lines are blurry
The temperature is always changing and the sun is mistaken for a …..
Description is useless as the ups and down are unpredictable
Years spent looking for a pattern proves futile as well
All is as all was
And I am deciding that those places were never as warm as they were cold
I am surrounded by love
That has always been my blessing
And I give it as much as I know how
But I know she’s thinking she wishes that I didn’t give it out the way I should give it to her
And her only-
letting go of leftover houses...
she sits in front of the fridge deciding on her meal-
oh yeah,
and for me too
she looks and decides which food best describes our lives-
"yeah the tofutti-
Meli-
that's for you.
and for me
yeah, it's the greek salad.
it has cucumber, feta cheese and red onion.."
we drove up and killed the lights
we sat in front of the lights and talked about the memories that were stored inside the blue house with the black shutters...
"that house- i used to sleep in, bec.
that lawn i know by heart
and remember ralph? i had a better looking lawn than him. I know him, my lawn was way better..
that porch,
that porch i used to come home from school or work and take a nap on.
i would ponder the world and wonder if it would end up being as beautiful and quiet as that view of the birch tree and the lawn in back.
i remember many games of football and lazy days of playing catch with my kid brother.."
she says "you know when you found a new best friend- i was demoted to the back seat. Because of darby, i was demoted to the back seat and you used to yell at me for being late for the car pool to school when you were still putting your makeup on while you were driving... you demoted me even though i had been the one who stayed up late talking in my parent's kitchen, feeding you all the m and m's you wanted.. and you let her sit in the damn front seat!"
i think of the pets that used to own the yard and the cat who begged for food.
i remember the walks through my back yard to your house, sneaking in though i knew where the key was. that key was always there for me to use..
I forget the memories until i'm with you and we're in the kitchen we've both known for years, with the food that was always there..
we perform this ritual every time we come home..
only now we think harder because we know the memories in this space are soon to be occupied by strangers and those moments will have to live inside of us...
oh yeah,
and for me too
she looks and decides which food best describes our lives-
"yeah the tofutti-
Meli-
that's for you.
and for me
yeah, it's the greek salad.
it has cucumber, feta cheese and red onion.."
we drove up and killed the lights
we sat in front of the lights and talked about the memories that were stored inside the blue house with the black shutters...
"that house- i used to sleep in, bec.
that lawn i know by heart
and remember ralph? i had a better looking lawn than him. I know him, my lawn was way better..
that porch,
that porch i used to come home from school or work and take a nap on.
i would ponder the world and wonder if it would end up being as beautiful and quiet as that view of the birch tree and the lawn in back.
i remember many games of football and lazy days of playing catch with my kid brother.."
she says "you know when you found a new best friend- i was demoted to the back seat. Because of darby, i was demoted to the back seat and you used to yell at me for being late for the car pool to school when you were still putting your makeup on while you were driving... you demoted me even though i had been the one who stayed up late talking in my parent's kitchen, feeding you all the m and m's you wanted.. and you let her sit in the damn front seat!"
i think of the pets that used to own the yard and the cat who begged for food.
i remember the walks through my back yard to your house, sneaking in though i knew where the key was. that key was always there for me to use..
I forget the memories until i'm with you and we're in the kitchen we've both known for years, with the food that was always there..
we perform this ritual every time we come home..
only now we think harder because we know the memories in this space are soon to be occupied by strangers and those moments will have to live inside of us...
My lock love...
the numbers on my watch are slowly moving-
the inevitable changing of days
my head is heavy
i just can't get enough of you lately
i'm resigned to this longing i'm feeling again
i'm fine with exercising the muscle of waiting..
in the darkness we are embracing
i can see the stars and moon through your hair-
your arms are
heavy around my body
you told me to remember this moment
and i told you i'd write about it..
i'm falling madly for you,
i say
trying to break through your stomach pains for a moment
I'm not yet used to the reminder that you live with.
You told me that this moment encompassed all that you felt for me;
being outside, under the open sky, the stars and the moon, holding me, with time not being a factor-
I got it- what you said in that moment
but then again I didn't..
I'm used to words spilling from my hearts heavy mantle for you
like-
you
are
wonderful,
you
are
strong,
i
love
you...
From you i get a mirage of images
sounds
and
expressions
that spell those words out more accurately-
yet my words are getting closer to falling from my lips
these words i'm feeling so strongly.
my creativity wanes
my long list of adjectives fails me
when i'm most desperate for them
I
love
you...
are the words that are filling my ears
i
love
you...
is all i can think of-
what is the question i'm asking myself about?
whether it's "responsible" to use those words.
since when did the strongest emotion between two people suddenly become words to
contemplate the logic of?
"is it 'responsible' to use those words?"
hell- it it "responsible" to act as if my heart isn't exploding over something wonderful?
i have never been one to hold down an emotion that moves me
and i won't start now-
withholding a love that is worthy of my full attention..
to a girl whose hair i can see the stars and moon through
whose eyes i see fire in
whose body i see grace in
whose smile i can see life in
whose heart melts my own
i love you...
in every way those three meaningful and meaningless words can occupy
My promise to you is this-
i will not speak those words
but will come up with every emotion
every insight
that you've given birth to in me
and express myself to you through them...
the inevitable changing of days
my head is heavy
i just can't get enough of you lately
i'm resigned to this longing i'm feeling again
i'm fine with exercising the muscle of waiting..
in the darkness we are embracing
i can see the stars and moon through your hair-
your arms are
heavy around my body
you told me to remember this moment
and i told you i'd write about it..
i'm falling madly for you,
i say
trying to break through your stomach pains for a moment
I'm not yet used to the reminder that you live with.
You told me that this moment encompassed all that you felt for me;
being outside, under the open sky, the stars and the moon, holding me, with time not being a factor-
I got it- what you said in that moment
but then again I didn't..
I'm used to words spilling from my hearts heavy mantle for you
like-
you
are
wonderful,
you
are
strong,
i
love
you...
From you i get a mirage of images
sounds
and
expressions
that spell those words out more accurately-
yet my words are getting closer to falling from my lips
these words i'm feeling so strongly.
my creativity wanes
my long list of adjectives fails me
when i'm most desperate for them
I
love
you...
are the words that are filling my ears
i
love
you...
is all i can think of-
what is the question i'm asking myself about?
whether it's "responsible" to use those words.
since when did the strongest emotion between two people suddenly become words to
contemplate the logic of?
"is it 'responsible' to use those words?"
hell- it it "responsible" to act as if my heart isn't exploding over something wonderful?
i have never been one to hold down an emotion that moves me
and i won't start now-
withholding a love that is worthy of my full attention..
to a girl whose hair i can see the stars and moon through
whose eyes i see fire in
whose body i see grace in
whose smile i can see life in
whose heart melts my own
i love you...
in every way those three meaningful and meaningless words can occupy
My promise to you is this-
i will not speak those words
but will come up with every emotion
every insight
that you've given birth to in me
and express myself to you through them...
Monday, March 23, 2009
what i'm told...
the paper told me to own my fear
own it the way it has owned me
and cradle it
give it a name in capital letters
then take it apart
piece by piece
bit by bit
shred by shred
until it's impact on me is like a spec of dust-
then when i'm done
hang it's memory on my walls
in my car
in my mirror
so that when it comes back
i know who it is
what it looks like
where it came from
and keep it at bay
like water to oil
with the oil on my skin
keep it at bay
as the piece of art that i turned it into
one day at a time
throughout the years
until it becomes
nothing
but
little...
own it the way it has owned me
and cradle it
give it a name in capital letters
then take it apart
piece by piece
bit by bit
shred by shred
until it's impact on me is like a spec of dust-
then when i'm done
hang it's memory on my walls
in my car
in my mirror
so that when it comes back
i know who it is
what it looks like
where it came from
and keep it at bay
like water to oil
with the oil on my skin
keep it at bay
as the piece of art that i turned it into
one day at a time
throughout the years
until it becomes
nothing
but
little...
Sunday, March 22, 2009
vertical catwalk with my aeriel artist
its my 8 yr anniversary of giving a big part of myself away to him
and I’m here now feeling like I’ve given too much of myself again-
parts that are more critical than a kidney- I have only one heart.
I spent the day reading one bad headline after another-having one distracted, disconnected conversation after another-
Watching my limp dog sleep the day away- in pain from the needles poking her yestereday that were somehow supposed to protect her from those illusive dog things.
Her solemn demeanor is a reflection of my running to and from this last week-
she is as tired as I should be-
from the volcanic eruption of emotion which has left me volatile and burning hot
I am hating this situation I’ve submerged myself into
It’s been 9 days of your name on my lips and the abrupt silence from you is so loud it’s all I can hear-
I spent 5 out of 7 days with you then nothing for 2 days
The silence is spent with you and him and your year and a half pre-existence before I sauntered into the room of your mind
I got too close-
I got too connected in those moments spent with you
I did exactly what I said I wouldn’t do.
Am I an ass for not knowing better?
No.
I am merely misunderstanding the scope in which you would enthrall me- entice me- wake me.
I’m wishing thoughts away
I’m erasing words just to get a better grip on this.
There is a derailment occurring here and everyone is a potential casualty of my love.
Girl number 1- sweet and somewhat available
Boy number 1- just the same- waiting for a sign from me and only getting something scattered and obscure
And you- Girl with no number who is the new one to me who’s got me tangled in a fury of need and desire
I cannot slip
I cannot do anything but wait-
A friend said I’ve got nothing to worry about- I’m the new woman on the side
The boyfriend is the one who has got to live with the new woman on the side of his lover
whose presumably been his and his only over the last year and a half.
I’m sitting pretty she thinks- and I have to remind myself of this
I just need the clarification I purposely wanted to avoid knowing about-
waiting in the back streets of this little heaven we’ve created makes me want to know more of what’s happening in your head so I can align myself with the right guards-
so I can keep myself in check.
But it doesn’t help that my little heart wants to fall in love-
With something beautiful
And the tragic potential here so suits me
But will I kill myself for your recognition
Will I step into the dubious waters that very well may leave me high and dry?
Time will tell
Because time always has a way of opening it’s big mouth and revealing the beautiful and sometimes ugly truth-
But I’m willing to see this go as far as it will-
Until another place calls you home…
and I’m here now feeling like I’ve given too much of myself again-
parts that are more critical than a kidney- I have only one heart.
I spent the day reading one bad headline after another-having one distracted, disconnected conversation after another-
Watching my limp dog sleep the day away- in pain from the needles poking her yestereday that were somehow supposed to protect her from those illusive dog things.
Her solemn demeanor is a reflection of my running to and from this last week-
she is as tired as I should be-
from the volcanic eruption of emotion which has left me volatile and burning hot
I am hating this situation I’ve submerged myself into
It’s been 9 days of your name on my lips and the abrupt silence from you is so loud it’s all I can hear-
I spent 5 out of 7 days with you then nothing for 2 days
The silence is spent with you and him and your year and a half pre-existence before I sauntered into the room of your mind
I got too close-
I got too connected in those moments spent with you
I did exactly what I said I wouldn’t do.
Am I an ass for not knowing better?
No.
I am merely misunderstanding the scope in which you would enthrall me- entice me- wake me.
I’m wishing thoughts away
I’m erasing words just to get a better grip on this.
There is a derailment occurring here and everyone is a potential casualty of my love.
Girl number 1- sweet and somewhat available
Boy number 1- just the same- waiting for a sign from me and only getting something scattered and obscure
And you- Girl with no number who is the new one to me who’s got me tangled in a fury of need and desire
I cannot slip
I cannot do anything but wait-
A friend said I’ve got nothing to worry about- I’m the new woman on the side
The boyfriend is the one who has got to live with the new woman on the side of his lover
whose presumably been his and his only over the last year and a half.
I’m sitting pretty she thinks- and I have to remind myself of this
I just need the clarification I purposely wanted to avoid knowing about-
waiting in the back streets of this little heaven we’ve created makes me want to know more of what’s happening in your head so I can align myself with the right guards-
so I can keep myself in check.
But it doesn’t help that my little heart wants to fall in love-
With something beautiful
And the tragic potential here so suits me
But will I kill myself for your recognition
Will I step into the dubious waters that very well may leave me high and dry?
Time will tell
Because time always has a way of opening it’s big mouth and revealing the beautiful and sometimes ugly truth-
But I’m willing to see this go as far as it will-
Until another place calls you home…
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