some would call her a good mother- she seemed present- she did the things the world tells mothers to do- her heavy dreams kept her down- her desire to be loved kept her inside a family that broke her down more and more-
loyalty she learned to define backwards kept her loving an emotionally absent husband- dinners made with love, presented in love, made in anger and emptiness, she sent herself away to repent for the things she did wrong-
to herself
her dreams
her daughter.
an absent mother and two sick sisters-a brother who taught her son how to be a monster-
she went away and lost more of herself than she had to start with-a broken woman of 54 who's given up on finding herself in the mirror-or anything that reflects her lack of self-
i have a feeling this is going to be the most important woman I never knew...
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
beads of words, necklace of letters...
j, kiss, embrace, words, darkness, anticipation, fear, want, confusion, sadness, k, anger, denial, again and again, smoke, distraction, d can make me feel good right now, distance, last night, good, bad, hard, women, drinks, dancing, numbers exchanged, past coming up, sore spots exposed,best friends, friendship, loyalty, not falling in love, promises to myself, or just false sense of comfort, longing, movie, anguish, untruth, lies, sin of omission, pills, lost dreams, mrs.dollaway.. telling her i wanted to hold her hand- her saying we should hold hands more, me smiling inside, me thinking it's more of an issue for me than it is for other people, feeling better, thinking about what it would be like to kiss her, the fear of actually doing it, knowing she has limited contact, hard to get to, i'm hard to reach, mom calling me sobbing, telling me how lonely she is- my emotions freezing up, that was the last night i felt emotions running through me, it's been a week, how many chances will i get, what is my hang up with taking chances, important chances, how do i identify important chances, being hard on myself, feeling scattered, fingers cut and bleeding, drumming, drinking, smoking, staying up late, maybe that's it, what's got me down,snow- real snow for the first time in a while, a walk in the park, hating the way i feel, helpless to my desires, wanting yet not asking, why, why, why-looking for a sign to move forward, waiting for a resolution to push me through again, knowing it will come, the right thing will come...
I'm thinking...
I speak to her about the entry level conversations we have- not just her and I
but the world around us-
and how important it is to be reminded of what living is..
I know it is so much more simple than we make it-
then I make it..
Life is more than the little dances we dance when trying to get someone's attention
It's more than then clever lines and cute shirts
More than the winks and secret smiles...
but the world around us-
and how important it is to be reminded of what living is..
I know it is so much more simple than we make it-
then I make it..
Life is more than the little dances we dance when trying to get someone's attention
It's more than then clever lines and cute shirts
More than the winks and secret smiles...
Dear Mama...
turning to her
wishing there was more to say
but i'm listening to this story about air rage and how they were looking for "tangye"
and she was telling them, "i am tangye!!! i am who you are looking for!!!"
somewhere in between the dramatic words i fell into some abyss where i just saw her lips moving but nothing was coming out that i could hear
i thought of what i would see when she was no longer who is she is right now-
would i notice the way her fingernails grow?
would i notice the new lines that are stretching across her face
telling me a story of a woman in battle?
who's been searching for the enemy in every face she encounters-
including mine.
what would i say to her if i knew she would hear but couldn't respond?
what will her mouth look like when she is just a body?
will the undertaker make her look the way i've seen her or the way that he saw her through an old picture from an old album?
how do i tell her across the lines of sanity that she's starting to cross more everyday
that i love her?
how have i managed for twenty-eight years to grow further from her rather than closer to her?
yet piece by piece i've tried to put her back together-
make some sense of a story that had a jump start but ended up somewhere in the gray by the time i got to it-
thinking of what she has become since i've known her-
gray facets of a life
white lines of a woman so lost.
who comes looking for the mothers that daughters have lost?
who comes searching for the daughters who become those mothers?
how could such a large number of voices go unheard?
i sit thinking why i know this woman
how could this possibly be the same person who raised me?
she didn't fail me
it started when someone failed her
a long list of women who went unheard but not untouched-
how do we continue to do this?
she came to me one night after hours of drinking and in the darkness told me
she felt like she was losing her grasp-
who was she to anyone?
her kids have grown up and a son who is now a father doesn't need a mother as much as a wife
and a daughter who loves women is replacing her with every new name
and a younger son who she knows she was too tired for
calls her not to speak as much as to preach about the ways he was done wrong and everyone is to blame for his actions and inactions.
she said she used to be the one we came to for the information about the world
but now
what has become of the world?
well,
she thinks that should be left up to my generation because we will be living with the repercussions the longest-
she says she feels a little useless having to depend on us for the information in a world we are all living in-
she thinks family reunions are a time to drink herself into oblivion-
sadly the most honesty and truth i've gotten from her has been in the those in-between moments of dizzy clarity
and sadly that is what i hate the most-
that liquid on her breath
but it is the only way she can make us kids again-
that's the only time when she doesn't feel like her place is disposable-
a lesson that so many mother's learned from being wives who were replaced two and three times over.
a mystery she will forever be to me-
this woman
and books tell me i am searching for her in every woman i love-
that
i don't fully comprehend-
it's meaning eludes me-
but for having someone around for twenty eight years- i don't know shit about her
yet she silently haunts me day in and day out-
the very existence of her makes me question whether i could put any child through it for me-
all the questions
all the careless words
al the anger and confusion.
time is running out and her breath is getting more shallow, her mind more chaotic-
i see her slipping yet i don't take the first step to break her fall this time
i just hope that she looks the same to me when she is just a body
a woman with a dream that she couldn't set free-
she's not angry with me
for looking past her for so long
it wasn't intentional id' tell her-
if only i could.
it was because i was afraid to learn that was in fact she was only human
so much less than what she was in my childhood eyes.
Dear Mama
i'm sorry i was no better than the out of touch husband or careless mother or ignorant neighbor-
i tried
but no one told me how to be more of your daughter
don't forget there was a whole other life that was waiting to live inside me-
one that was abandoned before you found me.
in a sense mama, we are both just spirits in this material world...
1.8.03
wishing there was more to say
but i'm listening to this story about air rage and how they were looking for "tangye"
and she was telling them, "i am tangye!!! i am who you are looking for!!!"
somewhere in between the dramatic words i fell into some abyss where i just saw her lips moving but nothing was coming out that i could hear
i thought of what i would see when she was no longer who is she is right now-
would i notice the way her fingernails grow?
would i notice the new lines that are stretching across her face
telling me a story of a woman in battle?
who's been searching for the enemy in every face she encounters-
including mine.
what would i say to her if i knew she would hear but couldn't respond?
what will her mouth look like when she is just a body?
will the undertaker make her look the way i've seen her or the way that he saw her through an old picture from an old album?
how do i tell her across the lines of sanity that she's starting to cross more everyday
that i love her?
how have i managed for twenty-eight years to grow further from her rather than closer to her?
yet piece by piece i've tried to put her back together-
make some sense of a story that had a jump start but ended up somewhere in the gray by the time i got to it-
thinking of what she has become since i've known her-
gray facets of a life
white lines of a woman so lost.
who comes looking for the mothers that daughters have lost?
who comes searching for the daughters who become those mothers?
how could such a large number of voices go unheard?
i sit thinking why i know this woman
how could this possibly be the same person who raised me?
she didn't fail me
it started when someone failed her
a long list of women who went unheard but not untouched-
how do we continue to do this?
she came to me one night after hours of drinking and in the darkness told me
she felt like she was losing her grasp-
who was she to anyone?
her kids have grown up and a son who is now a father doesn't need a mother as much as a wife
and a daughter who loves women is replacing her with every new name
and a younger son who she knows she was too tired for
calls her not to speak as much as to preach about the ways he was done wrong and everyone is to blame for his actions and inactions.
she said she used to be the one we came to for the information about the world
but now
what has become of the world?
well,
she thinks that should be left up to my generation because we will be living with the repercussions the longest-
she says she feels a little useless having to depend on us for the information in a world we are all living in-
she thinks family reunions are a time to drink herself into oblivion-
sadly the most honesty and truth i've gotten from her has been in the those in-between moments of dizzy clarity
and sadly that is what i hate the most-
that liquid on her breath
but it is the only way she can make us kids again-
that's the only time when she doesn't feel like her place is disposable-
a lesson that so many mother's learned from being wives who were replaced two and three times over.
a mystery she will forever be to me-
this woman
and books tell me i am searching for her in every woman i love-
that
i don't fully comprehend-
it's meaning eludes me-
but for having someone around for twenty eight years- i don't know shit about her
yet she silently haunts me day in and day out-
the very existence of her makes me question whether i could put any child through it for me-
all the questions
all the careless words
al the anger and confusion.
time is running out and her breath is getting more shallow, her mind more chaotic-
i see her slipping yet i don't take the first step to break her fall this time
i just hope that she looks the same to me when she is just a body
a woman with a dream that she couldn't set free-
she's not angry with me
for looking past her for so long
it wasn't intentional id' tell her-
if only i could.
it was because i was afraid to learn that was in fact she was only human
so much less than what she was in my childhood eyes.
Dear Mama
i'm sorry i was no better than the out of touch husband or careless mother or ignorant neighbor-
i tried
but no one told me how to be more of your daughter
don't forget there was a whole other life that was waiting to live inside me-
one that was abandoned before you found me.
in a sense mama, we are both just spirits in this material world...
1.8.03
Sunday, February 15, 2009
words comprised of letters...
water is wetter
cold is warmer
emptiness is bigger
or is it smaller
than the sum of mistakes i've been holding onto
few know what i hold against myself
fewer could place the truest reason-
wondering what late night dreams i'll spin in her head
perhaps she'll dream of me complete and full
like i was the day i was born
in another life-
to another set of never ending circumstances-
sometimes the loving i pay to lay
closes around me and reminds me that temporary stutters have been bubbling around me for decades
and that bittersweet memory of completeness comes with work that i haven't been doing much of lately-
to sail them away is to first build the boat that carries them away
the only explanation i need is to know that my hands are far too soft to build at this time-
first i must find water..
and the beginning of falling a part..
but as i go i remember falling a part is not bad because it signifies that i view some part of myself as together in some way , shape or form...
cold is warmer
emptiness is bigger
or is it smaller
than the sum of mistakes i've been holding onto
few know what i hold against myself
fewer could place the truest reason-
wondering what late night dreams i'll spin in her head
perhaps she'll dream of me complete and full
like i was the day i was born
in another life-
to another set of never ending circumstances-
sometimes the loving i pay to lay
closes around me and reminds me that temporary stutters have been bubbling around me for decades
and that bittersweet memory of completeness comes with work that i haven't been doing much of lately-
to sail them away is to first build the boat that carries them away
the only explanation i need is to know that my hands are far too soft to build at this time-
first i must find water..
and the beginning of falling a part..
but as i go i remember falling a part is not bad because it signifies that i view some part of myself as together in some way , shape or form...
Vulnerable-juxtaposed- religions
there it was
there in front of me
my eyes wide like a child's
looking and seeing
something
that spoke to something deep inside me
something that only gets spoken to in the clearest of moments
something that only gets comprehended in the clearest of moments-
so here i am all cried out
searching for something to grab a hold of
someone once told me
i'd find my splintered parts coming together if i visited my birthplace-
someone else told me
home is where you are
that way you are never far from yourself-
i'm looking all around me
looking fro something that makes as much sense as that moment
a place of fire and drums
nothing around me makes the sense i want it to
it's all coded words that mean nothing that fill me with
nothing..
she said that creating creativity is being truly in the moment
being present at all the right times-
sitting here eating a cookie with orange sprinkles on it
seems like some sort of metaphor to the way i've been mostly, up till today-
my mother called me last night
with that loneliness in the back of her voice
i couldn't talk to her
but the sound in her voice haunted my company all night
i woke today thinking of what it is she is paying for in her minutes that are spent in silence-
something big
I figured
someone was really hurt and she's paying dearly for it now-
a spark of anger crossed my heart and i heard her telling me things that she had no
business saying..
as i stretched out
i waited for a solid reason why i can't speak up when i hear that loneliness creeping out of her words over the phone
answering myself
why i turn off when i sense the doom-
then i remembered who the emotional reparations were for-
someone named me..
I walk to the market and speak a little spanish to the people who represent the bigger picture of what i could be-
wondering why i always feel so small when i walk away from them
wondering if they feel the void i'm carrying around in my pocket-
she told me to keep trying in my own way
because there are more out there just like me-
i stop when i'm feeling broken and think about the fire and the drums
and i wonder if i didn't let myself go completely by crying the way I wanted to so badly-
prepping some sort of woman in my head to carry the weight of a thousand sorrows on her back all over again-
when it stops i'm gonna put all the bags down
cause my eyes can see the brighter day ahead
I just keep holding my heart out whenever i think i've found the right spaces to fill it with
but somehow the space is empty before long and i'm out looking again..
how much can i let go so i can live every moment in and of itself
how can i be conscious of myself more
deciding that while i was born with my eyes wide open
i've been slowly closing them every since-
along with the millions of restless souls around me called brothers and sisters-
repenting now for the careless ways i've been treating my spirit lately-
feeding it evilness- cigarettes and drinks that time after time drag me down-
Frozen in my expanse of mistakes i pick up every wrongdoing and try to realize how it's bad for me-
while i'm thinking clearer i'm feeling the wild hope i've got racing around my head.
i'm secretly looking for the complete me
for once i'm not looking for someone else- that will only confuse me more-
so much more could i be confused i know
i'm just trying to hold onto his hand as he raised mine to his head in thanks
i just wanted to hold him and feel the spirit he held-
the rhythm he felt in the drum
the unthreatening warmth he felt as he put his entire body in the flame-
why is that the unseen fires are the hardest to put out and are more visible then an actual flame...
10.21.02
there in front of me
my eyes wide like a child's
looking and seeing
something
that spoke to something deep inside me
something that only gets spoken to in the clearest of moments
something that only gets comprehended in the clearest of moments-
so here i am all cried out
searching for something to grab a hold of
someone once told me
i'd find my splintered parts coming together if i visited my birthplace-
someone else told me
home is where you are
that way you are never far from yourself-
i'm looking all around me
looking fro something that makes as much sense as that moment
a place of fire and drums
nothing around me makes the sense i want it to
it's all coded words that mean nothing that fill me with
nothing..
she said that creating creativity is being truly in the moment
being present at all the right times-
sitting here eating a cookie with orange sprinkles on it
seems like some sort of metaphor to the way i've been mostly, up till today-
my mother called me last night
with that loneliness in the back of her voice
i couldn't talk to her
but the sound in her voice haunted my company all night
i woke today thinking of what it is she is paying for in her minutes that are spent in silence-
something big
I figured
someone was really hurt and she's paying dearly for it now-
a spark of anger crossed my heart and i heard her telling me things that she had no
business saying..
as i stretched out
i waited for a solid reason why i can't speak up when i hear that loneliness creeping out of her words over the phone
answering myself
why i turn off when i sense the doom-
then i remembered who the emotional reparations were for-
someone named me..
I walk to the market and speak a little spanish to the people who represent the bigger picture of what i could be-
wondering why i always feel so small when i walk away from them
wondering if they feel the void i'm carrying around in my pocket-
she told me to keep trying in my own way
because there are more out there just like me-
i stop when i'm feeling broken and think about the fire and the drums
and i wonder if i didn't let myself go completely by crying the way I wanted to so badly-
prepping some sort of woman in my head to carry the weight of a thousand sorrows on her back all over again-
when it stops i'm gonna put all the bags down
cause my eyes can see the brighter day ahead
I just keep holding my heart out whenever i think i've found the right spaces to fill it with
but somehow the space is empty before long and i'm out looking again..
how much can i let go so i can live every moment in and of itself
how can i be conscious of myself more
deciding that while i was born with my eyes wide open
i've been slowly closing them every since-
along with the millions of restless souls around me called brothers and sisters-
repenting now for the careless ways i've been treating my spirit lately-
feeding it evilness- cigarettes and drinks that time after time drag me down-
Frozen in my expanse of mistakes i pick up every wrongdoing and try to realize how it's bad for me-
while i'm thinking clearer i'm feeling the wild hope i've got racing around my head.
i'm secretly looking for the complete me
for once i'm not looking for someone else- that will only confuse me more-
so much more could i be confused i know
i'm just trying to hold onto his hand as he raised mine to his head in thanks
i just wanted to hold him and feel the spirit he held-
the rhythm he felt in the drum
the unthreatening warmth he felt as he put his entire body in the flame-
why is that the unseen fires are the hardest to put out and are more visible then an actual flame...
10.21.02
For her...
looking,
but mostly feeling where i am right now
I've crossed a million landscapes in my mind and i'm on my way home-
wanting to rest,
fall into the deepest of sleep and
dream of better things-
Questioning all the angels that have shown me what it is to be real
asking them if i have all that i need to do this-
breaking through ground that i've been over a million times before
only comprehending the miles i've put on my shoes-
looking down at them now i realize that they are not as worn as my heart
that i have been carrying around all this time-
What will i find in this down time?
When will i get past the point of wanting a distraction so badly?
When will i feel the sun that i saw setting in the west- far too soon?
When will the road have more landscape than concrete and dirt?
When will i get the courage to dig deeper in that dirt and find my way back?
Find my way through the fasting i'm doing of love
I never intended to be alone at this point
I guess i never really thought about what it means-
pointing fingers has only gotten me so far
now i'm pointing at myself and no one's arguing
the silence is numbing-
All this time the river of my life has flowed endlessly
with sand dunes to bank upon for years at a time
the same to cover me from the cold winter blowing-
now i'm on an island wondering what i've done all this time
looking for a boat to dock and pick me up
but
nothing's in sight as far as i can see-
Fear comes then subsides-
and the sun rises and then the gods fall asleep
never giving me a clue or even a direction-
one by one i sift through all the possibilities-
what has been
and
what can be
in me
I've stolen a thousand kisses from beautiful women that cover the earth over
only to return to the field that i was born to-
no closer to finding my way through
somewhere through all this time i thought of all the lies and barbed wire fences i've put around my heart-
there have been years that even i couldn't get through to the secrets that i hold so tightly
I've worked to break them open with rocks that have turned to sand-
finding the small of my emotion
carved so delicately in my beating heart
Looking to the stars that give themselves a place night after night
picking one for me and all the people i've ever been
waiting for the one that is me in present
is it the brightest one of them all or is the one that shoots before my eyes only to be lost in the darkness?
I know my place is not so complex to the master of disguise who offers me masks time and time again-
she tells me she'll dance with me no matter who i claim to be when i'm alone-
what is most unsettling i ask myself as i climb
is it the words i've heard
or is the words i've stopped myself from saying?
when it's only me who hears the freedom i hold when i'm riding in the wind-
when i'm laughing out loud at no one but me
when i'm crying for the child who was lost and then never found
I claim a truth
that is mine
and mine alone
something the anguish of dueling mothers and fathers can never claim
something my angels have told me only i possess-
a place where no one has been lost or found-
in my head i look for distraction
something to interrupt the absence
that only someone i don't remember can fill-
so when i cry in the dark at emotions that someone else reminds me of
don't think i'm here in the moment with you-
and when i fall away to the silence and murmuring that my ears have created for me
don't think i'm there in the moment with you-
I'm far off in my head trying to make sense of this sadness that plagues me-
distraction is what makes me human to you
but if i ever lose my faith
if i ever lose my faith in me
then my light will go out
and i won't ever come back to the moment we were sharing-
in the midst of confusion
i know that there will be a time when i'm not stuck at a fortress of solitude
i will come out and play with you
i will come out and laugh at all the faces i've seen myself behind-
If i know one thing before you
it is this-
it is my knowledge of
how fragile we are-
my grace
my angel
I know these things to be true
and i know that someday i will not beg for distraction
and i will not beg myself for air time alone-
One day at a time
my spirit moves away the stones that hinder my view of all the beauty i possess
and for all my days remaining i pay tribute to the mother who colored me from clear to brown
and to the father i never thought existed in the making of me
he will rise and give back my sky of gray to blue-
and to the one who raised me they will feel the love that i tried to save for the invisible ghosts who left me and told me to by myself no matter what the world says-
i have everything that i need to fill the sand dunes of time-
to shade me from the cold winds
to carry me across the waters to the ship at port-
to claim my star
and to cut the barbed wire fortress
and fill empty arms that once held me-
and fix my need for distraction-
I have it all and i have it all in me...
10.14.02
but mostly feeling where i am right now
I've crossed a million landscapes in my mind and i'm on my way home-
wanting to rest,
fall into the deepest of sleep and
dream of better things-
Questioning all the angels that have shown me what it is to be real
asking them if i have all that i need to do this-
breaking through ground that i've been over a million times before
only comprehending the miles i've put on my shoes-
looking down at them now i realize that they are not as worn as my heart
that i have been carrying around all this time-
What will i find in this down time?
When will i get past the point of wanting a distraction so badly?
When will i feel the sun that i saw setting in the west- far too soon?
When will the road have more landscape than concrete and dirt?
When will i get the courage to dig deeper in that dirt and find my way back?
Find my way through the fasting i'm doing of love
I never intended to be alone at this point
I guess i never really thought about what it means-
pointing fingers has only gotten me so far
now i'm pointing at myself and no one's arguing
the silence is numbing-
All this time the river of my life has flowed endlessly
with sand dunes to bank upon for years at a time
the same to cover me from the cold winter blowing-
now i'm on an island wondering what i've done all this time
looking for a boat to dock and pick me up
but
nothing's in sight as far as i can see-
Fear comes then subsides-
and the sun rises and then the gods fall asleep
never giving me a clue or even a direction-
one by one i sift through all the possibilities-
what has been
and
what can be
in me
I've stolen a thousand kisses from beautiful women that cover the earth over
only to return to the field that i was born to-
no closer to finding my way through
somewhere through all this time i thought of all the lies and barbed wire fences i've put around my heart-
there have been years that even i couldn't get through to the secrets that i hold so tightly
I've worked to break them open with rocks that have turned to sand-
finding the small of my emotion
carved so delicately in my beating heart
Looking to the stars that give themselves a place night after night
picking one for me and all the people i've ever been
waiting for the one that is me in present
is it the brightest one of them all or is the one that shoots before my eyes only to be lost in the darkness?
I know my place is not so complex to the master of disguise who offers me masks time and time again-
she tells me she'll dance with me no matter who i claim to be when i'm alone-
what is most unsettling i ask myself as i climb
is it the words i've heard
or is the words i've stopped myself from saying?
when it's only me who hears the freedom i hold when i'm riding in the wind-
when i'm laughing out loud at no one but me
when i'm crying for the child who was lost and then never found
I claim a truth
that is mine
and mine alone
something the anguish of dueling mothers and fathers can never claim
something my angels have told me only i possess-
a place where no one has been lost or found-
in my head i look for distraction
something to interrupt the absence
that only someone i don't remember can fill-
so when i cry in the dark at emotions that someone else reminds me of
don't think i'm here in the moment with you-
and when i fall away to the silence and murmuring that my ears have created for me
don't think i'm there in the moment with you-
I'm far off in my head trying to make sense of this sadness that plagues me-
distraction is what makes me human to you
but if i ever lose my faith
if i ever lose my faith in me
then my light will go out
and i won't ever come back to the moment we were sharing-
in the midst of confusion
i know that there will be a time when i'm not stuck at a fortress of solitude
i will come out and play with you
i will come out and laugh at all the faces i've seen myself behind-
If i know one thing before you
it is this-
it is my knowledge of
how fragile we are-
my grace
my angel
I know these things to be true
and i know that someday i will not beg for distraction
and i will not beg myself for air time alone-
One day at a time
my spirit moves away the stones that hinder my view of all the beauty i possess
and for all my days remaining i pay tribute to the mother who colored me from clear to brown
and to the father i never thought existed in the making of me
he will rise and give back my sky of gray to blue-
and to the one who raised me they will feel the love that i tried to save for the invisible ghosts who left me and told me to by myself no matter what the world says-
i have everything that i need to fill the sand dunes of time-
to shade me from the cold winds
to carry me across the waters to the ship at port-
to claim my star
and to cut the barbed wire fortress
and fill empty arms that once held me-
and fix my need for distraction-
I have it all and i have it all in me...
10.14.02
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